I have really been struggling since Saturday night with my eating. I ordered pizza after battling crazy cravings all day long, and of course that provided me leftovers the next day. Then Sunday I succumbed to my McDonald’s craving, due in part to poor planning.

Today I started off right by going to the gym and seeing my trainer, but then lunch happened. I even brought my lunch today and was completely prepared, so as to avoid exactly what still happened. I got ticked off at the Post Office and so I decided in the spur of the moment that I deserved a Starbucks. I was also extremely exhausted ALL day.

It seemed like such a good idea, until I got the triple Venti mocha cookie crumble (I know- I didn’t even get anything with halfway reasonable calories) AND then I ordered a cheese danish. They are the best cheese danishes I’ve ever had in my life, and I had no reason to get one whatsoever, except that it was there, and I wanted it.

Then I went back to work, with my giant, highly caloric drink and danish and I quickly consumed them, which was immediately followed by waves of guilt. I started texting a million people, but I kept erasing it. I wanted to purge hardcore. I haven’t done that in awhile, since last year (and not frequently for many years) but I wanted to SOOO bad.

I fought it, and didn’t, but these compulsions have been really hitting me hard lately. I’m not sure why.

Two people have followed up and called me from OA. I don’t know if they text, though. Actually, 3 people, but one said it was her house phone and she’s also new.

But I almost tried texting one, completely freaking out, but I stopped. And it’s just too uncomfortable for me to actually call one of them. I know you’re supposed to get a sponsor, if you decide to do this, but I hate talking on the phone. I detest it. Except with my mother, fiance, and father. Otherwise, don’t call me.

I’m very disappointed in myself and I know I’m totally screwing up all the progress that I’ve made, and I don’t think I’m going to completely spiral out of control, but I’ve got to get a handle on this nonetheless.

I hate when I screw up, and I hate the way I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.

I was going strong 5 weeks, and then, BLAH. I knew and planned for there to be bumps along the way, but knowing that is realistically going to happen doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when it happens.

Also, in OA they talk about only eating 3 meals a day, no snacks, and abstinence from your “trigger” foods. I think I would die if I didn’t allow myself to snack in between meals. I’m so not ready to do only 3 meals a day. And all these nutritionists and trainers tell you to eat like 6 small meals a day, anyway. Which I was eating maybe 4-5 times a day when I was doing well.

I just am feeling a little overwhelmed and I suppose unhappy.

OH- I sold my big fat wedding dress over the weekend, so I officially have nothing to fall back on. I have absolutely GOT to lose this weight. I am so tired of how I look and feel and I was never happy with myself, but looking back, I feel like I could be happy now at a better weight.

I try to make myself understand that I’ll never be the weight I want to be, but I can focus on being healthier. It’s just so hard to let go of your ideals. Something you’ve wanted so bad for so long. I gave up for awhile, and that’s how I ended up being as fat as I am, but deep down I still kept the dream alive, I guess.

I just want to be considered “normal”. And not a size 12-normal, because that’s realistically what size the average woman is in the US. I want to not be able to be considered fat or overweight. I want to be a single-digit size. Not a size 0, although secretly I’ve wished for 0-4, but a size 6-8 would make me happy. Meanwhile, even at my thinnest in high school, I was only a size 10. My waist is super wide, and even though I was thin and “average” sized, according to BMI, I was still a big fat pig.

I want to not be embarrassed about how I look, and I want to not have to worry if I can fit in an airplane seat, or if a chair can support me, I want to just live my life and be free, I suppose. I don’t know that I’m capable of ever getting to that point, and I’m not sure even how to work towards it, at this point.

But that’s what I want. I’m willing to work for it, and I’m not giving up, but I am definitely battling old demons and really struggling right now.

11 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough couple days. I work at Starbucks and struggle with temptations all day long. I have a few recommendations next time you find yourself there you can get Tue Mocha Cookie Crumble with skinny mocha and sugar free vanilla also made light this will actually shave off a lot of calories and I love the cheese danishes!! Its hard to pass them up but if you get the salted chocolate almonds they are 300 calories and have protein also saves you calories. That’s some of the changes I’m having to make right now on my weight loss journey. Working at the Bucks is soooo hard for temptations

    • Omgosh I can’t imagine being surrounded by all that goodness all day long! Thanks for the tips. I didn’t realize I could get a skinny version of the frap!

      • Yeah it will shave off a bit of calories so you feel less guilty šŸ™‚ Its so hard I actually gained 60 lbs the first year I worked there!! I was already over weight so now I have to lose 112 lbs šŸ˜¦ but I’m taking it none day at a time

      • Good for you! I would beyond balloon up even further if I worked there! Target was hiring for sbux and I need a second job, thought about applying and then figured it would be disastrous for me. I’m only 85 lbs away from my goal of losing 100lbs by my wedding, but my total weight loss goal is actually 134 lbs left to go šŸ˜” but like you said- one day at a time!!! Hope you have a wonderful day!!!

  2. Firstly, ignore your bmi it’s a load of rubbish!
    It’s a hard truth but sometimes it just takes time to get your head in the game. For the first 8 or so weeks of starting my blog I was not regularly exercising or watching what I was eating. The good thing is that you have blogged about it instead of just not posting anymore. The sense of community spirit here is amazing and sometimes just one comment can give you the boost you need.
    Tomorrow is another day so try to put it behind you and start afresh.

    • Thank you! Today I have eaten bfast and once again brought my lunch (this time I will stick to that!). I’m purposely making myself blog to try not to let myself completely binge or slip up for an extended period of time. It’s hard, but I am really trying to keep myself honest and accountable. I love all the support i receive on here, it helps so much!

  3. Leave today behind. Leave the guilt behind. It’s done and gone. All you can control is your choices from this point forward. One good decision leads to another and one minute of good food choices leads to an hour and then a day and then a week. If you struggle again, start again. My mother-in-law gave me the best advice a few months ago. Chuck it in the f&@k it bucket and move on.

    • Lol- I love that! Never heard that before, but I’m stealing it! Thanks! Today is off to a good start and I’m determined to get back on track! Leaving the guilt behind is hard for me, but something else to work on!

  4. Take it one baby step at a time. We all struggle and make mistakes but you are facing them head on. That is hard to do and I am sure it took a lot for you to do it. You are brave to do that. I agree with the other comments. Don’t feel guilty just acknowledge it and move on. It is in the past. There is definitely a great community spirit here and we are all here to support you. You are strong and you CAN do this! You have come so far, keep going!

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