Moment by moment 

Losing weight and making the right choices are a moment by moment struggle for me some days. 

I’m +60 lbs down, with 120lbs to go. I was (am) morbidly obese. I got into this situation because of my issues with food. 

I’ve never been a normal weight my entire life. In 3rd grade a classmate made up a song about how fat I was, which I still remember to this day. Actually, it was how ugly AND fat I was. 

In high school, I lost weight and was the closest I’ve ever been to a “normal” BMI. But, for high school, that was still super fat. I’ve always been the fat girl. 

The lowest I ever got was 135lbs (I am only 5’3″) and that was in high school. Size 10– still double digits and very “HS fat”. It also didn’t last long. I couldn’t maintain. 

I’ve never been able to maintain by being healthy. From about 12-21/22 I was bulimic. It took me a long time to be able to say that. That was how I got to 135 lbs. that’s how I mostly stayed around 150-160lbs. I’ve never known how to just eat like you’re supposed. I’ve always binged, purged. After I quit purging (lots of therapy), I never learned how to quit binging. 

I’ve had two weight loss surgeries and feel like a complete failure. The lapband gave me nothing but issues, so I revised to sleeve. I’m down less than 70lbs in a year. That is not considered successful. 

I’m going to my one year follow up with the surgeon on February 16th (one year, to the day) and today I almost threw up I was so stressed about going to see him. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I cannot consistently follow an appropriate eating plan. To be honest, I wish sometimes I could be bulimic again. Or anorexic. Tried that for awhile, but then I finally was successful at making myself purge and food is way better than no food. Although I still used to go days without eating. Now I try to do liquids to reset, and I can’t last a day. 

It’s disgusting and pathetic. I’m disgusting and pathetic. 

If I eat on track, and exercise, I lose weight. It’s not hard!!! Yet, it feels like the absolute hardest thing in the world for me!!!! 

I don’t know how to overcome this. I’m literally at a loss. I do not want to be this fat, obese person the rest of my life. I’m tired of struggling and I’m tired of fighting every single day. 

10 thoughts on “Moment by moment 

  1. Your not disgusting and pathetic!!!! Pathetic is when someone knows they are out of shape and doesn’t have any drive to try and fix the problem !!! Your accepting the challenge and working twords a goal !!!! Your motivated !!

    • Thanks. I’m not feeling very motivated today but I refuse to give up. I’m scared to death I’ll never beat this though. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with a new attitude. Struggling quite a bit right now.

      • I was trying to “reset” by doing liquids, and progressing back to solid food, but I have eaten real food. Nothing bad, but solid food. So I think I may just try to eat according to plan and forget the liquid reset. Idk tho. I’ve also got to get back to walking and using my elliptical again too…

      • I could never just drink liquids how do you do that ?!? I was up at 200lbs after I had my son and I just came off active duty right before that so I was small like 120 pre baby. It took me forever to find something that really helped me start loosing some weight !!! I fell in love with the program and I’m still doing it I lost 11lbs in the past 8 days in a healthy way not those silly wrap things ! I would totally love to help you achieve your goals and motivate you through it !!!

      • That would be awesome!!! What did you do? I am doing better today. Eating right, working on getting my water in. Trying to take it one day at a time and not feel overwhelmed.

  2. Add me on Facebook if you have one its Brieyana Santana !!! And I run a program called the 21 day fix I’ll send you all the info about it so you can read through it !!!

  3. I’m so sorry you are have been facing this struggle for so long! I haven’t lost my weight yet so I can’t tell you what works but right now I feel comfortable with very tiny steps that I know I can change without freaking out. It has taken me two months, for instance to cut back on soda. I’m down to one 7 oz can a day and I have been losing weight in the process. I hope you find what works for you.

    • Thank you so much! I’m focusing on trying to eat “right” today and make better choices. Not go too drastic one way or another. But it’s still so hard. Making fish for dinner– one meal at a time. I wish you all the best too!!! I quit soda last year, then slipped back up for awhile, but now I haven’t had a soda since last summer. It will be worth it!!!! GL

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