Sitting in the surgeons office

A million things are running through my head. Like, I should have gotten the surgery when it was approved earlier this year. What if I missed m chance? How did I let myself get this fat? Looking at charts and letting is sink in that I am more than morbidly obese. How disgusting is that? I’m just like those people you see on TV that go for surgery. I never thought I would be in this position, yet I was always worried I would.

Back in grade school, I remember seeing this heavy girl, a year older than me. I literally prayed I never weighed that much one day… Yet here I am.

I have to make a lasting lifestyle change and get my eating and thereby my weight under control. I can’t keep living like this. It’s not even living, it’s hiding and surviving.

I’m tired of feeling the way I feel and looking the way I look and being limited in what I can do. I’m tired of being scared of breaking a chair or wondering if I can fit in a chair.

It’s an awful space to be trapped in, and I’ve got to do whatever it takes to reclaim my life and my freedom.

I could cry right now, which is not a good thing. I’m just so sick of being like this. I can’t believe how bad this really is.

I think I’ve decided I want to pursue surgery… I still need to talk to the surgeon, hear what he has to say, but I’ve tried a million times on my own and always failed. I’ve got to do something different and face my fears and shed this weight. There’s so much life ahead of me still, and I want to be an active participant and not a bystander.

Slowly but surely

I haven’t decided one way or another about having weight loss surgery, but I do have an appointment, to get more information, the week of christmas.

In the meantime, I am doing the best I can to make healthy choices. I’m down a few lbs since last week, though I need to weigh again, after the weekend.

I did eat off plan a little this weekend, but it was minor (angel food cake with berries). Other than that, I did quite well, especially for a weekend.

I have not gone to the gym in a couple weeks though and the longer I wait, the more intimidated I become. There’s only one way to fix that, but I haven’t yet talked myself into going… I’m super self conscious, even more so now that it’s “resolution” time and I know regulars at the gym hate resolution people.

Maybe I will cancel my membership and just start walking my dog more? He would love that… Until I get more comfortable about going? I’m not sure…

So many things up in the air, but I’m trying just to chug along…

Having it all

I’ve been vehemently told that “you can’t have everything you want in life”… I’ve decided to use that as motivation, to get exactly what I want: everything.

I’ve never believed in settling- for anything. I never settled in a relationship, which led to many lonely and frustrating and quite tiring years. I’ve never stopped working towards what I want at work- it still feels so far away, but my loving fiancĂ© reminded me today that I’m close- and I am. I’m not saying it’s going to happen in the timeframe I want it to, but, I do think it’s going to happen. So why would I settle for less than living a healthy life?

My weight has always been my Achilles heel. The one thing i could never control- though I’ve certainly tried. Control. What a problem that has been for me. It’s lead me down some dark roads.

But now I’m passed those times, and I’m deserving of good health. I’m not looking to be a size zero, I just want to be a healthy weight. Why would I ever give up on working towards this goal?

If I truly believe that you can have it all in life, that includes being healthy and happy. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my whole life. I feel so blessed and there are good things to come.

I’m not giving up on this battle. I’m not 100% if I’m going to have the surgery or not, but I’m still looking in to the possibility. I have to do what’s right for me, regardless of what others may think.

I wanted to be able to do it on my own, but since when is asking for help when you need it a bad thing? Some people will judge. But, as long as I am comfortable with my decision, that’s all that matters.

I’m going to get every single thing I want out of life- or at least die trying.

Going for broke

I’m definitely feeling increasingly desperate about my situation. I so much wanted to do this on my own, and while I’ve had some successes, the set backs equal them out.

I’m reconsidering having weight loss surgery, specifically a sleeve gastrectomy. Even thinking about having the surgery freaks me out.

I have friends who think I should, and friends who think I shouldn’t, but ultimately I have to make the decision. I have some calls in, to look into potentially going through with this.

Some of you may remember I had my lapband removed in January and had actually had surgery scheduled over the summer for the sleeve. I was scared and decided against it, which is when I started this blog. I wanted to get serious and lose the weight for the wedding but more importantly for my health and the rest of my life.

Well, I’m back right about where i started. Which is ultimately a failure.

I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried very hard to do this on my own (more than once, not just since starting this blog) and I’ve failed time after time. I promised myself I would never let myself get to a certain weight again, and here I am.

I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I’ve accomplished many things in my life, but I’ve never been able to sustain a healthy weight.

I’ve continued to balloon up over the years. There have been ups and downs, but the trend is an ever-expanding waistline.

I’m truly feeling quite desperate and beside myself and also quite alone.

I don’t know what to do, but I’m seeing what my options are for surgery. It’s just scares me to death. But so does potentially weighing 500 lbs one day.

I was always overweight. I *never* thought I would be on of “those” people, though. But I’m pretty much there. I am terrified of continuing to gain as the years go by. I don’t know how to control this or what else to try.

Right now I’m just trying to keep it together and not have a complete meltdown…