Losing weight and making the right choices are a moment by moment struggle for me some days.
I’m +60 lbs down, with 120lbs to go. I was (am) morbidly obese. I got into this situation because of my issues with food.
I’ve never been a normal weight my entire life. In 3rd grade a classmate made up a song about how fat I was, which I still remember to this day. Actually, it was how ugly AND fat I was.
In high school, I lost weight and was the closest I’ve ever been to a “normal” BMI. But, for high school, that was still super fat. I’ve always been the fat girl.
The lowest I ever got was 135lbs (I am only 5’3″) and that was in high school. Size 10– still double digits and very “HS fat”. It also didn’t last long. I couldn’t maintain.
I’ve never been able to maintain by being healthy. From about 12-21/22 I was bulimic. It took me a long time to be able to say that. That was how I got to 135 lbs. that’s how I mostly stayed around 150-160lbs. I’ve never known how to just eat like you’re supposed. I’ve always binged, purged. After I quit purging (lots of therapy), I never learned how to quit binging.
I’ve had two weight loss surgeries and feel like a complete failure. The lapband gave me nothing but issues, so I revised to sleeve. I’m down less than 70lbs in a year. That is not considered successful.
I’m going to my one year follow up with the surgeon on February 16th (one year, to the day) and today I almost threw up I was so stressed about going to see him.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I cannot consistently follow an appropriate eating plan. To be honest, I wish sometimes I could be bulimic again. Or anorexic. Tried that for awhile, but then I finally was successful at making myself purge and food is way better than no food. Although I still used to go days without eating. Now I try to do liquids to reset, and I can’t last a day.
It’s disgusting and pathetic. I’m disgusting and pathetic.
If I eat on track, and exercise, I lose weight. It’s not hard!!! Yet, it feels like the absolute hardest thing in the world for me!!!!
I don’t know how to overcome this. I’m literally at a loss. I do not want to be this fat, obese person the rest of my life. I’m tired of struggling and I’m tired of fighting every single day.