The battle continues….

I fell off the wagon about 1.5 weeks ago but got back on track yesterday. Unfortunately I somehow managed to gain about 20lbs back, and am just about where I started- again!

So frustrating. Wedding is in just under 8 months. So, I’ve upped my game. Instead of just talking about how I should go to the gym more, I’m actually going to the gym more. Going to get back up to 5-6 times a week. And last year I was going twice a day several days a week, so that’s in the back of my mind, too.

But, besides just wanting to look good in a wedding dress and of course trying to get healthier, I officially have baby fever. Big time.

I cannot have children on my own, so I’ve been looking into IVF and adoption- I’m really pulling for IVF. I’ll be 32 next year when we get married and then the following year (when I’m 33) we should be able to afford the treatment. But- besides the exorbitant cost- there’s a catch: I basically need to lose half my body weight. Half my body weight!!! Let that sink in…

To no longer be considered obese, I need a BMI under 30. Right now it’s 52.5. That’s a HUGE difference.

Current weight: 297
Goal weight: 150-170

170 lbs for my height (5’3″) is actually 30.1 BMI, but if I could get down to that, I think that will be acceptable to the Dr.

So I’m looking at losing up to 150 lbs basically. Half of what I weigh. Which is sad and disgusting that I need to lose a whole person- and an overweight person at that!

So how am I doing this? What am I doing differently?

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Like Nike says, “Just do it”!

I’m also lowering calories back- which means I’ve started counting them again, as of yesterday. I know consistency is key and I do good for 3-6 weeks and then I fall off. So I know to expect temptation, especially with the upcoming holiday season. But I cannot afford to not lose this weight.

I want to be a mommy more than I can articulate. While we are open to- and still considering- adoption, I just want to be able to experience everything, including pregnancy, if at all possible. We would of course love our child just the same regardless, but it’s just something I want…

And if I truly want it as badly as I say I do, then I’m going to find a way to lose this weight.

I have great support, and I know I am capable of having will power, and I’m capable of doing this, I just have to do it.

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I have shared some of my weight-related struggles, but I don’t recall if I’ve shared that I was down about 60 lbs early last year. I was eating less, but not perfect (not clean) and I was crazy about going to the gym. 5-6 days/week, up to twice daily. I’m working to get back to that mindset. I may have been obsessing a little, but it was working. I was losing 10 lbs/mo on average.

When I started grad school I started slacking on exercise. Then as the stress grew, so did my waist line, thanks to stress eating and unhealthy choices. I’m not in school currently, though I am hoping to get into a different masters program at a different school this spring. Just waiting on my official GRE scores to be posted, so my application can be officially reviewed!

But, my point is, I CAN do this. I’ve done it. 60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at. Then 150-170 would seem soooo much more within reach.

I’m using diet pills again, too. Or I plan to… I have some leftover and took them the past two days. But tomorrow I have an appointment with my Dr to try and get a new prescription and get back on them. He was a little hesitant I think last time, because I’ve stopped and started using them. But I’m going to be honest and tell him that finances for the monthly prescription and office visit were part of the reason I wasn’t consistent taking them. Some friends are also concerned, and I had thought (after doing well for awhile) that I was over the hump and could do it on my own. But I can’t. I need help.

I’m still not looking into surgery or anything drastic. But I am looking to get a little obsessive over my weight again- over eating and exercising. I have to.

I have the best motivation in the world, I’ve got an amazing support system, and now I have to do the work.

Sometimes you just have to satisfy the craving

I have been struggling the past couple days and yesterday was actually over my cals for the first time since I started eating clean. Not because I ate anything bad, but just because I ate too much.

What I’ve been wanting was simple: chocolate. I’ve been craving chocolate for days now. But that’s led to wanting to eat off plan in general. It’s been rough, for the first time since switching over to clean eating.

Last night I resisted the urge to buy chocolate and just ate extra salad and veggies. But, that didn’t satisfy my craving at all and just added calories I didn’t need or even want.

So, on my way home today, I went by Publix. I bought chocolate fruit dip and chocolate covered almonds. I also bought off plan by buying breaded chicken and fish- oh, and yogurt.

I am figuring that I should not gain by eating this food in proportion and keeping up with all my other good habits. I will not do this all the time, maybe once a month- at the most.

I’ve got to be able to maintain what I’m doing long term- this is a lifelong change. I’m not perfect or where I want to be yet, but I’m working on it. I didn’t get any potatoes or cheese or anything like that. So I don’t feel like I am going on some kind of binge or something.

I’m definitely not eating fast food (and I’ve been wanting ice cream and avoided buying that). I’m still trying to be smart in my choices.

I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. Would I have rather just ignored the cravings and stayed 100% on track? Of course. But am I going to stress the fact that I ate 9 chocolate covered almonds before I had my veg tonight? Nope…. Ok, well, I’m sure going to try not to anyway.

I’m not quitting or falling off the bandwagon. I’m still trying to make better choices and eat clean. But instead of continuing to eat a bunch of other stuff I didn’t really want, and risk going into a binge or downward spiral because I kept denying myself something, I decided that sometimes you just have to satisfy that craving.

I guess we’ll find out how this works out for me soon enough!

Pay no attention to the scale

My scale struggle continues…. After being down 8 lbs, my scale showed me up 7 when I weighed a few days later. I replaced the batteries and I don’t move my scale, it sits on tile in the same spot, so I can’t figure out why such discrepancies. I have still been eating clean and doing really well on calories, plus I’m fitting into a couple bottoms that I previously couldn’t wear. So, I know I’m not gaining. But what is going on?!

I told this to my trainer yesterday and how frustrated I am, and she told me not to stress the scale. I’m seeing results, so that should confirm I am on the right track.

Yet I’m totally hung up on those stupid 3-digits! I’m doing everything right, and I should really see the scale continuing to drop consistently. Why are those three little numbers so important, when I know for sure I’m seeing results? You can’t fake fitting into clothes- well, to a point i suppose, but there was a definite difference.

I went ahead and bought a new scale yesterday. Going to set it up tonight and get a new base weight reading. I have to have somewhere to start. Then I can see week over week if I’m truly losing weight. I have to be…

It’s getting to the point where it’s getting harder. The newness of a new eating plan is wearing thin, and nows the make it or break it time period. This is where I messed up when I first started. I cannot afford to go backwards anymore. At all.

I think if I saw the results on the scale, it would help motivate me. Instead I’m just frustrated and obsessing. I’m trying to concentrate on he tangible wins, but I’m admittedly struggling a little. I need to learn to care less what the scale says and more about how I feel— which is still amazing.

I’m doing all the right things. If I keep this up, results are sure to follow. In the interim, I need to let go of being so controlled by the scale.

Sunday Funday

My idea of sunday Funday is having a cleaning spree and prepping meals for the week! I got up and went to Publix and back before 830 am and then had some breakfast before I started my clean spree.

I’ve cleaned and sanitized most of the kitchen, washed a load of dishes and am on my third load of laundry. I’ve also cleaned the half bath downstairs. Oh- and I cooked my chicken for the week, so I can start prepping my meals in a few minutes.

Right now I’m feeling lazy, so I figured I’d take a moment to write. At least I’m still being semi-productive while sitting on the couch (waiting for the caffeine to kick in!).

I’m having a good weekend so far. Except that I stepped on the scale this am. It was around 9-930a, with light clothes on, but I was somehow up 7lbs. I know that isn’t right. I’ve been eating right and doing really well and clothes are stating to fit which haven’t.

So, I’m breaking down and buying a new scale tonight. I know I’m making progress, but I need to see the results accurately on the scale, too.

But otherwise I’m feeling really positive still! Things are going great, and I’m doing all the right things. Life is very good!

I guess I should get up and finish prepping my meals and making my house sparkling clean! Hope you are having a great weekend as well!

Treating yourself

It’s funny how your definitions of things change. Even just a few weeks ago, if you’d ask me what it meant to “treat myself” I’d probably have said something like eating out (the most awful food of course- not a nice healthy dinner out) or having a piece of cake, or glass (ok- bottle) of wine.

Now, tonight, as I sit here eating my protein and veg packed salad, I thought to myself that I treated myself by having some black olives on the salad. I also had a little dressing (tried buying a “healthier” option) so really, that’s a treat too. I also think it’s a bit of a treat to eat a handful of nuts (almonds- of course no salt or anything, just plain almonds). I know nuts are high in fat, but it’s the “good” fat, and I enjoy having some most days.

A few weeks ago, let alone in the years past, I never would have thought of any kind of salad as a treat! Olives are a yummy snack and great on some pizza- pizza might be a treat, but not just the olives!

I really feel quite encouraged when I notice these little changes in my thinking. Because that’s really where the problem lies- in my thinking.

I used to have such negative thoughts around food. I hated it and loved it at the same time, but it created so much stress and guilt and anxiety.

Now eating actually makes me happy- perhaps for the first time in my life.

I know I’ve mentioned when I was younger, I used to be bulimic. Eating was a constant battle and i struggled and obsessed with food literally constantly. Then around the time I stopped purging is when my bad eating habits first started to become a big problem (lots of fast food, junk, etc). It made me feel so shameful after I “indulged”. I hated myself and I hated food.

To turn that around and eat to fuel my body and get nutrients and to feel so amazing, it’s 180 degrees different from where I was for so many years. Years and years and years I wasted.

It’s really been life changing, even though it’s only been a few weeks now. I feel so different in so many ways. I feel more alert (and am taking significantly less caffeine) and I just feel “good”. I think I said before I didn’t know o felt “bad” before, but the improvement in my mood and disposition and just in general is very noticeable.

It’s nice to know I can still treat myself in my new lifestyle, and do it in a way that really makes me feel good. I truly enjoy it- I’m not sitting there beating myself up afterwards.

I hope you find a way to treat yourself today!

To drink or not to drink…

Saturday night I’m supposed to go out with friends for a balls to the wall kinda night. Which, I was super excited about and looking forward to… Until my trainer asked me this morning what my plans were for the weekend.

My face soured and she was like, uh oh- what are doing? So I told her the plan. I should also mention I loooove a good night of drinking with friends. We planned on getting hotels too, so everyone could crash safely and we could all freely enjoy ourselves.

So we talked about some possible options (vodka and sprite zero, if they had it or vodka and soda water with crystal light). Shortly after I got to work, I made a decision: I’m not drinking. At all.

My trainer was 110% right when she said one drink turns to two which turns into…. You know. I also had a really great week and am 3 weeks into eating clean. I’ve done really well, I feel amazing, and my trainer said she could tell by how I looked (less puffy eyes and glowing skin) that I had a really good week. Im also down that 8lbs, which is nothing to sneeze at.

So- no drinky drink for me! I’m kinda bummed, and while I know it’s possible, I’ve never been one of those who can still have fun while others drink. But- I’m going to try something new this weekend!

At first I thought about just canceling and not going at all. It would be easier- no temptation. But why should I shy away from friends and having fun just because I’m eating well and making healthy choices? Surely I can not drink for one evening.

So- that’s the plan for this weekend! This way Sunday won’t be wasted on a hangover either! I have things to do!

Twice as nice

Yesterday I weighed myself, and could not believe what the scale said was accurate. It said I was down 10lbs in under a week. So, I resisted the weigh-day Wednesday posts and re-weighed myself again this morning: I settled with 8lbs down! I guess the second time is the charm this week!

Start weight: 299
Current weight: 280

I was back around 299 after the cruise. I am really down 19 lbs in a matter of weeks. I’m attributing it all to changing to clean eating 3 weeks ago.

Seeing the scale move is great, especially the progress I’ve made the past 2-3 weeks, but what’s even better is that I wore an old pair of pants yesterday, in a size I hadn’t been able to fit into. Now that’s progress! Something tangible, I can feel.

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I really feel like clean eating is a life changer for me. It’s bigger than just the food.

I’m learning that I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to try my best. Make the best decision I can at the time, and then work to do better. When I do eat something that isn’t “clean eating approved” I don’t feel guilt or shame, which is a huge change for me. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything that will screw up my diet.

I’m using Splenda still, after trying to flavor water with fruit. It’s not quite the same and I decided it was ok to use Splenda for a little while. Right now, for where I am, Splenda helps me get in my gallon of water a day. That’s more important to me. I eventually do want to cut it out, but it’s ok for me to use it for now.

So I feel 110% fine with the choices I have made the last three weeks and that’s a really good feeling. I feel like I’m constantly eating, yet it’s ok. I’ve never experienced that before.

There was always so much guilt and shame around food for me. Now I’m eating to nourish my body, and I feel absolutely amazing, and mentally that struggle is just nonexistent now.

It’s like this giant weight has been lifted off me. I never knew eating could be so stress free. It’s really remarkable.

I’m so happy where I am right now. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m getting there. I’m confident I will get there.

I don’t know the exact magic number or size I’ll be at for my wedding, but I do know it will be a world away from where I am today. I’m so excited to continue on this journey and see how far I can go.