A million things are running through my head. Like, I should have gotten the surgery when it was approved earlier this year. What if I missed m chance? How did I let myself get this fat? Looking at charts and letting is sink in that I am more than morbidly obese. How disgusting is that? I’m just like those people you see on TV that go for surgery. I never thought I would be in this position, yet I was always worried I would.
Back in grade school, I remember seeing this heavy girl, a year older than me. I literally prayed I never weighed that much one day… Yet here I am.
I have to make a lasting lifestyle change and get my eating and thereby my weight under control. I can’t keep living like this. It’s not even living, it’s hiding and surviving.
I’m tired of feeling the way I feel and looking the way I look and being limited in what I can do. I’m tired of being scared of breaking a chair or wondering if I can fit in a chair.
It’s an awful space to be trapped in, and I’ve got to do whatever it takes to reclaim my life and my freedom.
I could cry right now, which is not a good thing. I’m just so sick of being like this. I can’t believe how bad this really is.
I think I’ve decided I want to pursue surgery… I still need to talk to the surgeon, hear what he has to say, but I’ve tried a million times on my own and always failed. I’ve got to do something different and face my fears and shed this weight. There’s so much life ahead of me still, and I want to be an active participant and not a bystander.