I have really been struggling since Saturday night with my eating. I ordered pizza after battling crazy cravings all day long, and of course that provided me leftovers the next day. Then Sunday I succumbed to my McDonald’s craving, due in part to poor planning.
Today I started off right by going to the gym and seeing my trainer, but then lunch happened. I even brought my lunch today and was completely prepared, so as to avoid exactly what still happened. I got ticked off at the Post Office and so I decided in the spur of the moment that I deserved a Starbucks. I was also extremely exhausted ALL day.
It seemed like such a good idea, until I got the triple Venti mocha cookie crumble (I know- I didn’t even get anything with halfway reasonable calories) AND then I ordered a cheese danish. They are the best cheese danishes I’ve ever had in my life, and I had no reason to get one whatsoever, except that it was there, and I wanted it.
Then I went back to work, with my giant, highly caloric drink and danish and I quickly consumed them, which was immediately followed by waves of guilt. I started texting a million people, but I kept erasing it. I wanted to purge hardcore. I haven’t done that in awhile, since last year (and not frequently for many years) but I wanted to SOOO bad.
I fought it, and didn’t, but these compulsions have been really hitting me hard lately. I’m not sure why.
Two people have followed up and called me from OA. I don’t know if they text, though. Actually, 3 people, but one said it was her house phone and she’s also new.
But I almost tried texting one, completely freaking out, but I stopped. And it’s just too uncomfortable for me to actually call one of them. I know you’re supposed to get a sponsor, if you decide to do this, but I hate talking on the phone. I detest it. Except with my mother, fiance, and father. Otherwise, don’t call me.
I’m very disappointed in myself and I know I’m totally screwing up all the progress that I’ve made, and I don’t think I’m going to completely spiral out of control, but I’ve got to get a handle on this nonetheless.
I hate when I screw up, and I hate the way I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.
I was going strong 5 weeks, and then, BLAH. I knew and planned for there to be bumps along the way, but knowing that is realistically going to happen doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when it happens.
Also, in OA they talk about only eating 3 meals a day, no snacks, and abstinence from your “trigger” foods. I think I would die if I didn’t allow myself to snack in between meals. I’m so not ready to do only 3 meals a day. And all these nutritionists and trainers tell you to eat like 6 small meals a day, anyway. Which I was eating maybe 4-5 times a day when I was doing well.
I just am feeling a little overwhelmed and I suppose unhappy.
OH- I sold my big fat wedding dress over the weekend, so I officially have nothing to fall back on. I have absolutely GOT to lose this weight. I am so tired of how I look and feel and I was never happy with myself, but looking back, I feel like I could be happy now at a better weight.
I try to make myself understand that I’ll never be the weight I want to be, but I can focus on being healthier. It’s just so hard to let go of your ideals. Something you’ve wanted so bad for so long. I gave up for awhile, and that’s how I ended up being as fat as I am, but deep down I still kept the dream alive, I guess.
I just want to be considered “normal”. And not a size 12-normal, because that’s realistically what size the average woman is in the US. I want to not be able to be considered fat or overweight. I want to be a single-digit size. Not a size 0, although secretly I’ve wished for 0-4, but a size 6-8 would make me happy. Meanwhile, even at my thinnest in high school, I was only a size 10. My waist is super wide, and even though I was thin and “average” sized, according to BMI, I was still a big fat pig.
I want to not be embarrassed about how I look, and I want to not have to worry if I can fit in an airplane seat, or if a chair can support me, I want to just live my life and be free, I suppose. I don’t know that I’m capable of ever getting to that point, and I’m not sure even how to work towards it, at this point.
But that’s what I want. I’m willing to work for it, and I’m not giving up, but I am definitely battling old demons and really struggling right now.