Each day I seem to get to a point where I think “I can’t make it”. The week + day that I’ve been on the clear liquid diet has been rough. I know there’s a million harder things in the world, but for a +300lb fat girl to, on her own, eat nothing but clear liquids for two weeks is kind of a big deal. It’s definitely been a struggle.
I’ve thought about cheating a million times. My stomach is growling right now and I’ve already had two broths today, a sugar free jello and a sugar fee Popsicle. But I’m still starving. I want food. Real food. I want to chew something. I’ve thought a million times about going to McDonald’s, for instance. This weekend when we went out to dinner with his family to celebrate a few birthdays, I wanted t die. Smelling all that food, and seeing steak and chicken strips and fries and shrimp and everything else you could think of was killing me. But, I survived. So far, I’ve survived.
I can’t mess up now. I’ve come too far. The whole point of the clear liquids for two weeks is to shrink my liver and release some of the fat and sugar it’s holding on to. It makes the surgery a lot safer. I can’t jeopardize my surgery because I’m a fat ass and want to eat.
They said you could get emotional and moody. Well, I am. I hate feeling out of control of my emotions. After the surgery it’s only going to intensify, because that hormone will be gone and thins are changing rapidly. At first I wasn’t too worried, but I kind of am now. I don’t like feeling this way.
I know the next 1-2 years are going to be hard. But worth it. But hard. I have to relearn how to have a healthy relationship with food. But not by conventional standards. Bariatric lifestyles are totally different. And if I’m going to keep the weight off its truly got to be a lifelong thing. That’s hard.
I’m just feeling a bit down today, I guess. So much going on at once, and being hungry doesn’t help anything. But I’m not going to be like one of those people on TV. I’ve blown my chances in other things in my past, and I refuse to blow my chance on this. This is a chance at a brand new life. I’m only 32. I know I’m not in my 20s or something, but I’ve still got a good long life and some of the best years ahead of me. I want to be healthy enough to enjoy them.