The day isn’t over yet but I couldn’t wait to share my first big success. Technically it won’t be a success until this evening, but I’ve already made up my mind and committed to myself. I think that’s the hard part. Now I just have to stick to the plan, which I will.
Tonight my fiancé and I are driving an hour north to meet some old friends of his visiting from up north for dinner. I started craving all this awful food. I even looked up the cals- it was about 1000 calories over my DAILY goal for the item I wanted! Still I wanted it.
Luckily I have a great support system and started texting wildly. I talked through it with fiends until I had resolved to instead order a more sensible and healthy meal that would fit into my calorie goals.
I would only have hated myself for eating the fattening food. It was completely unhealthy. As one friend pointed out, I may also have started a binge, which I do. It’s not one bad meal or one cheat, it becomes an all out binge-a-thon of any and every bad food that enters my mind. That can go on for days or even weeks.
But now instead of hating myself and being upset, I feel extremely proud of my decision. I have a plan so I won’t give in to temptation or a whim. I’m not going to be caught off guard and staring at all the menu choices. I’ve got this.
I realized I literally cannot allow myself one more cheat. It doesn’t matter if I can come up with some rationalization for my behavior. Continuing poor behavior will only serve to continue to make me feel bad about myself and make my weight continue to climb.
I will not be 1 lb heavier than I was when I last weighed myself ever again. I’m already just 10 lbs shy of my all-time highest weight ever. Never again.
I’m learning to have a new relationship with food. I’m learning to think like a fit person and make healthy choices, which will lead me to one day becoming that fit person. Food is not a reward or a comfort, either. It’s nourishment and I need to nourish my body. That’s it. No more emotional eating. And making good choices will allow me to not feel so guilty.
Sometimes I feel guilty even when eating “healthy” food. I feel like I’m too fat to be allowed to eat sometimes. I feel like if I’m in public everyone is staring at me in disgust, whether I’m eating healthy or not. I have to get over that. Food shouldn’t make you feel guilty. I’m not going to let it any longer.
Today I will once again meet my calorie goal, and I started off my morning right by getting my walk on before work. I am not throwing away my hard work and progress for a few moments of consuming garbage.
This is my first real mini-victory but it’s going to pave the way for many more. Over time these small victories will accumulate to big successes- on and off the scale!