Failing is never fun. I went into the weekend with a plan but I didn’t have the willpower to follow it. I let my emotions dictate my eating as well.
Considering how many calories I probably used to eat in a day, it’s not the worst I’ve ever eaten or anything like that. But, I had potato salad at the party and a glass of wine. When I really fell off track was last night.
The fiancé won tickets to an arena football game. I waited until the very last second (after he had already showered and was pleading with me to get ready) to finally tell him I didn’t want to go.
Why? Because I was worried I wouldn’t fit in the seats. Because I’m a fatass. Sooo he told me we could sit in the bar upstairs and see the whole game. And we invited friends who we were meeting us there and he already confirmed with them. So I went.
Of course, with my luck, the bar was closed. He’s never seen it closed at any event, and last night it was closed. So we had no choice but to go to our seats. *sigh* I was terrified.
As expected, I did not fit in the seat. Technically, yes, I could sit down. But, nope, it definitely wasn’t comfortable. I sat there, holding my arms together, fidgeting in my seat and trying to deal for an hour and a half. Finally I got up to go to the bathroom. Which was terrifying in and of itself because I felt like the whole end of the arena was staring at me and thinking how huge I was, as I walked down the stairs by myself.
Luckily I ran into Evan, who had gone to get drinks. He saw me and said if I wanted, we could leave. I said I did want to leave. So, he said goodbye to our friends and we left. I was mortified.
Talk about embarrassing. I ruined our night out, all because I’m too fat. The fiancé wanted I salvage the night, so he suggested we go to Ruby’s and get the salad bar, which I love. Then I suggested Perkins. I had a horrifically caloric meal in plan. I felt like utter shit so I wanted to stuff my face.
Which doesn’t even make sense, because all that does is make me fatter and proliferate the problem. But that’s what I wanted. So we went to Perkins, I ordered the sampler (I know) and I did only eat a little, but of course I took it all home and ate the rest this morning.
Luckily my friend checked in with me around lunch time. I changed my thinking and went back and logged the awfulness of the weekend. 1858 cals yesterday and today I’m at nearly 2200. 2200 can you believe that? It’s hideous. But my friend encouraged me to still eat lunch and dinner, instead of skipping. So, I did.
Not the way I wanted this weekend to go, but at least I didn’t go on a total spiral and get fast food (which I was wanting). Because I start with one meal, and then I think about this meal from this fast food place, and then another meal at another place and I have to have it all. So, it could have been worse.
Overall I feel like crap about how I reacted to events of this weekend. I have to fix that, which I’m working on, and that’s why I’m going to be working with that behavioral health nurse and the nutritionist and all of that.
Trying to focus on the positive and not let myself go on that downward spiral. I knew this would be difficult and I knew it would have ups and downs and I wouldn’t always be perfect. This weekend basically blew, but, at least I logged.