Refocusing

I think I’ve turned the corner, as far as getting back on track. Took me a little while (definitely longer than I wanted), but, I think I’ve *finally* turned the corner. I’ve cut out all junk from my diet and am back to eating 3 meals/day. I am eating over calories, because I’m snacking (on good things) too often. I’ve got to get my portions back under control. Goal #1. 

I am not hitting my steps yet, either, but i WILL. i am working to get them back up. Of course tonight I am cleaning and so I’m moving, but I didn’t walk. I’m going to set my alarm to get up and walk tomorrow before work. That is just what works for me- I have to get it out of the way first thing. I try just using my fitbit alarm (it vibrates on my arm) so as not to wake the fiancé, but I’m going to have to suck it up, and just use a REAL alarm again. The kind that make obnoxious noise and jolt you awake. These soft vibrations are just not doing it for me. 

So I’ve got a plan of attack. I’m refocused on my goals, and determined to make progress. I can still feasibly lose 100lbs by my wedding. I just have to stay on track and keep improving. I can’t let myself get comfortable. I have to keep pushing harder and harder, and I’m going to. 

I have been exceptionally stressed lately, which is not helping anything. Unfortunately my stress is somewhat out of my control. There is hope for the future, but in the meantime I’ve just got to get it together and try to let it go and not sit and obsess about it, which is totally my thing. 

Nothing is going to change this minute, so I shouldn’t keep wasting all this time thinking about it. But that’s easier said than done, especially for me. My natural tendency is to obsess and ruminate about every little thing. I truly don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to get through some things, but I’ve got to at some point just have faith it will all work out. Somehow or someway. 

Getting to that point is not going to be easy. I’m not there yet, but at least I’m acknowledging and trying to work towards that, instead of just doing what comes naturally to me. I do like to plan, and I think you need to plan to be successful. At least in my life, things don’t just happen. You have to make them happen. But, I can’t make miracles happen overnight. I’ve got to just keep trucking along and doing my best and working hard and at some point have a little faith. 

So hard to just have faith. 

I have to keep working hard and trucking on my lifestyle change as well. That’s not going to just happen, either, that’s for sure. But, to a degree, I have to have faith I can do this, too. I found some old clothes and old pics while cleaning things out. The clothes were so small. I found my favorite pair of khaki’s from when I was younger– they were a size MEDIUM. I cannot remember when I was ever a size medium, but I wore those things ALL the time. I was never “skinny”, but I was so much more normal. I will never be a size 2, but I can be a size 12 again. I found old clothes around that size, too. That’s a very realistic goal for me, although of course, deep down, I want to be smaller. I want to be a size 2. 

My body just isn’t built for that. But, I can’t quite let go of that. Realistically, by my wedding, I will probably still be a plus size. No matter how hard I work, I’m going to be considered “fat”. I’ve seen pics of people that were around a size that is realistic for me to be at my wedding, and I thought they looked huge still. Which just makes me realize how much HUGER I am right now. 

I don’t want to look back at pictures of what should be the happiest day of my entire life with such disgust and regret. It is not going to be easy, but I have absolutely got to lose this weight. I will not look the way I truly want to look for my wedding, but anything is better than what I am now. And if I can lose 100 lbs, that’s 5-10 dress sizes. That will be a HUGE difference over where I am. 

Having faith and just trusting God, or the universe, or whatever you believe in, is so freaking hard for me. But, first I’ve got to believe in myself, or none of my dreams are going to come true. Weight-wise, work-wise, life-wise. I have a hard time believing in myself. I’ve got to trust deep down that i CAN do this. It is possible. Seeing those old clothes made it real and tangible- I have been smaller, and I can maintain a smaller weight. I did it for a long time. Albeit not in a healthy manner, but now I have tools that I did not have back then. I’m in a different place and I’m a different person and now I can do better. I’m capable of doing this, I just have to work my ass off and make it happen. 

 

 

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