The battle continues….

I fell off the wagon about 1.5 weeks ago but got back on track yesterday. Unfortunately I somehow managed to gain about 20lbs back, and am just about where I started- again!

So frustrating. Wedding is in just under 8 months. So, I’ve upped my game. Instead of just talking about how I should go to the gym more, I’m actually going to the gym more. Going to get back up to 5-6 times a week. And last year I was going twice a day several days a week, so that’s in the back of my mind, too.

But, besides just wanting to look good in a wedding dress and of course trying to get healthier, I officially have baby fever. Big time.

I cannot have children on my own, so I’ve been looking into IVF and adoption- I’m really pulling for IVF. I’ll be 32 next year when we get married and then the following year (when I’m 33) we should be able to afford the treatment. But- besides the exorbitant cost- there’s a catch: I basically need to lose half my body weight. Half my body weight!!! Let that sink in…

To no longer be considered obese, I need a BMI under 30. Right now it’s 52.5. That’s a HUGE difference.

Current weight: 297
Goal weight: 150-170

170 lbs for my height (5’3″) is actually 30.1 BMI, but if I could get down to that, I think that will be acceptable to the Dr.

So I’m looking at losing up to 150 lbs basically. Half of what I weigh. Which is sad and disgusting that I need to lose a whole person- and an overweight person at that!

So how am I doing this? What am I doing differently?

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Like Nike says, “Just do it”!

I’m also lowering calories back- which means I’ve started counting them again, as of yesterday. I know consistency is key and I do good for 3-6 weeks and then I fall off. So I know to expect temptation, especially with the upcoming holiday season. But I cannot afford to not lose this weight.

I want to be a mommy more than I can articulate. While we are open to- and still considering- adoption, I just want to be able to experience everything, including pregnancy, if at all possible. We would of course love our child just the same regardless, but it’s just something I want…

And if I truly want it as badly as I say I do, then I’m going to find a way to lose this weight.

I have great support, and I know I am capable of having will power, and I’m capable of doing this, I just have to do it.

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I have shared some of my weight-related struggles, but I don’t recall if I’ve shared that I was down about 60 lbs early last year. I was eating less, but not perfect (not clean) and I was crazy about going to the gym. 5-6 days/week, up to twice daily. I’m working to get back to that mindset. I may have been obsessing a little, but it was working. I was losing 10 lbs/mo on average.

When I started grad school I started slacking on exercise. Then as the stress grew, so did my waist line, thanks to stress eating and unhealthy choices. I’m not in school currently, though I am hoping to get into a different masters program at a different school this spring. Just waiting on my official GRE scores to be posted, so my application can be officially reviewed!

But, my point is, I CAN do this. I’ve done it. 60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at. Then 150-170 would seem soooo much more within reach.

I’m using diet pills again, too. Or I plan to… I have some leftover and took them the past two days. But tomorrow I have an appointment with my Dr to try and get a new prescription and get back on them. He was a little hesitant I think last time, because I’ve stopped and started using them. But I’m going to be honest and tell him that finances for the monthly prescription and office visit were part of the reason I wasn’t consistent taking them. Some friends are also concerned, and I had thought (after doing well for awhile) that I was over the hump and could do it on my own. But I can’t. I need help.

I’m still not looking into surgery or anything drastic. But I am looking to get a little obsessive over my weight again- over eating and exercising. I have to.

I have the best motivation in the world, I’ve got an amazing support system, and now I have to do the work.

2 thoughts on “The battle continues….

  1. If you have to be obsessive about something, you picked a good thing. Keep going. I’m thinking of doing 30 day fitness challenges (a new one every month) so that A) I get in a minimum, and B) I have enough change and suspense to keep it interesting. (The suspense is in the “I’m expected to what? Is that possible?”)

    Maybe you just need to switch things up every now and then in order to stay excited

    • I agree i do need to try and change things up, thats a great idea! And yes, i obsess in general over practically everything so i need to funnel that all into focusing on weight loss!

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