Back to life, back to reality

Today was my first day back to work after the cruise- talk about being back to reality!

I also jumped on the scale when I got back, and I gained 3lbs on the cruise… #FAIL

When I saw that number on the scale, all I saw was how much I’ve gained back and how I’m almost back to my highest weight ever. A weight I swore I would never see again. I know it’s “only 3 lbs” but it’s NOT “only” 3 lbs. It’s 3 freaking lbs.

I wanted to maintain on the cruise, even though really I needed to lose. If I had maintained, I would have at least considered it a success. But I failed.

This morning, I started thinking something that I’ve never thought about before. I worried what would happen if i gained MORE weight? Not a lb or two, but if I kept on this track of slowly gaining back. What would happen if I hit my highest weight again? What would happen if I actually GAINED weight before my wedding.

I literally wouldn’t be able to fit into a dress. Literally.

More than that, I would lose my health. My health. I’ve never thought about my health. It’s never hit me.

I would be super morbidly obese. I am way closer than I want to admit to being one of those people you see on TV.

I never even considered I could ever be one of those people. Not me! But, then I never thought I would EVER be the size I am now. Ever. I could never have imagined where I was headed in my early 20s. Yet here I am.

It was a hard realization. Then I thought about my mom and my fiance. My mom has told me in the past several times that I need to lose weight for my health. I always basically rolled my eyes and dismissed her sentiment.

But not today. When I was on the cruise, I felt limited by my weight. I can’t just walk on and on anymore. I have to stop. My back aches. ACHES. I get out of breath. It’s pathetic and disgusting and I can’t go on like this.

I saw myself moving towards being “one of those people”. How completely terrifying is that? Being confined to a bed or house bound or anything like that is no way to live a life. This is no way to live a life and no food is worth this.

Over the weekend (we got back Thurs) I was still in vacation mode. Just last night I went and bought a variety cheesecake wheel. I had some for breakfast. That’s how much of a fat-ass I am: I had CHEESECAKE for BREAKFAST.

That’s sickening to me right now. How could I do that to myself? Sometime after breakfast is when I had the realization that I was basically on my way to being an incapacitated, super morbidly obese person.

Instead of making excuses and eating what remained, or starting fresh at breakfast one day, or at the beginning of a week, I said NO. It ends NOW. No more cheating. I realized I truly am only cheating myself.

So, I stopped. I am throwing out the cheesecake and I went by Publix and bought more fruits and veg to snack on and meat to make lunches and dinners for the rest of the week. I ate cantaloupe for lunch (I know- needed some protein too, but I had planned on fast food, so, it’s a better choice by far). I snacked on some nuts when I got home and ate a granola for snack, because I was starving late in the day at work.

Just finished making dinners for the week  “tacos” but they’re homemade and not awful. Doing like a taco salad, but not like Taco Bell! Making meatloaf later for lunches. Meatloaf has lots of protein and really isn’t that bad for you.

I know, it’s a lot of red meat. I’m not perfect, by far, and I’m just starting back on this path. I needed to make things I wanted to eat, so I could get my eating and choices back under control. I’m not making the “best” decisions yet, but I’m certainly making better ones.

I’ve never ever thought about weighing 400lbs or something. I’ve never thought about my weight becoming a disability. But that’s precisely the path I have been on for some years now. Gaining, gaining, gaining. Not straight gaining, it’s certainly been an up and down struggle, but I keep getting back up there.

I promised myself I would never be over 300 lbs again. This is HUGE for me to admit. I mean, you can do the math of how much I need to lose, and figure it out approximately, but I’ve never just “come clean” on my weight

I am back up to 299. That is where I was when I started this journey a couple months ago. I’m right back there. My highest weight ever was 309. It was mortifying. Over 300 lbs. ME. How the hell did that happen?

But it did. I promised myself when I started this I would never hit 300lbs again. EVER. I’m close, but I’m not letting it happen. I have a new resolve and a new viewpoint. It’s not just about looking good for my wedding day anymore- it’s about my health.

I want to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want to get diabetes or any of those things, and quite frankly I’m lucky that at my weight I haven’t developed more problems. I also realized this morning how much pure weight is sitting on my chest. I have asthma (I have since before kindergarten, I didn’t develop it as a result of my weight) but I realized how all that weight was just sitting on my chest, and how that cannot possibly be helping my asthma. I may have sleep apnea,I’ve never kept the appointment to start the process to find out. Why? Because I don’t WANT a C-Pap machine. I don’t WANT that problem. So I’m just trying to ignore it and hope it goes away….

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I want to LIVE life. To the fullest! Which isn’t cliche at all, it’s truly what we should all want!

I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines or not doing things because of my weight. Because I can’t fit, or I can’t walk that far, or whatever the excuse may be. I want to have fun again.

I want to go on roller coasters again, I want to get my fiance annual passes to Islands of Adventure and go up there on weekends when he isn’t working. I want to go on more cruises, but I want to be able to do the excursions! I don’t want to have to check the “activity level” and only do “easy” excursions. I want to zipline! I’ve been wanting to for YEARS but I’ve always been too heavy, or too close to the max weight, where I was too afraid to weight in front of everyone or chance it.

I want to live. I’m tired of being confined and held back by my big fat body. It’s not about a stupid wedding dress anymore (not that I don’t still want to look beautiful on my special day) but this has become about reclaiming my LIFE.

THAT’S what I’m all about right now. Reclaiming my life.

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