Broke my trainer’s heart a little this am…

Well, I got myself up and got to the gym before work and got in about a mile before it was time for my trainer. We had a great session today, but, in her words, I broke her heart a little this morning! 

Why? She asked what I was having for breakfast: granola. Not great, but, could be worse, right? Then she asked what I was having for lunch….. I softly whispered “lunchable”…….. and then I think she almost passed out. I think I mentioned earlier this week I was focusing on quantity, not quality this week. So just on hitting my calorie goals, and not the actual food content….

I guess that has to change. So, I did great hitting my cals this week, and I think my strategy worked, but I’ve got to find some middle ground. I wasn’t successful longterm being super restrictive and making all the “best” choices possible. I wouldn’t want to eat that healthy chicken breast night after night after night. So, I started eating bad foods and going over cals and gaining. 

This week I did lose- but only 1lb. I know, I know- it’s still a pound of fat! So, I’ll take it, and I’m not complaining, but I’ve got to average a 2lb loss/week to hit my goal of 100lbs dftg. 

That means I’m going to have to find a balance I can live with. As you can imagine, food become a topic of discussion the rest of the morning with my trainer. She also offered to give me food advice while I’m shopping, if I have any questions, so she’s really being nice. She mentioned other fruits, and I thought about cantaloupe. I like cantaloupe. It’s a fruit. So, cantaloupe is on the menu for next week. But she wants me to pair it with a protein, which is going to be the hard part. I actually just text her asking a question about my food plan for the week, which is racing through my little head right now. 

Last week, when I shopped, I focused on cheap options. Because I’m poor, and it gets really expensive to eat properly. So, I even went to Walmart (which I loathe) to try and save money instead of going to Publix, like I always do. And they had all these rollbacks on things! For like $1. Lunchables, frozen veg, etc. But I bought chicken with breaking and fish with breading and the chocolately granola bars. 

I’ve got to figure out enough options so I don’t get sick of things and get off track. Like, I was eating an apple with a little PB every morning for 2-3 weeks. Now I’m utterly over them and so this last week I went with the granola option. Only 140 cals, but I don’t even want to know how much sugar there must be in them. She wants me to pair the cantaloupe with a protein so my insulin or whatever doesn’t spike- can you imagine those chocolately granola bars and what they must have been doing to me? 

*sigh*

So this week I’m going to put a little more effort into it and try to compromise: not complete junk, but maybe allow myself chicken or fish with breading 1-2 nights next week for dinner, but the other nights have a healthier option- skinless chicken breast, for ex. Maybe if I still have semi “bad” options, for like a treat, I can manage to eat the healthier options the rest of the time. I just can’t go hardcore immediately from where I am. 

It’s going to take time to eat the way I really should be all the time. And it’s definitely going to take more energy and creativity from me that what I have been putting into food shopping. So, still a work in progress, but, I’m better than I was, right? Thinking back to 2009/2010, for instance, I lived on fast food. It’s disgusting how often I ate it, how much I ate. The enormous number of calories I was consuming on a daily basis. Not to mention all the soda I used to guzzle. It was awful. I feel so far removed from that person now, but I know it’s easy to slip back into old habits. 

All I can do is keep working hard, and figure this out as I go along. You have to find what will work for you and be a lifestyle you can sustain for the rest of your life. That’s what this is all about. 

How long does this take?!

I’ve been having a great week this far, but isn’t waiting for the results the *worst*?!

Plus you don’t notice 2lbs down. You don’t notice when you’re my size until like 20 lbs down. Which does not happen overnight.

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Waiting 12 weeks for people to notice?! That’s three months which feels like forever, even though I know it will fly by!

I think that is what makes staying on track week after week so hard. You don’t see the damage that “one” meal really causes. And for me it’s never just one meal. It turns into two and then three….

And losing a week is losing a lot in the long run. I can’t do anything about the time I’ve lost, but I can keep hanging in there and making good choices day after day. That’s what it takes to do this. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one pound at a time.

I’m going to keep celebrating the small victories. I can’t make huge changes all at once, but little changes here and there will add up and make a difference.

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I know I’m eating chicken and fish with breading again, but at least I’m eating chicken and fish and not fast food. I’m counting calories and hitting my goals this way, and I will lose weight again.

It’s just going to take time. This is my ultimate test in patience! Which is my absolute worst quality- I am the most impatient person I know! But, I’m going to have to learn how to do it slow and steady and just keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it some more.

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What did you do right today?

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I am personally trying to focus more on the positive and let go of the negative. I had a comment about being hard on myself, which was nothing I hadn’t heard before. But. maybe it was the last time I needed to hear it. I’m not saying I’m suddenly perfect or anything, but I am consciously trying to not be so hard on myself. Part of that is celebrating tiny victories! So I want to know what you did RIGHT today? 

What I did right was staying on my calorie goal and remaining under for the day. See, instantly I thought of something I should have done differently today, but NOPE, I’m shutting those thoughts down! Focus on the positive!!!! 

So I am going to mark this day down as a “win” in my book! This week is looking pretty good to me! 

I can only take it one day at a time. When you have such a massive amount of weight to lose, it’s easy to get overwhelmed or discouraged by slow progress. But, slow progress is better than NO progress! Which, I’ve dealt with off and on the last few weeks. I’ve been a bit of a yo-yo on that front. Gaining, re-losing, re-gaining, etc.

But, today I did good. And as a matter of fact, yesterday I did well, too. So that is 2 good days this week! I may only be down a lb or two this week, but at least it will be heading in the right direction. I’m not going to lose 9lbs in a week, like I did that first week, probably ever again. That was a drastic change and a fluke, I think. But, the way I’m going to do this is by losing 1-2 lbs a week, every week, for the next 10 months. 

So- I’m waiting to hear about your tiny victories today! 

30 cals over

Going to end the day at 30 calories over, but, I’ll take it. So hard to consistently hit those goals. I was super snacky today and thought I destroyed my day, so I’m happy enough that I’m only going to be over by 30 calories.

I have to get better at hitting my calorie goals every single day. Events are starting in less than a month and I’m not where I should be. I have a long way to go to get down 100lbs by the wedding and it’s starting to get real.

Our cruise is in 12 days, and I am really still concerned about being able to stay on track while on vacation. There’s so much temptation it’s insane. It’s so easy to eat over cals and not even think about it.

I’m glad we aren’t doing the alcohol program because that will save me a LOT of calories. But part or me still wants to do it, even though I know I shouldn’t. I plan on having a couple drinks on the cruise, but that’s it. I’ve seriously got to stick to that. I can’t just drink myself into a million calories.

So stressed with everything going on and so scared of failing. I hate to verbalize that, but deep down I’m afraid I’m still going to be exactly where I am now for my wedding. I just absolutely cannot let that happen.

I realized this weekend I have gone up about 6 dress sizes since meeting my fiancé. SIX!!!! How does that happen?!

Ok- I’ve got to stay focused and keep my eye on the prize. I have to see myself as a thinner bride. A beautiful bride. I know I’m capable of doing this I just have to be wiling to put in the effort.

How do you stay on track long term?

Plugging Along

Had a pretty kick ass day today. This is Day 5 that I’ve been back on track, so I definitely expect to lose again this week. 

Got some amazing news this morning and something I have been super stressed about is now pretty much resolved. It’s a ginormous weight off my shoulders, that’s for sure. It’s amazing how much stress can weigh us down. 

Taught me a lesson: Just have faith. Are you noticing a recurring theme yet? 

I had realized I needed to relinquish control to God, in my situation, and then miraculously today the problem was solved! So, I’m really try to let go of the other stress and anxiety I have and just trust that everything really will work out. i think my realization Friday that the only thing I could control was my attitude is helping with this as well I’m in such a better place mentally and emotionally than I was. 

Now I just have to stay strong and keep working on the physical. I’ve done really well today. It feels so amazing to get up and get my workout taken care of first thing in the morning, especially on busy/long days like today. 

My eating has been really on track today, too. I feel so proud of myself, instead of mad and frustrated and disappointed, etc. 

I really think I turned a corner in a big way- not just as far as my diet goes, but in life. I’ve got a whole new outlook and attitude. One that’s much healthier for me. Which is what this is all about- getting healthy. Physically, mentally ,emotionally. 

So, I’m just going to keep on plugging away and doing what I’m doing.

 

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Week 8 Recap

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This week the greatest lesson I learned is that I have to believe in myself. 

All in all it was a good week. Got back on track not just with nutrition but also with exercise and the improvement in my attitude is noticeable. 

I don’t feel great about my progress over all, though. Getting off track for those couple of weeks really hurt me. Overall. I’m currently only down about 8lbs since starting, which is actually less than I lost in the first week! I’ve lost about a month of progress, because my goal was losing 2lbs/wk. So, at 8 weeks in, I should be down 16lbs, not 8. 

However, I can still achieve my goal to be 100 lbs down for the gown! It is 307 days until my wedding, so just about 44 weeks. I need to lose 2lbs/wk *EVERY* week and I will still be able to hit my goal. 

That means no more getting off track. Considering that I have a cruise coming up in about 3 wks, I’m a bit nervous about this. I had planned on eating a little more freely on the cruise, but I can’t allow that to get me off track again. I’m going to have to eat smart and make sure I stay active. Eating right is really going to be a challenge on the boat. So much food, everywhere you look! 

We’re not going to buy the alcohol program, so we won’t be drinking very much. That will help save a lot of calories right there. But I’m really going to have to control my urge to order room service and eat between meals. And also keep my dinner portions and desserts under control. Uhg- I’m getting stressed. 

Ok- Focus on what I have achieved: I’m down 8lbs, which is actually a lot of fat, if you think about it. 5lbs of fat is huge and gross, so I’m down more than that. And I’m going to keep going down and down and by the time my wedding gets here I will not be at my ultimate goal, but I’ll be able to be down around 100lbs, which is phenomenal. 

This is a long and lifelong journey. It’s going to be important for me to keep believing in myself, above all else. I’m my worst enemy… 

fitbit down and deep thoughts

Tried fixing my fitbit after reading some things online, but to no avail. My fitbit is officially out of commission. Which is such a shame, since it’s been down the past few days, while I’ve been doing so well! I really wish I could see exactly where I was, so I could make sure I was staying on track as well as keep pushing myself. 

In any event, at least I know my body is still getting the benefits, even if I can’t track my steps right now! Weekends are usually such a killer for me, but so far this weekend I am doing well. Ate a reasonable breakfast and had a snack, and I’ll be getting lunch shortly, as it’s just about noon. Having chicken and veggies for lunch. Won’t be a ton of calories, so I can still afford to snack later. I *definitely* snack on the weekends. 

I’m really determined to stay on track this weekend, and not go over my cals. I’ve also been up since 630am and cleaned from 630-930, when I had to take the puppers to the groomers. Came back home and cleaned some more, and still have a ways to go. It’s great having more space, but it does take awhile to really clean and disinfect/sanitize +1750sqft. If I’m still feeling super ambitious a little later, I might even try to vacuum the stairs. They definitely need it, but what a task! 

The good thing is, all my cleaning means I’m staying active and getting in some good steps. Gotta keep burning as many calories as I can. I’m also really focusing on drinking more water. My friend Jacki, who has been helping me a lot through this whole process, has been telling me to get more water in. My trainer also has been telling me to drink more, and yesterday she said it should really help get the lbs off, if I start drinking more. So, definitely trying to get in as much water as possible. 

I’m still pretty stressed about everything that is going on. Really stressed with my work situation, finances and the wedding, and really finances in general, and unfortunately I really can’t control any of it. I realized on Friday, at work, that while I couldn’t control most of the things I am stressing about- at least not right now- I can control my attitude. So, I’m working hard at staying more positive and I’m really, really trying to let things go and not obsess. Which is totally my thing. I know I’ve talked about how hard it is for me to just trust in God that everything will work out and He has a plan. 

I know there have been so many situations in my life that I didn’t understand, but maybe even years later, I saw a benefit to them. I don’t know why it couldn’t have happened another way, but, things have always worked out for me. Not always on my timeframe, actually probably never on my time frame! I’m probably the most impatient person I know! But, nonetheless, everything has always pretty much worked out for the best. 

Being in limbo and not knowing is just the absolute hardest thing for me. I’m always rushing through life, and I’ve got to learn to just relax and take it slower. That’s one of the traits I admire in my fiancé. He hardly ever stresses about anything. He’s always so calm, and just like, we’ll figure it out. Meanwhile I sit and obsess and ruminate over all the possibilities and accomplish nothing except for working myself up. I have to learn to change a bit, in that regard. 

My nutritionist was telling me that stress (and my sleeping issues) can have an effect on your eating. My trainer yesterday told me it can actually change how your body processes carbs, which is definitely no good. So, somehow I have to learn to better deal with stress. It’s weird, because I sort of thrive on stress. I do my best work under pressure, but I don’t seem to have an “off” button. I am just constantly stressed, which I’m finding really isn’t healthy for me. I really don’t understand how people just let things go, though. I’m trying to tell myself I can’t think about it, or I’ll think about it later, or there’s nothing can do, so I need to not obsess, but it’s definitely hard to get my thoughts under control. 

In any event, I’m at least having a more positive attitude since being back on track. Today is Day 3 of being a superstar, and I’m definitely feeling much better in general. So that’s helping. Now I’ve just got to work on some of my bad habits and get everything else in check, too. 

This journey really isn’t just about weight loss, and I knew there would be more to it. I didn’t know what to expect or anticipate, but I knew that at least part of it would be dealing with my own head. So much of this journey really is mental, and I’m finding that more and more as I go along. I have to have faith in myself, which is so hard, when all you’ve ever done is beat yourself down. I was never good enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, never successful enough, definitely never anywhere close to thin enough. I’ve basically hated myself my whole life. It’s hard to realize that at 31 years old, and then even attempt to change something that’s so much a part of who you are. 

Part of me is afraid to even try. I feel like the fact that I’m never satisfied with anything in my life is what pushes me to do more and try harder. It helps me get to the next level. Although I’m definitely feeling lately like I’ve made A LOT less progress in my life than what I should have accomplished. 

I still don’t own a house, I don’t have kids, I am thankfully finally engaged to the man of my life, but I’m getting older. And to be honest, due to my own stupidity, I cannot have kids naturally. Adoption or in vitro both cost so much money, and with my current financial situation I don’t see any way we can ever accomplish any of these dreams. That’s what is really propelling me to explore other options at work. 

I am definitely ready for the next stage in my career. I’ve been promoted throughout my working career, of course, and moved “up”, but I’m nowhere close to where I want to be, or where I feel I should be. I don’t feel successful at all right now. But that unhappiness is what prompts me to work hard and find new possibly opportunities and if I become content with my life, how am I ever going to keep pushing for the next best thing? 

I’ve always got to have goals. Even if I meet these goals, they are constantly moving, because I’ll immediately have a next goal in its place. But I like the fact that I push myself. I know I’m capable of doing more, and being more, and I’m trying hard to break in and make my chance. Someone else is going to have to take a chance on me, but I just know I am capable of doing it. And I’m not talking about just a 2-5% increase in salary here. The salary range that I could get into eventually, if I can break through the barriers, is huge. Easily double my annual salary, and potentially much, much more. 

It’s not that I’m just greedy about money, though I do like money, but to me it represents all the things I can finally accomplish in my life. Not just material things, like the house, and I would want a new car of course (a nice, black Mercedes SUV), but it represents being capable of having a family for me. And the house isn’t just about the house- it’s about *finally* being able to settle down and plant roots somewhere. I’m aching to do that. I’ve moved around in my life so much, and potentially am looking at moving again for work, if I were to be offered one of the opportunities, but really, I want to find that place where I’m happy with my career and buy a decent house, and be able to settle down with my love, and start a little family. I know it’s cliche and probably stupid, but I want the little white picket fence, with another puppy, and be able to have a child. I want to be a mom SO bad. It hurts sometimes. My biological clock is definitely ticking loudly. 

I’m getting older, I’m already 31, and we won’t be married until I’m 32. It generally takes about 2 years to adopt a baby, and so best case scenario I’m looking at not begin able to have a baby until I’m 34, at the earliest. But that’s assuming somehow we can manage to come up with $30-40,000, to be able to adopt. It’s insane how expensive it is. I know there are some other options, but everywhere I’ve looked, to adopt a newborn in my state, is between $30-40k. And then think of all the expenses you’ll have. Starting a college fund for the child, furnishing a room, diapers, bottles, food, it’s all so much and so much money. 

So I don’t feel like I’m some selfish person, obsessed with trying to break into a new tax bracket. I just want to be able to have the same opportunities that I feel like most other people have. At least the people in my world- definitely the people in my world. I don’t feel like I measure up, at all. 

Anyway, I’ve talked about quite a lot, and it was rather unexpected. But maybe it’s good that I get all of this out of my head for a change. I’m praying everything works out, and I’m trying really hard to learn to have faith in myself and my abilities and to control the things that I can control and let go of the rest. Isn’t that the serenity prayer? It was always my favorite little prayer. I think it goes, “God, please help to me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. I am just realizing how huge that is. For some reason, I’ve always loved that little saying, but it never really meant anything to me. Now, maybe for the first time, it is. That’s huge. Accepting the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference…. 

Honeymoon flights booked!

Now I have to be able to fit (comfortably) in an airplane seat. Scary thought. I’m definitely flying after the wedding now it makes it all the more real. I’ve got to do this and lose 100lbs.

I haven’t flown since I was about 75lbs lighter than I am now. Maybe even 100-125. At that time I didn’t worry about things like fitting in airline seats, even though I was still a bit heavy. But I could fit places.

Now just thinking about flying causes so much anxiety. And it’s my turn to plan our vacay in 2017 again and I want to do a grand tour of Europe. That will be a lot of flying.

I’m cheating myself out of so much by being this weight.

Today is going well again. Got in over a mile on the treadmill this am before I had my trainer. Tomorrow I am going to try to squeeze in spin between puppy appts and errands.

I’m feeling pretty good about everything, just anxious. But, I need to stay focused and not let myself get discouraged. It’s going to take time. I’ve got to really understand that and not get frustrated at losing little by little. That is the way to do it.

This is about a whole new lifestyle and a whole new me. I can do it, but it’s not going to happen overnight. Stay focused!

Motivation

23 days until cruising 🌴🍹☀️
37 days until engagement shoot 😍
310 days until the wedding 👰❤️

Talk about some motivation! Look at all these events I have coming up. Long term goal is obviously the wedding. Still on target to lose 100lbs by June 20, 2015, despite my brief detour.

But in less than a month I’ve got our first cruise together with the fiancé and that means lots of photos. So of course I want to lose weight by then. Every little bit counts!

In just over a month I have the engagement photo shoot. I’m kinda bummed because I am not where I could have been. I wish I would not have let myself get off track for those couple weeks. But the past is the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it. Just have to keep moving forward.

I’m a bit nervous about if either of the dresses I bought for the engagement shoot are going to actually fit. I expected to be down more by now and I’m not. I tried looking online for “back up” dresses in my current size, and of course found nothing.

So I’m just going to work as hard as I can to keep moving forward and we’ll see where I am in about a month.

Besides those events, our engagement party is probably happening in November, which is also when I’m dress shopping. That is not that far away. So I’ve definitely got to stay on track and stay motivated. Keeping my eyes on the prize!

Consider yourself warned

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Well I woke up this morning, walked 1.25 miles – which I know isn’t far at all, but I haven’t been walking and pushed myself. I wanted to stop around .6 miles. I’ve also *finally* gotten my snacking back under control- yay!

Feeling really good about today and the fact that I am truly back on track. Feel so much better about myself.

Oh- and I weighed this am (a day early- as usual lol) and I am down 2lbs over last week. Which is really still up 6 lbs from my low last month. So, still a ways to go, but finally heading back in the right direction.

I only need to lose 2.2lbs/wk to hit my goal by my wedding still, so we’re all good there. Still totally doable but I really can’t afford any more detours.

So- I’m eating right, exercising, and sober- woot! That’s something to celebrate- but not with food or wine!

Celebrating the small victories…