fitbit down and deep thoughts

Tried fixing my fitbit after reading some things online, but to no avail. My fitbit is officially out of commission. Which is such a shame, since it’s been down the past few days, while I’ve been doing so well! I really wish I could see exactly where I was, so I could make sure I was staying on track as well as keep pushing myself. 

In any event, at least I know my body is still getting the benefits, even if I can’t track my steps right now! Weekends are usually such a killer for me, but so far this weekend I am doing well. Ate a reasonable breakfast and had a snack, and I’ll be getting lunch shortly, as it’s just about noon. Having chicken and veggies for lunch. Won’t be a ton of calories, so I can still afford to snack later. I *definitely* snack on the weekends. 

I’m really determined to stay on track this weekend, and not go over my cals. I’ve also been up since 630am and cleaned from 630-930, when I had to take the puppers to the groomers. Came back home and cleaned some more, and still have a ways to go. It’s great having more space, but it does take awhile to really clean and disinfect/sanitize +1750sqft. If I’m still feeling super ambitious a little later, I might even try to vacuum the stairs. They definitely need it, but what a task! 

The good thing is, all my cleaning means I’m staying active and getting in some good steps. Gotta keep burning as many calories as I can. I’m also really focusing on drinking more water. My friend Jacki, who has been helping me a lot through this whole process, has been telling me to get more water in. My trainer also has been telling me to drink more, and yesterday she said it should really help get the lbs off, if I start drinking more. So, definitely trying to get in as much water as possible. 

I’m still pretty stressed about everything that is going on. Really stressed with my work situation, finances and the wedding, and really finances in general, and unfortunately I really can’t control any of it. I realized on Friday, at work, that while I couldn’t control most of the things I am stressing about- at least not right now- I can control my attitude. So, I’m working hard at staying more positive and I’m really, really trying to let things go and not obsess. Which is totally my thing. I know I’ve talked about how hard it is for me to just trust in God that everything will work out and He has a plan. 

I know there have been so many situations in my life that I didn’t understand, but maybe even years later, I saw a benefit to them. I don’t know why it couldn’t have happened another way, but, things have always worked out for me. Not always on my timeframe, actually probably never on my time frame! I’m probably the most impatient person I know! But, nonetheless, everything has always pretty much worked out for the best. 

Being in limbo and not knowing is just the absolute hardest thing for me. I’m always rushing through life, and I’ve got to learn to just relax and take it slower. That’s one of the traits I admire in my fiancé. He hardly ever stresses about anything. He’s always so calm, and just like, we’ll figure it out. Meanwhile I sit and obsess and ruminate over all the possibilities and accomplish nothing except for working myself up. I have to learn to change a bit, in that regard. 

My nutritionist was telling me that stress (and my sleeping issues) can have an effect on your eating. My trainer yesterday told me it can actually change how your body processes carbs, which is definitely no good. So, somehow I have to learn to better deal with stress. It’s weird, because I sort of thrive on stress. I do my best work under pressure, but I don’t seem to have an “off” button. I am just constantly stressed, which I’m finding really isn’t healthy for me. I really don’t understand how people just let things go, though. I’m trying to tell myself I can’t think about it, or I’ll think about it later, or there’s nothing can do, so I need to not obsess, but it’s definitely hard to get my thoughts under control. 

In any event, I’m at least having a more positive attitude since being back on track. Today is Day 3 of being a superstar, and I’m definitely feeling much better in general. So that’s helping. Now I’ve just got to work on some of my bad habits and get everything else in check, too. 

This journey really isn’t just about weight loss, and I knew there would be more to it. I didn’t know what to expect or anticipate, but I knew that at least part of it would be dealing with my own head. So much of this journey really is mental, and I’m finding that more and more as I go along. I have to have faith in myself, which is so hard, when all you’ve ever done is beat yourself down. I was never good enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, never successful enough, definitely never anywhere close to thin enough. I’ve basically hated myself my whole life. It’s hard to realize that at 31 years old, and then even attempt to change something that’s so much a part of who you are. 

Part of me is afraid to even try. I feel like the fact that I’m never satisfied with anything in my life is what pushes me to do more and try harder. It helps me get to the next level. Although I’m definitely feeling lately like I’ve made A LOT less progress in my life than what I should have accomplished. 

I still don’t own a house, I don’t have kids, I am thankfully finally engaged to the man of my life, but I’m getting older. And to be honest, due to my own stupidity, I cannot have kids naturally. Adoption or in vitro both cost so much money, and with my current financial situation I don’t see any way we can ever accomplish any of these dreams. That’s what is really propelling me to explore other options at work. 

I am definitely ready for the next stage in my career. I’ve been promoted throughout my working career, of course, and moved “up”, but I’m nowhere close to where I want to be, or where I feel I should be. I don’t feel successful at all right now. But that unhappiness is what prompts me to work hard and find new possibly opportunities and if I become content with my life, how am I ever going to keep pushing for the next best thing? 

I’ve always got to have goals. Even if I meet these goals, they are constantly moving, because I’ll immediately have a next goal in its place. But I like the fact that I push myself. I know I’m capable of doing more, and being more, and I’m trying hard to break in and make my chance. Someone else is going to have to take a chance on me, but I just know I am capable of doing it. And I’m not talking about just a 2-5% increase in salary here. The salary range that I could get into eventually, if I can break through the barriers, is huge. Easily double my annual salary, and potentially much, much more. 

It’s not that I’m just greedy about money, though I do like money, but to me it represents all the things I can finally accomplish in my life. Not just material things, like the house, and I would want a new car of course (a nice, black Mercedes SUV), but it represents being capable of having a family for me. And the house isn’t just about the house- it’s about *finally* being able to settle down and plant roots somewhere. I’m aching to do that. I’ve moved around in my life so much, and potentially am looking at moving again for work, if I were to be offered one of the opportunities, but really, I want to find that place where I’m happy with my career and buy a decent house, and be able to settle down with my love, and start a little family. I know it’s cliche and probably stupid, but I want the little white picket fence, with another puppy, and be able to have a child. I want to be a mom SO bad. It hurts sometimes. My biological clock is definitely ticking loudly. 

I’m getting older, I’m already 31, and we won’t be married until I’m 32. It generally takes about 2 years to adopt a baby, and so best case scenario I’m looking at not begin able to have a baby until I’m 34, at the earliest. But that’s assuming somehow we can manage to come up with $30-40,000, to be able to adopt. It’s insane how expensive it is. I know there are some other options, but everywhere I’ve looked, to adopt a newborn in my state, is between $30-40k. And then think of all the expenses you’ll have. Starting a college fund for the child, furnishing a room, diapers, bottles, food, it’s all so much and so much money. 

So I don’t feel like I’m some selfish person, obsessed with trying to break into a new tax bracket. I just want to be able to have the same opportunities that I feel like most other people have. At least the people in my world- definitely the people in my world. I don’t feel like I measure up, at all. 

Anyway, I’ve talked about quite a lot, and it was rather unexpected. But maybe it’s good that I get all of this out of my head for a change. I’m praying everything works out, and I’m trying really hard to learn to have faith in myself and my abilities and to control the things that I can control and let go of the rest. Isn’t that the serenity prayer? It was always my favorite little prayer. I think it goes, “God, please help to me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. I am just realizing how huge that is. For some reason, I’ve always loved that little saying, but it never really meant anything to me. Now, maybe for the first time, it is. That’s huge. Accepting the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference…. 

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