Mourning loss of food

I think I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but now that I’m coming up on week 3 post-op, I’m really struggling with the loss of food. 

I just started eating puréed foods, which includes egg and tuna. I feel like I can eat way less of these foods than I could of soup. I’m beyond sick of soup, by the way. But, I love eggs and I don’t usually like tuna, but it’s tons of protein, and it was actually pretty ok. I’m also just food deprived lol. 

But, I want to eat more than I can. It seemed a little easier to throw away excess soup I couldn’t eat. Now that I’m eating more solid foods, I *want* to eat more. I want to feel satisfied– but it’s in my mind. My body is full now, and that’s all I can eat. Literally. Just a few little bites. But, in my head it’s not enough. 

There’s a disconnect between my mind and my body now. I guess maybe there always has been, because to me, being satisfied, was eating way too much. I didn’t need that much food, I just wanted it on an emotional level. Now that I can’t have it, it makes me feel sad. 

I know I have to figure this out, in order to be successful. It actually scares me a little bit. I don’t want to screw this up, and I’m so worried I’m going to fail at this. 

I am only down 3 lbs this week, which is on track for losing 10lbs/mo, which is what I can expect to lose. But, it worries me that the weight loss has slowed down. I know I’m still losing, and should be happy, but I’m not. 

So, overall I’m just struggling a bit today with this new lifestyle. I know this was to be expected, but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

30 lbs down

To really get an idea of how much 30 lbs of fat is, I googled those 5lbs of fat pictures. So, I had 6 of those in my body that are no longer there, after just 3 short weeks (all on clear liquids, hence the quick drop).

IMG_6703

That’s a tremendous amount of fat to be down, and makes me feel a lot more accomplished than just saying “30lbs”. I don’t see a difference yet– not enough, anyway.

My feet and ankles are no longer swelling and my ankles are smaller than they have been in general. I think my face is a little less puffy too. But, even after losing 30 lbs, I’m just so heavy, it’s not really noticeable. But, my jeans do feel looser, which is a good thing.

I’m hoping at 50 lbs down it will be more noticeable. My previous goal was to be down 50 lbs by the wedding. Given how much I’ve lost the past 3 weeks, I’ve adjusted that goal to 70 lbs down by the wedding. I’m already down 30, I just have to lose 10lbs/mo the next 4 months, which should be completely attainable.

I can’t wait to see where I end up and to start getting my life back. I’m already making plans of what I can start doing. Right now I’m just praying I lose enough to only need one seat on our honeymoon flights. I’m still nervous about that, but feeling a little more optimistic.

I’ve also started using my fitbit again, as of today. Granted, I’m not being very active right now, as I’m still recovering, but I figured it would be good to get back in the habit. And I am trying to be more active around the house, while I’m stuck here. Which, I’m supposed to be doing.

I picked my dog up from my dads Yesterday, and today we’ve gone for two short walks so far. I had gotten to where I would only take him outside near our house. Now we’re going around one street over. This morning I overdid it a little. I went for a walk, unloaded the dishwasher (slooooowly), and threw in a load of laundry. Then, after only being up a couple hours, I was exhausted and passed out for 2.5 hrs. It was a little too much, too soon.

I did switch to full liquids today (creamy soups and even fudgesicles)! That’s been pretty exciting for me. I’m also getting hungrier and eating closer to 4oz per meal, instead of 2oz. Progressing just like I should be.

So all is going well! I’m happy to be down so much so quickly, and I know the rapid weight loss won’t last. Not that much. But I’m trying to keep very realistic goals, and the fact that I could be under 250 for my wedding is awesome. It’s been a long time…

2 days post-op

I ended up losing 20 lbs in the 2 weeks pre-op. I was 316lbs the week before the pre-op diet started, though the highest weight I have a picture of is 310 lbs. Not a lot of noticeable change in these photos, which is sad I can lose 14 lbs and it’s not noticeable in pictures.

IMG_6694

But, it’s still a start and I wanted to post some Progress pics.

I’m now 2 days post-op. I was discharged yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, I could not tolerate the liquid pain meds they gave me, so I was in an awful lot of pain last night and barely slept again. I didn’t get hardly any sleep in the hospital either. Until about 3 hours ago I was extremely sore.

I finally got pain pills, and I cut them in half and took them, and magically I feel about a million times better. It’s amazing how much that little pill helps. I also ate some sugar free jello: 3 spoonfuls, which is the most I’ve eaten since surgery. I also finally slept for more than an hour at a time, which has also helped me feel a bunch better.

I haven’t been walking as much as I was supposed to be (helps prevent blood clots) but I think it was because I was in so much pain. I’m going to try to do the 5-10 min every hour-1.5 hours, like I’m supposed to now.

My beloved puppy, Rory, is getting a little vacation at my dads house. I really miss him, but I think it’s best he isn’t here. He loves to pounce on mommy’s tummy, and the Dr said to definitely not chance that for 2 weeks, then discuss at 2-week post-op appt. I miss him terribly, but I also can’t imagine the pain he would cause pouncing nor can I risk the possible internal damage. And my dad has been sending me photos of the little munchkin.

I guess that’s all I have to report for now. Feeling a lot more optimistic, now that I am in less pain. I’ve never been in so much pain after a surgery, but this is also the most major surgery I’ve ever had. Not really hungry, but it’s time to try and eat a little more jello. Trying to keep to a schedule, like how I should be eating every 3 hours for the rest of my life. Right now I can only eat about 2oz, which is about 4 tablespoons.

Onward and upward… This is just the beginning.

Down 18 lbs in 11 days pre-op

It’s day 13 of the pre-op diet. The last 2 days! I didn’t weigh the last 2 mornings, but I did just weigh now (it’s evening, with clothes on) and I still weigh the same. I was down 18 lbs in the first 11 days of the pre-op diet.

I’m finally back under 300lbs. I had topped out at 316 the week before the liquid diet. I am now 298. I know now that I’m truly capable of never going back there. I never want to know that weight again. It was awful.

I am happy that the scale is finally moving in the right direction. But the pre-op diet isn’t really about the weight loss, the point is to shrink your liver so surgery is safer and can be done laparoscopic. Otherwise they may have to cut a humungous incision from the belly button to Breast bone, which would be utterly painful and awful. Not to mention forever ugly. I’m praying my liver has shrunk enough. It’s hard not knowing.

Knowing you have 150lbs to lose is daunting. But, actually seeing consistent weight loss, even pre-op is so encouraging. If I listen and do everything they tell me to, I know I can be successful. It’s going to come off quickly (I hope). I really hope the pre-op diet is an indication that the weight is ready to come off.

I know it won’t come off that quickly, once I’m back on solids. But, it should still be consistent. Post-surgery I’ll still be on a clear liquid diet for week 1. Week 2 is full liquids (so milk based soups- yay!). Week 3-4 is puréed- at this point I will actually be able to eat eggs (I use egg beaters) and Greek yogurt. I cannot wait til weeks 3-4 lol. Then week 5 begins a regular bariatric diet. So, including the 2 week pre-op diet, that means I will be off true solids for 6 weeks. I have to lose a decent amount in that time. I hope.

Especially since at first, due to swelling, I can expect to eat only 2oz at a time (that is roughly 4 tablespoons). That’s truly a small amount of food. And we’re talking liquids at first, so the weight should melt off.

I hope I’m not getting too amped up about this, because I don’t want to be disappointed.

I’m still keeping my realistic goal of losing 10lbs/mo. Of course I’m going to try to beat that number, though. You can lose the most in the first 6 months, and I’ve got 4 months until my wedding, so I’m really going to try and kill it.

They say the first year is your “golden opportunity”. You’ll never lose weight as quickly or easily as you do in that first year. My goal is to be down 100lbs in the first year. 100 lbs down. I would be under 200 lbs again! It’s been so long…

Part of me can’t even imagine it right now and the other part of me can’t wait. I am ready to take my life back.

Vector illustration of  pink bathroom scale with measuring tape

6 more days

Each day I seem to get to a point where I think “I can’t make it”. The week + day that I’ve been on the clear liquid diet has been rough. I know there’s a million harder things in the world, but for a +300lb fat girl to, on her own, eat nothing but clear liquids for two weeks is kind of a big deal. It’s definitely been a struggle.

I’ve thought about cheating a million times. My stomach is growling right now and I’ve already had two broths today, a sugar free jello and a sugar fee Popsicle. But I’m still starving. I want food. Real food. I want to chew something. I’ve thought a million times about going to McDonald’s, for instance. This weekend when we went out to dinner with his family to celebrate a few birthdays, I wanted t die. Smelling all that food, and seeing steak and chicken strips and fries and shrimp and everything else you could think of was killing me. But, I survived. So far, I’ve survived.

I can’t mess up now. I’ve come too far. The whole point of the clear liquids for two weeks is to shrink my liver and release some of the fat and sugar it’s holding on to. It makes the surgery a lot safer. I can’t jeopardize my surgery because I’m a fat ass and want to eat.

They said you could get emotional and moody. Well, I am. I hate feeling out of control of my emotions. After the surgery it’s only going to intensify, because that hormone will be gone and thins are changing rapidly. At first I wasn’t too worried, but I kind of am now. I don’t like feeling this way.

I know the next 1-2 years are going to be hard. But worth it. But hard. I have to relearn how to have a healthy relationship with food. But not by conventional standards. Bariatric lifestyles are totally different. And if I’m going to keep the weight off its truly got to be a lifelong thing. That’s hard.

I’m just feeling a bit down today, I guess. So much going on at once, and being hungry doesn’t help anything. But I’m not going to be like one of those people on TV. I’ve blown my chances in other things in my past, and I refuse to blow my chance on this. This is a chance at a brand new life. I’m only 32. I know I’m not in my 20s or something, but I’ve still got a good long life and some of the best years ahead of me. I want to be healthy enough to enjoy them.

Liquid diet: Day 3 of 14

I’m noticing today that I’m not so much physically hungry, yet I’m still dying to “eat”. So, it’s really just mental. I think overcoming the mental struggle may be the hardest thing I am facing.

I’ve been watching 3 episodes now of “My 600 lb life” on TLC. In one moment, I’m judging them, the next I feel 100% connected to them.

Things like, “I never thought I would be this size”, to mobility issues and not feeling deserving of love.

It’s different, because I know they are much larger than I am, but I feel so similar to their stories. I may not have the same or as extreme mobility issues as they do, but I can relate. And it scares me.

Seeing one lady go get a diet coke post surgery, I was like, what are you doing?!?! (Carbonation is a “never” after surgery). It angered me because I felt like she was wasting this amazing opportunity by doing something stupid that will stretch your pouch. But, then she said something else about food: she knew she was killing herself (by eating the awful food), but she couldn’t stop it.

If I could stop it, I wouldn’t be this size. I can’t stop eating either.

This next 12 days until surgery, and on a clear liquid diet, is really going to be a struggle. Mentally more so than anything. I’ve got to figure this out and take full advantage of this chance and make all necessary changes.

It’s scary to see real people, in similar situations, having similar procedures, and still see them struggle afterwards. It’s not magic. It’s a tool, I know I’ve said that before, but it’s really depending on me mentally getting on board. I know I can’t do certain things anymore. I think and hope I’ve really accepted that.

It’s definitely going to be a hard journey, but I’m going to do my best and I just hope I can really do this finally. I miss my life.