I’m noticing today that I’m not so much physically hungry, yet I’m still dying to “eat”. So, it’s really just mental. I think overcoming the mental struggle may be the hardest thing I am facing.
I’ve been watching 3 episodes now of “My 600 lb life” on TLC. In one moment, I’m judging them, the next I feel 100% connected to them.
Things like, “I never thought I would be this size”, to mobility issues and not feeling deserving of love.
It’s different, because I know they are much larger than I am, but I feel so similar to their stories. I may not have the same or as extreme mobility issues as they do, but I can relate. And it scares me.
Seeing one lady go get a diet coke post surgery, I was like, what are you doing?!?! (Carbonation is a “never” after surgery). It angered me because I felt like she was wasting this amazing opportunity by doing something stupid that will stretch your pouch. But, then she said something else about food: she knew she was killing herself (by eating the awful food), but she couldn’t stop it.
If I could stop it, I wouldn’t be this size. I can’t stop eating either.
This next 12 days until surgery, and on a clear liquid diet, is really going to be a struggle. Mentally more so than anything. I’ve got to figure this out and take full advantage of this chance and make all necessary changes.
It’s scary to see real people, in similar situations, having similar procedures, and still see them struggle afterwards. It’s not magic. It’s a tool, I know I’ve said that before, but it’s really depending on me mentally getting on board. I know I can’t do certain things anymore. I think and hope I’ve really accepted that.
It’s definitely going to be a hard journey, but I’m going to do my best and I just hope I can really do this finally. I miss my life.