For those of you who read my blog earlier today, you know I had a little revelation. I realized that just like when I was 21 and dealing with an eating issue, that 10 years later, my life still revolves around food. That makes 20 years now I’ve dealt with food issues.
That was huge, and rather hard for me to swallow. I was pretty depressed this afternoon, and text several people basically freaking out. Two of them, at almost the same time, suggested I try over-eaters anonymous (OA).
This wouldn’t be my first experience with OA, actually. I tried attending a “meeting” online maybe 3-4 years ago. I totally didn’t get the format or feel like it did anything for me, and I didn’t even stay on the whole meeting.
But, I’ve never tried attending in person. I was too embarrassed to dream of going in person. It was mortifying to me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it outright, but I have a lot of anxiety I deal with as well. Much of it probably from being uncomfortable in my own skin… perhaps?
Anyway…. I looked up meetings and found one on Saturday mornings and it’s not even that far from my house. I was surprisingly open to the idea this afternoon, which is indicative of my determination and attempts to use every possible resource available to me this time around. This time I’m being successful, and I’m not trying the same old thing for the millionth time. I do actually want to get to the root cause of my issues and resolve them, so maybe it won’t be such a constant struggle every single day for the rest of my life.
After I looked up the meeting, I went to their website to find out some more information. Well, holy shit. I could be the poster-child for OA! I could strongly relate to just about every single question they listed that you’re to ask yourself. They even straight up listed using vomiting and laxatives as a means to control your weight. Also, the guilt, eating in secret, and I could go on and on and on.
Reading their website was practically a whole new revelation for me, in and of itself. I felt like I finally found a place that would understand me, and could actually help me. So here’s my hang-up: It focuses on the 12-step Recovery model. I’ve never actually read the 12 Steps, until today, and I know it works for tons of people, but I’m not totally in love with the religious aspect.
Yes, I also know you only must believe in a “higher power”, whatever that means to you. Not the point. Some of the steps were about giving over to God and stuff like that. I don’t know why, but that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because I’m a control freak.
I completely believe in God, for me personally, that is my belief. But I’m not an overly religious person. I was raised in the Church and attended Christian and Catholic schools Pre-k-12th Grade. So, I’m quite familiar with religion, I just have issues there I suppose I need to address at some point as well, but now isn’t really the time. So, this whole thing makes me a little nervous and uncomfortable. I don’t want to feel like I’m being lectured or preached to.
I called the contact for the meetings and left a voice mail, but she hasn’t called me back yet. I sort of wanted to get a little more information, but I’m still planning on going Saturday morning.
Some people may read this and think I’m totally pathetic or a loser, or whatever you want to call me. It’s embarrassing for me to admit I have a problem with eating (STILL!) and need help. I thought I put all that behind me 10 years ago. But I didn’t.
I do need help to get through some of my issues, and I can’t afford to go to private therapy right now. But maybe this will help? Maybe this will be the thing to get me through all of these issues, and isn’t that at least worth trying?