Feelings…

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What do you do with feelings if you’re not supposed to eat them (or drink them)? What is one to do? Pushing them down and hoping they go away doesn’t seem to be working.

For once I’m trying not to eat my feelings away. I have had a reasonable amount of calories today. Then I remembered that amazing bottle of the wine in the fridge that a friend brought over and I had the calories left for it. So I had a glass. Logged it as 1.5 glasses to be safe. Only at 1002 calories for the day. I could *totally* drink the whole bottle and still (barely) be under calories for the day.

But, I’ve volunteered to be the DD if someone needs a ride later tonight, so I’m stuck being responsible instead of drinking myself into a stupor. Which I must admit, I’m a little disappointed about.

So now I’m sitting here with these feelings. I was seriously thinking about just going to bed, despite the earliness of the hour. Then I (briefly) considered walking, which would actually be a healthy response to my stress and would most certainly make me feel better- it always does. BUT, no, I quickly put that idea to bed- there’s no way I’m putting pants back on tonight.

So here I sit. I text with a friend but then when they asked if there was anything they could do, I shut down. God forbid I share my feelings, either. I have to hold on to them and agonize and ruminate over them, just like everything else.

I know my life is not awful. I have a wonderful life and am a lucky lady. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel down sometimes or have stress just like everyone else. I just don’t know what to do with mine.

Part of the reason I got so vastly obese is because I was severely depressed and chose to eat myself into oblivion. I don’t want to continue to do that, and I’m now aware of that response. But I have no idea wtf I’m supposed to do instead.

I know, I know. I should get up and walk. But I’m not going to. Not tonight. Isn’t there some other alternative? I also used to drink to excess. A lot. Because I couldn’t deal with some things in my past.

After much therapy and a long time (time does help heal our wounds) and a lot of work, I’m mostly over those issues. I reacted in a completely “normal” way, considering the circumstances. Now I rarely drink, but there are still times I just want to get completely wasted. Because I’m having trouble with whatever feelings I’m dealing with. I can’t even identify what I’m truly feeling half the time. I just know I don’t like it. It’s uncomfortable.

I’m completely baring my soul here, yet again, and feeling very exposed. That’s also an uncomfortable feeling, but there’s a bit of safety in that this can stay right here, with all of you whom I don’t know in real life. I usually share my posts, as an accountability tool, but a couple times I’ve chosen not to. Because I didn’t want people in my real life to read my true feelings.

What is that about? Why is it I always have to be happy and peppy and keep It together? What about when I need to fall apart? And need someone to help pick up the pieces? Wtf am I supposed to do then? Why can’t I have a little breakdown? I think I’m entitled.

But, alas, I won’t. I will lay here ruminating and obsessing and doing what I do and feeling…. Something. Idk what. I’m trying to place it.

I took graduate courses in clinical mental health counseling for about a year or so. I learned about basic feelings: they boil down to like mad, sad, glad and I couldn’t remember the last one. Google says scared/confused but I don’t think that was it. Oh, well.

So… Am I mad, sad, or glad? Obviously I’m confused, we’re not counting that one. Mad is an interesting emotion for me. I don’t like being mad. I hate it. I loathe to experience “mad”. When I was in therapy in my teens, there were multiple occasions where I should have been “mad” at certain events. One In particular I clearly recall.

My therapist one day asked me about it and I admitted I wasn’t mad. I couldn’t be mad. Mad is a scary emotion for me. It was literally *years* later that I dealt with all these consequences of this event, and I never got mad…. Until I did.

I was in my early 20s and drinking excessively. I was extremely drunk, as usual. Then I started crying. Also not all that unusual. My friends called my bestie to come pick me up, which she did. On the way home I was rambling about who knows what. Nonsense. Then it came: intense rage that I have never felt before or since and had no idea I was capable of feeling.

I was beyond mad. I was incensed. I lost it. I started yelling and screaming and my poor friend pulled over to the side of the bridge we happened to be traveling over and let me let it all out. By the end we were both crying. I finally felt mad. After keeping it bottled up for a million years.

I don’t know why I’m really sharing all this. I have no idea what I’m doing here right now. I’m trying to be honest about this process, I suppose, and everything it brings up inside me. I don’t want to pretend like this is some easy breezy thing I’m doing here.

It’s hard work, and I’m not just referring to eating right and working out. That’s challenging, but what’s hard is all the other stuff. All the crap that’s been buried for years and numbed is bubbling to the surface and I don’t know what to do with it all.

Well, I have no idea if I’m mad, glad, sad, or whatever else. I’m certainly not glad. I don’t particularly feel mad, although I don’t care to express that emotion generally anyway. So perhaps I am sad? Is that the uncomfortableness I am feeling?

I do have things I could be sad about. Perhaps that is it. So… What do I do with this sadness? I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep and sleep the feeling away since I’m no longer eating or drinking the feeling away. I think that would still be considered avoidance, though… What do “normal” people do with their feelings?

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