New Direction

According to the scale at the surgeons office, I am officially one pound over my highest weight ever. My all-time, earth-shattering, lapband-propelling, highest weight.

Today, I weighed 310 lbs. That is something I never thought would happen in the first place, and after topping out at 309 in 2012, I decided to get the lapband and started a journey.

Today, I am on a new journey. Not the end all, be all journey for everyone, but one I think is necessary for me.

This morning I had my first weight management appt, to talk about life after the sleeve. There was an insane amount of information packed in an hour or so. It’s an entirely new way of looking at food.

And, inevitably, there will be haters and naysayers. That’s something I really have to work on accepting and just getting over and letting it go. I can’t change how people treat me or what they say, all I can change is how I react, right?

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That’s going to be hard. And people don’t understand a bariatric lifestyle. It’s not eating like a normal person would eat. It’s not about getting in fruits and veg, its main focus is protein. It’s not counting calories, it’s following a protein to calorie ratio. It’s not how YOU may eat, or what may be healthy for “YOU”, but it’s what is going to work for me.

I think that’s so frustrating. Some people think they know it all and have all the answers and understand being super morbidly obese. You don’t. You don’t understand my struggle, for one, and you don’t know what the right path is for me. I wish more people would respect your journey, regardless of what you choose. You have to do what is right for you. No one else can decide that for you.

So, I’m excited about hopefully getting surgery re-approved. I went to the grocer tonight and got my new food staples. I still got some fruit, because I did really enjoy clean eating, and for now I’m focusing on getting into the habit of eating 6 times a day. Im not trying to eat as if I had surgery yet, which was huge for me. I had been trying to do super low cals and eat as if. But the nutritionist told me today that it’s not like after surgery. I still have a full stomach, and probably way too much ghrelin (the “hunger hormone”). So it’s not feasible and I shouldn’t feel bad about not being able to eat so low right now.

But what I can do is cut out all soda immediately, start following my 10-to-1 calorie to protein ratio guidelines and making the kind of choices I will make after surgery. Right now I’ll be eating more, but that’s ok. I’m starting new habits. I’m going to have to eat like clockwork the rest of my life. And take vitamins. And I can start doing all those things now.

I’ve also got to get back to walking. It’s definitely a priority. I was disappointed I didn’t make time to walk tonight, but I have no excuse not to walk tomorrow. I’ll have to start small again, and build up to it, but I need to accept that where I am now is ok, too. Everyone has to have a starting point.

I’ll be posting new pics, as I’m definitely a higher weight than I was over the summer. I’m also going to work on blogging more often, because 1) it gets things out of my head, and 2) i gain so much support from all of you who read my blog!

I’m learning to be more positive about my new journey, and I’m working on accepting where I am. I think it’s the only way I’m going to be able to get to where I want to be.

Someone recently told me I need to be as compassionate to myself as I would be to anyone else. Isn’t that the truth? There’s enough things that happen in life to beat us down. We don’t need to add to it. I know that I would never be as harsh or critical of a friend of mine as I am of myself. That has to change.

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