Finally breaking my silence. I’ve been on track and off track and on and off. Now I’m back on.
My trainer and I had a good talk this am while I was working out and she actually recommended therapy for me. So I called and I’m going to see a therapist on Thursday.
There has to be a root cause for why I turn to food. Whether I’m happy, sad, bored, whatever, I always reach for food.
I was talking to a friend last week and said it felt like I was trying to fill a void. I need to understand what that void is.
I didn’t just gain some weight, this has been a lifelong battle for me, and I’ve always been overweight or close to it. Even as a small child. The only time I maintained my weight as a teenager and into my early 20s was through unhealthy means.
I’ve never had just a normal relationship with food. There has to be something deeper going on here and I’ve got to figure out what it is if I’m ever going to be successful in getting and keeping this weight off.
Part of it I think is eating my feelings. So, as much as I absolutely hate to sit and think on how I feel, I’m trying to be a little more aware of my feelings. I talked to our insurance health line and they want me to start journaling when I eat and how I was feeling. Blah. That does not sound like fun, but I’m going to give it s try.
I’m getting desperate and more and more unhappy carrying all this extra weight around.
So- I’m starting here. Tonight, after j finally stopped running, running, running from my day, I noticed I was feeling a little sad. Like I could even cry, if I let myself. I have no idea why.
Nothing especially bad happened today. It was a totally normal day, perhaps a little busy.
I felt overwhelmed and stressed at work, which is nothing new. I went to the gym before work, which is good, and I did ok eating today. I skipped dinner, which isn’t the best; but it happens. I ate around 1000 cals today, as I had a highly caloric Caesar salad with lunch. But, overall I’m under goal and don’t feel deprived.
Had a lunch mtg and a mtg after work, got some stuff done, so why am I blue?
I also don’t like feeling emotions. I just prefer to pretend they don’t exist and pull myself back together. Why the avoidance?
I’m a little scared of going back into therapy. Especially to focus on eating this time, as opposed to other issues.
I want to fix whatever is wrong with me but at the same time that terrifies me. I feel a bit like I’m going to be opening Pandora’s box and I do not have time to lose my shit.
I have a million things to do and the only way they are getting done is to keep everything together. I feel a bit like I’m running and am inevitably going to crash and burn, but I’m not sure why I feel that way either.
I wonder if other people know why they feel the way they do? Is it normal to not know what is causing you to feel a certain way?
Is this all nonsense or is there something to this line of thinking? Right now, it’s anybody’s guess…