Unhealthy habits

We all have them… Some unhealthy habits are worse than others, especially when you’re talking about food and nutrition.

I was just texting and admitted how even though I know skipping breakfast is bad, and I know I need to eat enough to fuel my body, I’m totally excited today to see low numbers for my calories. I’m under 400 for the day so far. It makes me feel happy and proud.

But I shouldn’t be. I should be upset with myself for skipping breakfast not to mention my usual mid-morning snack and I should not be happy that my calories are so low because my body needs an appropriate amount of fuel to facilitate weight loss.

It’s so hard to let go of old bad habits. I used to restrict my calories excessively, and while I don’t do that anymore, that mindset is still there. I know intellectually what I need to do, yet I still take pleasure in unhealthy “victories”.

How do we get over the voices that are so ingrained in our head and who we are? Everything my friend had told me to do had worked and I’m yielding the results. Yet I still have inclinations to revert back to old behaviors. Unhealthy behaviors, which didn’t even ever work well for me.

I did used to maintain my weight. Throughout high school I was heavy- definitely high school fat- but I weighed between 130-150. I maintained that weight in unhealthy ways, so I don’t really count that as a true success. Since I was 11 or so I’ve had unhealthy habits. Using and even abusing diet pills, binging and purging, diuretics, etc. I know I’ve mentioned some of this in prior posts, so I apologize for any repetitiveness.

But I’m sitting here wondering what is wrong with me. When I know these things are wrong, and I know the right and healthy choices, why do I go down this road? Then it becomes almost a challenge in itself- how low can I go today? Instead of wanting to eat regularly and be healthy, I start wanting to skip meals and restrict. I know better!

How do we break these unhealthy habits? Have you beaten any of your old bad habits?

I hate trying to do anything in moderation. It’s so difficult for me. I’m more of an all or nothing personality. I also tend to obsess, which isn’t exactly beneficial either to my weight loss. I let things consume me it feels like.

I have to break the cycle once and for all and continue doing what I know is healthy. This is all about a lifestyle change, so it’s going to take time. Slow and steady does it, right? Hard for someone who’s so impatient to deal with that approach. I want to be perfect, and I want to be perfect now. I also want to not have to battle myself internally over food one way or the other, but I’m worried that will never happen.

I’m worried I’ll always have thoughts about eating bad foods or wanting to binge, or going the other way wanting to restrict too much. Both are so tempting at times.

I realized when I was 21 my day revolved around food. My therapist at the time told me my whole life revolved around food. It was an instant “ah-ha” moment and I finally understood or the first time that I had real eating issues. I thought I got over them years ago, but I’m just now realizing that 10 years later, my life still revolves around food.

I feel sad and pathetic right now. I wish I had a brilliant spin on this and a neat little way to wrap up this post, but I’m afraid I don’t. Food has consumed my thoughts and much of my actions for about 20 years now. I don’t know that I’ll ever win the battle.

I’m not doubting that I’ll lose weight. I will continue to do what I’m doing and I will lose this weight. I’m done. But I’m saddened that my life will probably always be ruled by food and the fight not to eat, not to restrict, not to do this or that. I’m afraid of winning the battle and losing the war….

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