Workout vids- any faves?

Who does workout videos out there? I’d like to add some in, for a little something different and extra I can do in my day.

Keep in mind, I am super fat (for now!!!) and out of shape. So- P90x is not for me quite yet. Are there milder workout DVDs or blu-rays out there?

I used to have these walking videos by Denise something, I think. I liked them. You walked from 1-3 miles, depending on the video and there were also upper and lower body workouts and abs. Something like that would be good I think. Just to add in something different and keep it interesting.

Any thoughts?! What do you use?

So… It wasn’t awful…

First personal training session this am- and not only was it not awful, I think it might actually have been awesome!

I was beyond terrified driving to the gym. So uncomfortable going back there. But, I hopped on the treadmill and warmed up for about 10-15 min before my session and met my new trainer, Jill.

I’ve seen Jill before and was actually always worried about ever having her as a trainer. All trainers are of course in shape and usually little, but she is beyond teeny tiny! Somehow to me that meant she must hate fat people or something. Such an unfair assumption!

She is actually sweet as could be! She was super supportive of where I am now and finding what works for me and can be a permanent lifestyle change. She’s like the perfect trainer for me! Nothing drastic, no lecturing, just encouragement and support! I loved it!

Plus, the usual morning ladies were in the locker room when I was done and they actually remembered me and even said hello! These ladies used to terrify me, and today we ha a nice little conversation. We had started talking finally when I was going before, but one especially was such a “mean girl”… She didn’t really speak to me this morning, but I don’t even care!

If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m also all hyped up on endorphins, instead of my normal over-consumption of caffeine. Granted, I still took a caffeine pill, but more to be safe than it really being needed. Hopefully soon I’ll slowly be weening off all of the caffeine I take every day.

So I’m super pumped up for my day! I forgot how awesome it was to start out your day on the right foot. For me, exercising first thing in the am is so the way to go! My next session is Friday and next Monday is already scheduled as well! And guess what- I cannot wait!!!!


Excited for Monday?!


I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but I’m actually kinda excited for Monday… First day of personal training again!

I love this picture. It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

I love that I’m doing this the “right” way- and I don’t claim it to be the right way for everyone, but it is the right way for me. No more starving and binging, no more super restrictive diets, no more hating myself, and no more excuses!

Despite my munchiness today, I’m still going to meet my calorie goal for the day. Which I’m super proud of. I thought I blew the day, and again, a lot of times I would use that as an excuse to binge. I did think about it, but I will not do it.

This won’t happen overnight. 100 lbs in a year is totally doable, but it’s going to be small steps for slow progress. At my size, losing 10 or even 20 lbs and no one can tell. But I’m not giving up. 20140628-190848-68928925.jpg

So here’s to being patient- my favorite thing! But it will be well worth it in the end. I’m going to get there one good decision at a time. And I’m going to mess up at times. I’m not perfect. But I’m also not giving up. I’m determined to do this and do it right.

Weekend weakness

Yet another weekend without adequate willpower. Technically I’m ok on calories for the day so far, but I’ve eaten crap. How do you get through the weekends?

For me, weekends are the hardest. More time on my hands, generally more opportunities to eat- including more temptations that aren’t there during the work week.

So how do you get through it?

I was 200 calories over yesterday for no good reason, other than my lack of willpower. I’m probably going to be over tomorrow because family dinner (and dessert) are not my normal sensible meals: lasagna, salad, 3 types of bread- garlic bread, garlic knots, and garlic cheese bread. Oh, and don’t forget the cheesecake for dessert. What was I thinking?!

Do you use diet pills, and do they help you? Sometimes I take them, but not regularly like I probably should. I don’t want to get too in the habit of taking them, but I also want to get through this transition period when it’s not habit yet to eat smaller portions and make smart decisions. I’m still struggling with that.

I just took a diet pill, which I never remember to do on weekends, and I’m hoping it helps. I’m also going to try and pre-log dinner tomorrow, both so I know how many cals I have to use the rest of the day (thinking protein shakes for bfast and lunch) and also so I know how much I can eat and maintain control over what I put in my mouth.

I hate the weekends and I wish I knew better strategies to deal with my wavering willpower. Weekends are the worst!!!!! Love to hear how you cope!

Week-2 weigh-day : maintain

Not much to post, but doing it our of accountability. No loss and no gain. Since I did lose a whopping 9lbs last week, trying to see the fact that I maintained that large of a loss in one week as a positive.

Other than that I’m just cleaning, which I mind less than usual because I’m thinking of the calories I’m burning.

I’ve been hitting my step goal each day, which is good. I know I should be getting 10k steps in/day, but just starting back out I’ve set my goal at 5000. Within the next couple weeks I want to increase that to 7500.

I did call the gym, and re-activate my membership. And my personal training sessions (the approximately 36 I have left!) start on Monday at 7am.

So all in all things are going well. I know the mistakes I made last week: I overrate 2-3 days, I wasn’t getting my walks in, and that hurt me a bit.

I’m watching my clarifies like a hawk right now and I’m determined to keep seeing lower numbers on the scale! Now I just have to try and resist the urge to weigh again for a whole week!

What I want: You got hot




Is it wrong to consider your potential hotness as part of your motivation? I have been looking up motivational fitness quotes since last night. I saved a bunch to my phone for later use. One I ignored more than once was the “Do it for the ‘Holy Shit, You Got Hot'”. 

But I finally had to go and snag it. What’s so wrong about wanting to be hot? I know it’s allegedly superficial, but who doesn’t honestly want to be hot? It’s not even for everyone else, it’s for me. 

I want to feel sexy in my body, which is something I’ve never experienced. When I was half the size I am now, I thought I was huge. I never enjoyed what I had, albeit briefly. But, I’ve never felt “good” about myself. I’ve always hated my body. 

A few years ago was the first time I went to see a bariatric surgeon about weight-loss surgery. I’ve mentioned I’m doing this the old-fashioned way, through diet and exercise alone, but I did actually not only consider surgery, I had LapBand Surgery a few years ago. I had tons of issues, and while I did lose some weight, not what I should have. I had it removed this January. I was then considering the sleeve, but I’ve decided I don’t need that. I am capable of doing this on my own. Not to say anything bad about someone who chooses surgery, but it’s not the right path for me personally. 

Anyway, at the surgeon’s they had a scale that measured water, fat, lean muscle, etc. I found out my core body weight is around 130 lbs. So, a realistic weight goal for me was 150 lbs. Since then, I’ve tried keeping this in mind. I’ve basically accepted I’ll never be 103lbs (my ideal weight) or even the more practical 130 lbs (my high-school weight). I accepted I would always be fat, and therefore- in my opinion only of myself- ugly. I could never dare wear a bikini, for instance. I could never be anything other than the “fat friend”. 

But SCREW THAT. I do want to be fit, and I want to be healthy. And I really want to be, and more importantly FEEL like a beautiful bride. BUT, I also want to be HOT. There. I said it. 

I want to wear cute little clothes again and show off my body. Not because I’m looking for anything, but because it makes me feel good. I want to wear fun, sexy clothes- nothing vulgar, just cute and flirty. Most of all, I want to, for the first time in my life, wear a freaking bikini. I want to the “that” girl. 

I’ve not even allowed myself to dream about having such a body, but I think it’s time I start. My body will never be perfect, and I’m not striving for perfection. But I am striving to be the best me I can be. Why can’t that be someone who happens to be hot? 

So- while I’m sticking to my original plan, losing 100lbs by my wedding day next June, that will definitely not be the end of my journey. 

I’m going to keep going- not just to lose weight, but to become fit and toned and to create a body I never thought possible. I did start my membership back up at the gym, and they’re letting me use the approximately 36 personal training sessions I had leftover. Going twice/wk for PT, that equals about 4.5 months of training! Which is just about the time I have until trying on wedding gowns in November. Coincidence? I think not… 

So this journey will take some time, but in 2 yrs, I’ll only be 33. There are women in their 40s and yes, even 50s who wear bikinis and cute little clothes. So, at 33, I’ll just be entering the beginning of my prime I think. I’m much smarter than I was in my 20’s, and I don’t loathe myself nearly as much as I used to. My 20’s were really hard for me. So many things went on and I struggled with so much, hence the rapid and excessive weight gain. But now I’m over that. This is a new decade, and I intend on making it the best one yet! 

Too much… Too little… How do you find the “just right” when it comes to calories?

I’m currently eating up to 1530 cals/day (except for the days I ate over this past week… Not happening again).

I arrived at this figure between mfp, and with the help of a friend who used a formula based on weight, height, etc etc.

But I was just researching how much fat one should consume daily (I am eating way too much!) and it suggested my calories be between 1100-1400. I was doing 800-1000 cals previously and even 1200 and not sticking with it.

Now I actually feel satisfied and can stick to my calorie goal. And it appears to be working so far. So do I leave it where it is for the next 10-15 lbs, or should I already be tweaking it?

Part of why this is so hard is because there are so many schools of thought and you get tons of different answers depending on where you happen to look. Lord knows I have no idea what I’m doing on my own. So I need all the help I can get.

So confused.

Do I dare go back to the gym?

So I haven’t been to the gym in MONTHS and MONTHS. And I keep intending to stop by and cancel my membership. Then I read a bunch of fitness motivational quotes on Pinterest. Damn Pinterest. Now I’m all pumped up and wanting to go back and work my ass off.

Technically I still have a bunch of personal training sessions left. I lost 40-60 lbs last year while going to the gym. Then I regained the weight, felt wholly uncomfortable and too fat to live, let alone go to a gym, and I haven’t been back since.

I even bought a treadmill so I could walk at home, in private, without stares and glares. I literally haven’t been able to work up the nerve to go back there for multiple months now.

Awhile back they called me bc I still have PT sessions left. I told them I was planning to cancel my membership. In the midst of writing this I ran downstairs (fiancé is sleeping in bed next to me) and summoned all my courage and called the gym. I asked if I could still use my training session sans he said he didn’t see why not. He wasn’t totally convincing and didn’t offer to schedule an appt for me, so I’m calling back tomorrow.

BUT just the idea that I am thinking of going back there- it’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

People are so judgmental when you’re fat. Just in general, but then at the gym? I feel like I get stared at and scrutinized even more than usual. Like, wth am I doing there? I’m disgusting I don’t belong with these fit people (even though yes, I realize that’s exactly where I should be and need to be). But did I mention it’s terrifying?!?!

Soooo….. Hopefully tomorrow I can still work up my nerve again and call back to see about scheduling some training sessions.

I’m dedicated to doing this and getting fit and making lasting lifestyle changes. I think this is a step in the right direction, but again, I’m utterly terrified. I’m beyond self-conscious, I can’t even express how mortifying the gym became to me. And right now I’m so much fatter, I don’t even fit in my “fat” exercise clothes! What am I thinking? Am I really considering this? Am I doing this?!

Stress eating

Who else gets the urge to eat when they’re stressed?!

I found out my petition to change some withdrawal grades was denied this morning, so I may not be able to pursue my MBA again. Which is somewhat devastating.

Shortly after that I realized I was wanting junk food, which is my typical reaction. I eat away my feelings.

Instead I’ve been texting a friend and keeping my eye on the prize: I need to fit in a wedding dress in less than a year. And I refuse to be this size when I get married. I only have until November to lose as much weight as possible before I’ll need to buy a new gown. I started off well, but I have to keep going down.

So- feeling beautiful on my wedding day is much more important than stuffing my face with junk-food today.

This is not easy, but I will not fail. Therefore I will not binge. I just have to keep thinking about that dress.

What do you do when you’re stressed? How do you avoid stress-eating? Any tips?

To eat or not to eat….

What do you do when you’ve got extra calories left- do you eat them or not? I currently have +300 cals left and I didn’t eat lunch bc I wasn’t feeling the best. Now I’ve eaten a “sensible” dinner, and I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily hungry, but those extra cals are calling my name.

For awhile I was eating really low (800-1000 cals/day). I was on a super high protein/low carb diet. Just meat, basically. No veggies, nothing. I was seeing a bariatric doctor and considering gastric sleeve surgery.

I did lose 20lbs in one month, but inevitably I succumbed to carbs. I know they’re not my friend, but I love them so. And all meat all the time gets really old really quickly. I happen to love veggies.

Now I’m trying to be all realistic though, so I don’t fall off the wagon again. I’m attempting to follow a plan I can legitimately follow for the rest of my life. No drastic measures, no severe calorie restrictions, no meat-only silliness.

So, part of that is learning to eat the right amount of food. Something I’ve never learned how to do. My food and eating issues first began around 11 or 12 years old. I’ve always either over-eaten or under-eaten. I don’t know what normal portions are.

So I have a friend helping me. She helped me figure out how many calories I should be consuming based on my current weight and goals. A reasonable number. Which I am following. She’s helping me learn how to eat- not to starve all day and consume all my cals at night.

So this is all new to me. And right now I’m trying to decide if it’s ok to eat the rest of my calories or if it’s better to leave them on the table, so to speak.

I ate an adequate dinner. I actually am probably still eating too much. I had like 3-4 servings of veggies (I know- too much, right?) plus one serving of chicken. I should be satisfied. Why do I still want to eat, just because I have cals available?

I almost still feel like I’m depriving myself somehow, when I’m totally not. I had double serving of my breakfast, skipped lunch because I wasn’t feeling well, and ate a solid dinner. And I had a snack when I first got home.

I want to eat enough and not be crazy restrictive anymore, but being 300 or so calories under for the day isn’t being restrictive. I don’t need to eat all my calories every day, right? Why is it so hard to walk away?