What I want: You got hot

 

 

Is it wrong to consider your potential hotness as part of your motivation? I have been looking up motivational fitness quotes since last night. I saved a bunch to my phone for later use. One I ignored more than once was the “Do it for the ‘Holy Shit, You Got Hot'”. 

But I finally had to go and snag it. What’s so wrong about wanting to be hot? I know it’s allegedly superficial, but who doesn’t honestly want to be hot? It’s not even for everyone else, it’s for me. 

I want to feel sexy in my body, which is something I’ve never experienced. When I was half the size I am now, I thought I was huge. I never enjoyed what I had, albeit briefly. But, I’ve never felt “good” about myself. I’ve always hated my body. 

A few years ago was the first time I went to see a bariatric surgeon about weight-loss surgery. I’ve mentioned I’m doing this the old-fashioned way, through diet and exercise alone, but I did actually not only consider surgery, I had LapBand Surgery a few years ago. I had tons of issues, and while I did lose some weight, not what I should have. I had it removed this January. I was then considering the sleeve, but I’ve decided I don’t need that. I am capable of doing this on my own. Not to say anything bad about someone who chooses surgery, but it’s not the right path for me personally. 

Anyway, at the surgeon’s they had a scale that measured water, fat, lean muscle, etc. I found out my core body weight is around 130 lbs. So, a realistic weight goal for me was 150 lbs. Since then, I’ve tried keeping this in mind. I’ve basically accepted I’ll never be 103lbs (my ideal weight) or even the more practical 130 lbs (my high-school weight). I accepted I would always be fat, and therefore- in my opinion only of myself- ugly. I could never dare wear a bikini, for instance. I could never be anything other than the “fat friend”. 

But SCREW THAT. I do want to be fit, and I want to be healthy. And I really want to be, and more importantly FEEL like a beautiful bride. BUT, I also want to be HOT. There. I said it. 

I want to wear cute little clothes again and show off my body. Not because I’m looking for anything, but because it makes me feel good. I want to wear fun, sexy clothes- nothing vulgar, just cute and flirty. Most of all, I want to, for the first time in my life, wear a freaking bikini. I want to the “that” girl. 

I’ve not even allowed myself to dream about having such a body, but I think it’s time I start. My body will never be perfect, and I’m not striving for perfection. But I am striving to be the best me I can be. Why can’t that be someone who happens to be hot? 

So- while I’m sticking to my original plan, losing 100lbs by my wedding day next June, that will definitely not be the end of my journey. 

I’m going to keep going- not just to lose weight, but to become fit and toned and to create a body I never thought possible. I did start my membership back up at the gym, and they’re letting me use the approximately 36 personal training sessions I had leftover. Going twice/wk for PT, that equals about 4.5 months of training! Which is just about the time I have until trying on wedding gowns in November. Coincidence? I think not… 

So this journey will take some time, but in 2 yrs, I’ll only be 33. There are women in their 40s and yes, even 50s who wear bikinis and cute little clothes. So, at 33, I’ll just be entering the beginning of my prime I think. I’m much smarter than I was in my 20’s, and I don’t loathe myself nearly as much as I used to. My 20’s were really hard for me. So many things went on and I struggled with so much, hence the rapid and excessive weight gain. But now I’m over that. This is a new decade, and I intend on making it the best one yet!