No waiting for weigh-day!

Why can’t I be patient and wait until Friday to weigh?! I weighed early, as usual, and I am down 4 of the 7 lbs I had re-gained last week. Cause for celebration!

I think it’s pure luck, as I didn’t track or control my diet this past week, nor did I really walk. So- extra thankful I’m headed back in the right direction.

I did walk a smidge last night, and I got up this morning early and walked a mile before work. Hoping to walk another mile after work tonight. I need to start getting my daily steps up.

I’m also officially on-track again, as of today. Yesterday, as I mentioned, I was over calories. But at least I was logging again. But today I am determined to hit my cals!

I am done with detours, as I said yesterday and I am keeping my eye on the prize. My wedding is in less than 11 months and my engagement shoot is tentatively still scheduled for the end of September! (Issues with the location still to be worked out…)

So I have a LOT of work to do, and not a lot of time to do it in. I can’t afford any more slip ups. Happy to be back on track and re-focused!

Detour OVER!

After another minor detour. I am definitely getting back on track!

Was over approximately 150 cals over goal today, but considering how I’ve been doing and the fact that I’m logging again, I’m reasonably happy with that.

Tomorrow I shall hit my calorie goal! And then the next day and the next… And the next! Today I forgot my lunch, so I improvised, but it caused an overage.

I’ve really been struggling recently with old demons. And I’ve been losing the battle. But I’m determined not to quit and to do this and so it in a healthy manner. This is a new lifestyle for me and it isn’t going to be perfect overnight.

But I am making lasting changes that will benefit me long term.

Falling doesn’t make you a failure, not getting back up does! I’m dusting myself off and will be fighting this battle to the death!

20140730-170525-61525282.jpg

Back on track

Actually Day 2 post-binge-a-thon. Yesterday I only are around 1000 calories but at least I wasn’t over-eating anymore. Today I am trying hard to hit my goal of 1400-1500/day.

It’s really important for me to learn to start consistently eating at a healthy level. I’m also really working hard to eat 3 meals every day. No skipping or just protein shakes anymore. Real food.

I’m still working to balance my meals out better, calorie-wise. But it’s a work in progress and I’m doing better and consciously thinking about it at least.

I vowed to my nutritionist the other day I would begin eating one fruit per day. I haven’t regularly eaten fruit in *years* because of sugars and carbs. For awhile I didn’t eat veg because of carbs either, but I love them so much I had started to again.

But she explained how the body breaks it down differently and today I ate a half an apple with some peanut butter as a snack. I am also supposed I eat veg twice a day, increasing it from once a day some days to twice a day all days. Am not going to hit that goal today, but now that I’ve thought about it I will try to at least work veg I to my dinner.

I’m happy to be back on track and trying to let go of my slip up, while still keeping it in mind. I don’t want to I backwards and I need to stay motivated. I have a very long road ahead of me.

I also noticed when I was blogging regularly I was doing better. So- expect more posts from me!

The scale said what?!?!

Week 5 Weigh Day went worse than anticipated. I knew I was off track ALL week (since Saturday) but I was not prepared for what I read this morning.

I did weigh in clothes, but that only accounts for 1-2lbs. The scale said- brace yourself- that I was UP 7 lbs. SEVEN. In ONE week. 😳😫

*deep breath* I am trying very hard not to freak out and try anything extreme again. I was too restrictive a couple weeks ago and that didn’t work well for me. What works is eating 1400-1500 calories a day every day and walking. How hard is that?

*more deep breaths*

My plan of attack for next week:
-Eat 3 meals/day Every day
-Eat between 1400-1500 calories
-Walk at least 1 mile at least 3 days
-Eat veg 2/day and fruit 1/day

I’m very carb conscious because of past diets and Dr’s so eating fruits and veg may seem easy to you, but it’s not for me. Not that I don’t like them, because I definitely do, it just stressed me out and I’ve been fully avoiding fruit and minimizing vegetables.

I had a phone consultation with a dietician through my insurance lifestyle coaching program yesterday. She explained how these sugars and carbs actually react differently in our body, and my trainer said as much this morning as well. So I’m going to work really hard to let go of thinking I need to eat super low cals (800-1000) or eliminate all carbs. Contrary to my belief, apparently all carbs are not the devil. I’m still working to buy into that.

So I have a plan and I’m officially waging war on my fat cells.

I am still determined to lose the weight by my wedding. I still have time. I *cannot* afford another week like this past week, but at least I still have plenty of time to get back on track.

Today means I’m officially off schedule for the first time in 5 weeks. I am determined to get the numbers back on track to meet my goal. It’s totally doable I just have to be strong and work hard.

20140725-104943-38983182.jpg

Struggling

I have really been struggling since Saturday night with my eating. I ordered pizza after battling crazy cravings all day long, and of course that provided me leftovers the next day. Then Sunday I succumbed to my McDonald’s craving, due in part to poor planning.

Today I started off right by going to the gym and seeing my trainer, but then lunch happened. I even brought my lunch today and was completely prepared, so as to avoid exactly what still happened. I got ticked off at the Post Office and so I decided in the spur of the moment that I deserved a Starbucks. I was also extremely exhausted ALL day.

It seemed like such a good idea, until I got the triple Venti mocha cookie crumble (I know- I didn’t even get anything with halfway reasonable calories) AND then I ordered a cheese danish. They are the best cheese danishes I’ve ever had in my life, and I had no reason to get one whatsoever, except that it was there, and I wanted it.

Then I went back to work, with my giant, highly caloric drink and danish and I quickly consumed them, which was immediately followed by waves of guilt. I started texting a million people, but I kept erasing it. I wanted to purge hardcore. I haven’t done that in awhile, since last year (and not frequently for many years) but I wanted to SOOO bad.

I fought it, and didn’t, but these compulsions have been really hitting me hard lately. I’m not sure why.

Two people have followed up and called me from OA. I don’t know if they text, though. Actually, 3 people, but one said it was her house phone and she’s also new.

But I almost tried texting one, completely freaking out, but I stopped. And it’s just too uncomfortable for me to actually call one of them. I know you’re supposed to get a sponsor, if you decide to do this, but I hate talking on the phone. I detest it. Except with my mother, fiance, and father. Otherwise, don’t call me.

I’m very disappointed in myself and I know I’m totally screwing up all the progress that I’ve made, and I don’t think I’m going to completely spiral out of control, but I’ve got to get a handle on this nonetheless.

I hate when I screw up, and I hate the way I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.

I was going strong 5 weeks, and then, BLAH. I knew and planned for there to be bumps along the way, but knowing that is realistically going to happen doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when it happens.

Also, in OA they talk about only eating 3 meals a day, no snacks, and abstinence from your “trigger” foods. I think I would die if I didn’t allow myself to snack in between meals. I’m so not ready to do only 3 meals a day. And all these nutritionists and trainers tell you to eat like 6 small meals a day, anyway. Which I was eating maybe 4-5 times a day when I was doing well.

I just am feeling a little overwhelmed and I suppose unhappy.

OH- I sold my big fat wedding dress over the weekend, so I officially have nothing to fall back on. I have absolutely GOT to lose this weight. I am so tired of how I look and feel and I was never happy with myself, but looking back, I feel like I could be happy now at a better weight.

I try to make myself understand that I’ll never be the weight I want to be, but I can focus on being healthier. It’s just so hard to let go of your ideals. Something you’ve wanted so bad for so long. I gave up for awhile, and that’s how I ended up being as fat as I am, but deep down I still kept the dream alive, I guess.

I just want to be considered “normal”. And not a size 12-normal, because that’s realistically what size the average woman is in the US. I want to not be able to be considered fat or overweight. I want to be a single-digit size. Not a size 0, although secretly I’ve wished for 0-4, but a size 6-8 would make me happy. Meanwhile, even at my thinnest in high school, I was only a size 10. My waist is super wide, and even though I was thin and “average” sized, according to BMI, I was still a big fat pig.

I want to not be embarrassed about how I look, and I want to not have to worry if I can fit in an airplane seat, or if a chair can support me, I want to just live my life and be free, I suppose. I don’t know that I’m capable of ever getting to that point, and I’m not sure even how to work towards it, at this point.

But that’s what I want. I’m willing to work for it, and I’m not giving up, but I am definitely battling old demons and really struggling right now.

Another lb down… 85 to go

I only lost 1 lb this week, which I was a little disappointed about. Until I talked to a friend at work. She reminded me what a lb of fat looks like- how can I not be happy that is gone?

So I’m trying to readjust my attitude and put the week in perspective. My calories were on point-low most of the week, but Sunday was a mess and I also didn’t walk any this week hardly. So one lb down is still one more lb closer to my goal.

This morning I’ve already walked 1.75 miles and did 30min with my trainer, who really worked me hard today. So the day is off to a great start! I’m also focusing on feeding myself better and not skipping meals this coming week. Last week I may not have had the calories, but I still didn’t lose much.

I’ve got to eat I fuel my body and also get my workouts in. Goals for next week!

Progress pics: 1-Month

20140717-191329-69209427.jpg20140717-191329-69209178.jpg

So hopefully I’m not delusional, but there appears to be a little less cushion around the outside of my midsection. At least I think so and I sent to a couple people who thought so too.

I really didn’t expect to see any noticeable changes in just one short month, but the front facing pics, I swear there’s a smidge of improvement!

So I was pretty excited when I saw the pics side by side over the weekend.

Short post, but tomorrow is weigh-day, so more to come soon! Fingers crossed for another losing week!

Back after a brief respite

I haven’t blogged in a few days… or done much of anything, really. I had a jam-packed weekend (more to come on that) and then took a couple much-needed “mental health days” off of work.

Sunday was a great, active day. I am a little stressed, as I was not able to log my cals for either Lunch or Dinner. We took a day trip to Sarasota/Siesta Key, and thanks to the Botanical Gardens in the morning, I easily hit my 5,000 step goal. But we ate lunch at the cafe there, and I had no idea how to log the yummy salad I had. I don’t think the calories were awful, it was like chunks of chicken, a few pecan slivers, and couscous, which I purposely avoided eating, due to carbs. After the beach, we hit up a cute local place for dinner, and I sort of over-indulged. I had two cocktails (bad, bad!) and then a 10oz filet mignon and these incredible roasted red potatoes. So, more carbs and I know, 10oz is way too much. I know, but I ate it. Then Sunday night happened…. took friends up on a last minute invite downtown and what started with a couple low-cal drinks led to “I don’t care” and countless shots. Of everything. It was muy malo. Needless to say, I got wastey-pants, which inevitably led to getting sick. So hopefully I got rid of most of the cals?

Monday and Tuesday I was off from work. I literally did NOTHING. I basically slept for 2 days straight. Of course, I made some time to eat, but luckily I wasn’t awake enough to be tempted too much by food. Today was my first day back to work, and I didn’t eat until I got home a few minutes ago, so I’ve only had 144 cals today (4 from my morning 5-hr and then a bunch of veggies when I got home). Planning on cooking some chicken later, so I should end around 350-500 cals, depending on how I cook it, I think.

Not a great day, but, I’m sorta hoping the last few days even out my crazy Sunday Funday and I still manage a loss this week.

So lots going on, and nothing going on at the same time. I did take my 4-wk Progress Pics over the weekend as well. Will be posting those perhaps later this evening.

I know I haven’t had the best few days, for different reasons, but I’m really trying to get back on track and tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to do well. On the plus side, I’ve been thinking about fast food, and I did avoid eating anything. At least that’s one win! It’s been nearly 5 weeks without fast food, and I’m looking forward to making that many more.

Feelings…

20140711-200916-72556284.jpg

What do you do with feelings if you’re not supposed to eat them (or drink them)? What is one to do? Pushing them down and hoping they go away doesn’t seem to be working.

For once I’m trying not to eat my feelings away. I have had a reasonable amount of calories today. Then I remembered that amazing bottle of the wine in the fridge that a friend brought over and I had the calories left for it. So I had a glass. Logged it as 1.5 glasses to be safe. Only at 1002 calories for the day. I could *totally* drink the whole bottle and still (barely) be under calories for the day.

But, I’ve volunteered to be the DD if someone needs a ride later tonight, so I’m stuck being responsible instead of drinking myself into a stupor. Which I must admit, I’m a little disappointed about.

So now I’m sitting here with these feelings. I was seriously thinking about just going to bed, despite the earliness of the hour. Then I (briefly) considered walking, which would actually be a healthy response to my stress and would most certainly make me feel better- it always does. BUT, no, I quickly put that idea to bed- there’s no way I’m putting pants back on tonight.

So here I sit. I text with a friend but then when they asked if there was anything they could do, I shut down. God forbid I share my feelings, either. I have to hold on to them and agonize and ruminate over them, just like everything else.

I know my life is not awful. I have a wonderful life and am a lucky lady. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel down sometimes or have stress just like everyone else. I just don’t know what to do with mine.

Part of the reason I got so vastly obese is because I was severely depressed and chose to eat myself into oblivion. I don’t want to continue to do that, and I’m now aware of that response. But I have no idea wtf I’m supposed to do instead.

I know, I know. I should get up and walk. But I’m not going to. Not tonight. Isn’t there some other alternative? I also used to drink to excess. A lot. Because I couldn’t deal with some things in my past.

After much therapy and a long time (time does help heal our wounds) and a lot of work, I’m mostly over those issues. I reacted in a completely “normal” way, considering the circumstances. Now I rarely drink, but there are still times I just want to get completely wasted. Because I’m having trouble with whatever feelings I’m dealing with. I can’t even identify what I’m truly feeling half the time. I just know I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable.

I’m completely baring my soul here, yet again, and feeling very exposed. That’s also an uncomfortable feeling, but there’s a bit of safety in that this can stay right here, with all of you whom I don’t know in real life. I usually share my posts, as an accountability tool, but a couple times I’ve chosen not to. Because I didn’t want people in my real life to read my true feelings.

What is that about? Why is it I always have to be happy and peppy and keep It together? What about when I need to fall apart? And need someone to help pick up the pieces? Wtf am I supposed to do then? Why can’t I have a little breakdown? I think I’m entitled.

But, alas, I won’t. I will lay here ruminating and obsessing and doing what I do and feeling…. Something. Idk what. I’m trying to place it.

I took graduate courses in clinical mental health counseling for about a year or so. I learned about basic feelings: they boil down to like mad, sad, glad and I couldn’t remember the last one. Google says scared/confused but I don’t think that was it. Oh, well.

So… Am I mad, sad, or glad? Obviously I’m confused, we’re not counting that one. Mad is an interesting emotion for me. I don’t like being mad. I hate it. I loathe to experience “mad”. When I was in therapy in my teens, there were multiple occasions where I should have been “mad” at certain events. One In particular I clearly recall.

My therapist one day asked me about it and I admitted I wasn’t mad. I couldn’t be mad. Mad is a scary emotion for me. It was literally *years* later that I dealt with all these consequences of this event, and I never got mad…. Until I did.

I was in my early 20s and drinking excessively. I was extremely drunk, as usual. Then I started crying. Also not all that unusual. My friends called my bestie to come pick me up, which she did. On the way home I was rambling about who knows what. Nonsense. Then it came: intense rage that I have never felt before or since and had no idea I was capable of feeling.

I was beyond mad. I was incensed. I lost it. I started yelling and screaming and my poor friend pulled over to the side of the bridge we happened to be traveling over and let me let it all out. By the end we were both crying. I finally felt mad. After keeping it bottled up for a million years.

I don’t know why I’m really sharing all this. I have no idea what I’m doing here right now. I’m trying to be honest about this process, I suppose, and everything it brings up inside me. I don’t want to pretend like this is some easy breezy thing I’m doing here.

It’s hard work, and I’m not just referring to eating right and working out. That’s challenging, but what’s hard is all the other stuff. All the crap that’s been buried for years and numbed is bubbling to the surface and I don’t know what to do with it all.

Well, I have no idea if I’m mad, glad, sad, or whatever else. I’m certainly not glad. I don’t particularly feel mad, although I don’t care to express that emotion generally anyway. So perhaps I am sad? Is that the uncomfortableness I am feeling?

I do have things I could be sad about. Perhaps that is it. So… What do I do with this sadness? I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep and sleep the feeling away since I’m no longer eating or drinking the feeling away. I think that would still be considered avoidance, though… What do “normal” people do with their feelings?

86 lbs to go

Weigh-day results: 3lbs down this week!

Quite frankly I’m not sure how that happened, as I slipped up a couple times. But I was very pleasantly surprised this morning when I got on the scale and I think I really needed this loss today.

So for those of you who are keeping track, that’s 14lbs down in 4 wks leaving 86 lbs to go by June 20, 2015. I’m on my way!!!!

Now I just have to keep up the momentum. I have struggled this week and been a little quiet due to some personal and family circumstances.

I think getting this loss is just the thing to get me back on track 100%. I’m excited (and still quite nervous) for OA tomorrow morning. I really think it will help me long term. I’ve got to get my food issues under control.

So all in all it’s a pretty happy Friday for me! How is everyone else doing?