Pre-Op Nutrition Class: Done!

Today I had my final class before surgery with the nutritionist at the Dr’s office! We are officially a “Go” for surgery!

As you may recall, I actually had a Lap-Band in like 2012, and removed in 2014. I also had the revisional surgery to convert to a sleeve approved last year (but never went through with it). So, I’m not exactly a total newbs when it comes to the whole weight loss surgery thing.

However, today’s class was pretty informative and I think very well done. There was ample time for questions, and we truly covered every detail from the pre-op diet, to the recovery diet the first month, to proceeding to our lasting bariatric diet, which is how we will live for the rest of our lives. We also went over exactly what will happen on surgery day, during the surgery, all potential (including very remote) complications, etc.

I feel very comfortable getting ready to go into this surgery. I feel as prepared as I can be, and that I really understand all facets of life with the sleeve, what to expect, etc. Now it’s just on me to do my part and use this amazing tool and finally get the weight off.

I thought I would have to wait until a month or so post-surgery before I could start exercising again, but in reality I can get on that treadmill as early as 2 weeks post-op. They say that your body will never lose weight as quickly or easily as it does that first year after surgery, so you really want to make the most of it. That means following the diet 110%, exercising, getting in your required protein every 3 hours, getting in your water every day, taking the bariatric vitamins, etc.

My original goal was to lose 50 lbs by the wedding. That is a very realistic goal, and I would feel so much better. I’d be down around 260. Potentially– I know it isn’t the norm— but, potentially, I could lose more than 50 lbs. The nutritionist lost like 70-75 lbs in her first 6 months after her sleeve gastrectomy. So… being such an “all or nothing” type girl, guess what my goal is? Yup… 100 lbs. Now- is that really feasible and realistic to expect? Nope, probably not.

But, if the first year is the easiest time in my whole life to ever get this weight off, and your body starts to reset itself to a new weight after the first year, you can bet I’m going to try like hell to lose as absolutely much weight as my body will possibly let me in the first year as possible. My “realistic” goal is to lose 100 lbs the first year. But, you can lose a tremendous amount of weight in the first 6 months… So, I’m going to try my hardest and see what happens.

I’m going to join a gym in March, and plan to start back to the gym (on the treadmill only) 2-3 weeks post-surgery. I need to give myself a goal, so it doesn’t just drag on, and I don’t get around to it, etc. So, by the time I’m well enough to go back to work, my ass is well enough to get to the gym.

They’re opening a new gym this February right at the corner by where I live. So, no excuses. I’ll literally be passing this place on the way to work and the way home from work every.single.day. My goal starting out will be to walk 3-5 times a week, and I want to work back up to 5-7 times a week. I was committed before, working out 6-7 days/week, 1-2/day. I’ve done it before, I’ve pushed myself and seen results (10lbs down/month) and I can do it again. Now I will have this amazing tool and my body will be in overdrive. I’m never getting a chance like this again the rest of my life, and I’m going to take full advantage of it.

Now, this means I literally need to forego pretty much all carbs for at least a year. Once your weight stabilizes, you can add carbs back in, in small amounts, in moderation. But, definitely for the first 12 months, carbs are a no-go and will slow down or even stop weight loss. Like she says, you know what bread tastes like. You can have it again. It’s not a “never again” but it should be a “not now” during that first 12 months. You will never have another opportunity like this, and is cheating with bread really worth it?

It’s a huge, huge, huge lifestyle change. A forever change. This isn’t some new diet I’m trying, that I’m going to quit in a month, or two months, or three… I can never quit this. For the rest of my life, I have to focus on getting in enough protein, while only eating very small amounts of food. I’ll never be able to eat a full meal again. Food has to become less of the focus, and less important in my life.

It’s overwhelming a little to even think about.

But, this is my chance to make a brand-new me, to get down to a weight I can be happier and healthier at, and one that won’t hold me back from living and enjoying my life. I’ve got to take full advantage of this opportunity and not screw it up and screw myself over.

I’m feeling really determined right now to follow though on all the guidelines and really commit to learning to live in a brand new, healthier way. I’m going all-in!

Surgery approved!

After about 3 weeks of waiting, I finally got an answer today on my pre-authorization request for bariatric surgery, and the answer was YES- Surgery is approved!

So thankful this is officially happening, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. This is a HUGE lifestyle change, and comes with risks. But, everything in life is a risk-reward evaluation, and the potential rewards for proceeding with surgery (to me) outweigh the potential risks and certain side effects.

I haven’t written in awhile, so I’ll give you a bunch of updates and try to bring you up to speed. I also just updated/added “pages” on my blog, so check them out, and keep checking back for the latest pics, etc!

I don’t think I told you how my first info class went… I found out that I will definitely have hair loss with surgery. I knew it was a potential side effect, but I found out it’s happening. For sure. Virtually everyone that undergoes sleeve surgery loses hair.

That freaked me out a little. I’m a typical girl, who’s rather attached to her (beautiful, long, blonde) hair.

I’ve been working SO hard to grow my hair out for the wedding. I’ve also been killing myself to keep it blonde, which is really a lot of upkeep for a naturally dark brunette. To keep it from getting brassy, from breaking, constantly getting highlights to hide my roots, it’s really rather obnoxious. BUT, I love, love, love, being a (bottled!) blonde!

Now, I’m worried all my hard work was for naught. I’ve been resisting the urge for MONTHS now to chop off all my hair, because I know that I want beautiful, long, blonde locks for the wedding- I’ll look back at those pictures forever. And now, I will definitely lose hair? What exactly does that look like?

According to the nutritionist at my Dr’s, her hair got “quite thin” and I should expect the same. It also happens between approximately months 3-9 post-surgery: Right in the wedding window 😦 I am not a happy camper.

But I’m also not blowing this chance and not getting surgery just because I’m going to lose some hair.

I’m up to about 310-315lbs right now. I know. It’s enormous, trust me, I know, I get it.

But, those extra 10-15 lbs are seriously killing me. I FEEL it.

I feel it now when I’m trying to walk, or get comfortable to sleep, my feet and ankles have been swelling like crazy again. I feel it just sitting here, I feel FAT everywhere. Uncomfortable. Unhealthy. I get winded walking to my car now. It’s pathetic.

I hate the way I feel, not to mention the way I look. I’m just SO big again, it’s unreal.

But, I can’t get down on myself, I have to keep looking forward.

I’m having surgery to get healthy, be able to be more active, hopefully sleep better, and live longer. That’s what it all really comes down to.

So, my new goal is to lose 50lbs by the wedding, which is just under 5 months away. They told me I can expect to lose 10 lbs during my TWO WEEK liquid diet (b/c of my BMI being so high), and then that’s just 10 lbs/mo for the next 4 months.

That is totally doable, and of course I’m really hoping to lose more, but I’m trying to stick with very realistic goals.

I’ve been pinning bariatric-friendly recipes on pinterest, and I bought a George Foreman 3-in-1 grill thing, which I still have to learn how to use.

I’m committed to getting this weight off, and changing my life, and living healthier.

There’s so many things I can’t wait to experience and share with you.

This Chrismahanukkah I want to get my fiance the annual passes to Islands of Adventure that I realized I couldn’t buy this year, because I couldn’t fit in anything.

My first big concern is fitting on the airplane for our honeymoon. We’re going to Sandals in Antigua, so there’s no way around flying. I’m terrified about this. I had hoped to be down 100 lbs by my wedding, so I expected to be smaller than I will really be. Even at 50 lbs down, that’s still a whopping 260lbs that has to fit into tiny little airplane seats. My anxiety level is rising just thinking about it. I really hope it’s not horrendously embarrassing. That’s my first size-related goal.

Seeing the scale go down will be great, but I want to start noticing results. Actually, my first goal, which I should hopefully experience before the wedding, is being able to close my bra like a normal person again. This is totally TMI, I’m sure, but I want to keep this blog real. Trying to lose weight isn’t just about vanity for me. It’s about being able to do things I cannot currently. Right now, it’s so embarrassing, but I have to hook my bra and then pull it over my head like a T-Shirt, and jiggle and tug it to get semi into place. It’s uncomfortable and annoying, and did I mention embarrassing? I want to be able to put on and take off my bra like anyone else would.

I think I’ve (over) shared quite enough for one post– But, suffice to say, I’m very excited and looking forward to improving my life and the journey ahead!

Back to life, back to reality

Today was my first day back to work after the cruise- talk about being back to reality!

I also jumped on the scale when I got back, and I gained 3lbs on the cruise… #FAIL

When I saw that number on the scale, all I saw was how much I’ve gained back and how I’m almost back to my highest weight ever. A weight I swore I would never see again. I know it’s “only 3 lbs” but it’s NOT “only” 3 lbs. It’s 3 freaking lbs.

I wanted to maintain on the cruise, even though really I needed to lose. If I had maintained, I would have at least considered it a success. But I failed.

This morning, I started thinking something that I’ve never thought about before. I worried what would happen if i gained MORE weight? Not a lb or two, but if I kept on this track of slowly gaining back. What would happen if I hit my highest weight again? What would happen if I actually GAINED weight before my wedding.

I literally wouldn’t be able to fit into a dress. Literally.

More than that, I would lose my health. My health. I’ve never thought about my health. It’s never hit me.

I would be super morbidly obese. I am way closer than I want to admit to being one of those people you see on TV.

I never even considered I could ever be one of those people. Not me! But, then I never thought I would EVER be the size I am now. Ever. I could never have imagined where I was headed in my early 20s. Yet here I am.

It was a hard realization. Then I thought about my mom and my fiance. My mom has told me in the past several times that I need to lose weight for my health. I always basically rolled my eyes and dismissed her sentiment.

But not today. When I was on the cruise, I felt limited by my weight. I can’t just walk on and on anymore. I have to stop. My back aches. ACHES. I get out of breath. It’s pathetic and disgusting and I can’t go on like this.

I saw myself moving towards being “one of those people”. How completely terrifying is that? Being confined to a bed or house bound or anything like that is no way to live a life. This is no way to live a life and no food is worth this.

Over the weekend (we got back Thurs) I was still in vacation mode. Just last night I went and bought a variety cheesecake wheel. I had some for breakfast. That’s how much of a fat-ass I am: I had CHEESECAKE for BREAKFAST.

That’s sickening to me right now. How could I do that to myself? Sometime after breakfast is when I had the realization that I was basically on my way to being an incapacitated, super morbidly obese person.

Instead of making excuses and eating what remained, or starting fresh at breakfast one day, or at the beginning of a week, I said NO. It ends NOW. No more cheating. I realized I truly am only cheating myself.

So, I stopped. I am throwing out the cheesecake and I went by Publix and bought more fruits and veg to snack on and meat to make lunches and dinners for the rest of the week. I ate cantaloupe for lunch (I know- needed some protein too, but I had planned on fast food, so, it’s a better choice by far). I snacked on some nuts when I got home and ate a granola for snack, because I was starving late in the day at work.

Just finished making dinners for the week  “tacos” but they’re homemade and not awful. Doing like a taco salad, but not like Taco Bell! Making meatloaf later for lunches. Meatloaf has lots of protein and really isn’t that bad for you.

I know, it’s a lot of red meat. I’m not perfect, by far, and I’m just starting back on this path. I needed to make things I wanted to eat, so I could get my eating and choices back under control. I’m not making the “best” decisions yet, but I’m certainly making better ones.

I’ve never ever thought about weighing 400lbs or something. I’ve never thought about my weight becoming a disability. But that’s precisely the path I have been on for some years now. Gaining, gaining, gaining. Not straight gaining, it’s certainly been an up and down struggle, but I keep getting back up there.

I promised myself I would never be over 300 lbs again. This is HUGE for me to admit. I mean, you can do the math of how much I need to lose, and figure it out approximately, but I’ve never just “come clean” on my weight

I am back up to 299. That is where I was when I started this journey a couple months ago. I’m right back there. My highest weight ever was 309. It was mortifying. Over 300 lbs. ME. How the hell did that happen?

But it did. I promised myself when I started this I would never hit 300lbs again. EVER. I’m close, but I’m not letting it happen. I have a new resolve and a new viewpoint. It’s not just about looking good for my wedding day anymore- it’s about my health.

I want to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want to get diabetes or any of those things, and quite frankly I’m lucky that at my weight I haven’t developed more problems. I also realized this morning how much pure weight is sitting on my chest. I have asthma (I have since before kindergarten, I didn’t develop it as a result of my weight) but I realized how all that weight was just sitting on my chest, and how that cannot possibly be helping my asthma. I may have sleep apnea,I’ve never kept the appointment to start the process to find out. Why? Because I don’t WANT a C-Pap machine. I don’t WANT that problem. So I’m just trying to ignore it and hope it goes away….

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I want to LIVE life. To the fullest! Which isn’t cliche at all, it’s truly what we should all want!

I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines or not doing things because of my weight. Because I can’t fit, or I can’t walk that far, or whatever the excuse may be. I want to have fun again.

I want to go on roller coasters again, I want to get my fiance annual passes to Islands of Adventure and go up there on weekends when he isn’t working. I want to go on more cruises, but I want to be able to do the excursions! I don’t want to have to check the “activity level” and only do “easy” excursions. I want to zipline! I’ve been wanting to for YEARS but I’ve always been too heavy, or too close to the max weight, where I was too afraid to weight in front of everyone or chance it.

I want to live. I’m tired of being confined and held back by my big fat body. It’s not about a stupid wedding dress anymore (not that I don’t still want to look beautiful on my special day) but this has become about reclaiming my LIFE.

THAT’S what I’m all about right now. Reclaiming my life.

fitbit down and deep thoughts

Tried fixing my fitbit after reading some things online, but to no avail. My fitbit is officially out of commission. Which is such a shame, since it’s been down the past few days, while I’ve been doing so well! I really wish I could see exactly where I was, so I could make sure I was staying on track as well as keep pushing myself. 

In any event, at least I know my body is still getting the benefits, even if I can’t track my steps right now! Weekends are usually such a killer for me, but so far this weekend I am doing well. Ate a reasonable breakfast and had a snack, and I’ll be getting lunch shortly, as it’s just about noon. Having chicken and veggies for lunch. Won’t be a ton of calories, so I can still afford to snack later. I *definitely* snack on the weekends. 

I’m really determined to stay on track this weekend, and not go over my cals. I’ve also been up since 630am and cleaned from 630-930, when I had to take the puppers to the groomers. Came back home and cleaned some more, and still have a ways to go. It’s great having more space, but it does take awhile to really clean and disinfect/sanitize +1750sqft. If I’m still feeling super ambitious a little later, I might even try to vacuum the stairs. They definitely need it, but what a task! 

The good thing is, all my cleaning means I’m staying active and getting in some good steps. Gotta keep burning as many calories as I can. I’m also really focusing on drinking more water. My friend Jacki, who has been helping me a lot through this whole process, has been telling me to get more water in. My trainer also has been telling me to drink more, and yesterday she said it should really help get the lbs off, if I start drinking more. So, definitely trying to get in as much water as possible. 

I’m still pretty stressed about everything that is going on. Really stressed with my work situation, finances and the wedding, and really finances in general, and unfortunately I really can’t control any of it. I realized on Friday, at work, that while I couldn’t control most of the things I am stressing about- at least not right now- I can control my attitude. So, I’m working hard at staying more positive and I’m really, really trying to let things go and not obsess. Which is totally my thing. I know I’ve talked about how hard it is for me to just trust in God that everything will work out and He has a plan. 

I know there have been so many situations in my life that I didn’t understand, but maybe even years later, I saw a benefit to them. I don’t know why it couldn’t have happened another way, but, things have always worked out for me. Not always on my timeframe, actually probably never on my time frame! I’m probably the most impatient person I know! But, nonetheless, everything has always pretty much worked out for the best. 

Being in limbo and not knowing is just the absolute hardest thing for me. I’m always rushing through life, and I’ve got to learn to just relax and take it slower. That’s one of the traits I admire in my fiancé. He hardly ever stresses about anything. He’s always so calm, and just like, we’ll figure it out. Meanwhile I sit and obsess and ruminate over all the possibilities and accomplish nothing except for working myself up. I have to learn to change a bit, in that regard. 

My nutritionist was telling me that stress (and my sleeping issues) can have an effect on your eating. My trainer yesterday told me it can actually change how your body processes carbs, which is definitely no good. So, somehow I have to learn to better deal with stress. It’s weird, because I sort of thrive on stress. I do my best work under pressure, but I don’t seem to have an “off” button. I am just constantly stressed, which I’m finding really isn’t healthy for me. I really don’t understand how people just let things go, though. I’m trying to tell myself I can’t think about it, or I’ll think about it later, or there’s nothing can do, so I need to not obsess, but it’s definitely hard to get my thoughts under control. 

In any event, I’m at least having a more positive attitude since being back on track. Today is Day 3 of being a superstar, and I’m definitely feeling much better in general. So that’s helping. Now I’ve just got to work on some of my bad habits and get everything else in check, too. 

This journey really isn’t just about weight loss, and I knew there would be more to it. I didn’t know what to expect or anticipate, but I knew that at least part of it would be dealing with my own head. So much of this journey really is mental, and I’m finding that more and more as I go along. I have to have faith in myself, which is so hard, when all you’ve ever done is beat yourself down. I was never good enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, never successful enough, definitely never anywhere close to thin enough. I’ve basically hated myself my whole life. It’s hard to realize that at 31 years old, and then even attempt to change something that’s so much a part of who you are. 

Part of me is afraid to even try. I feel like the fact that I’m never satisfied with anything in my life is what pushes me to do more and try harder. It helps me get to the next level. Although I’m definitely feeling lately like I’ve made A LOT less progress in my life than what I should have accomplished. 

I still don’t own a house, I don’t have kids, I am thankfully finally engaged to the man of my life, but I’m getting older. And to be honest, due to my own stupidity, I cannot have kids naturally. Adoption or in vitro both cost so much money, and with my current financial situation I don’t see any way we can ever accomplish any of these dreams. That’s what is really propelling me to explore other options at work. 

I am definitely ready for the next stage in my career. I’ve been promoted throughout my working career, of course, and moved “up”, but I’m nowhere close to where I want to be, or where I feel I should be. I don’t feel successful at all right now. But that unhappiness is what prompts me to work hard and find new possibly opportunities and if I become content with my life, how am I ever going to keep pushing for the next best thing? 

I’ve always got to have goals. Even if I meet these goals, they are constantly moving, because I’ll immediately have a next goal in its place. But I like the fact that I push myself. I know I’m capable of doing more, and being more, and I’m trying hard to break in and make my chance. Someone else is going to have to take a chance on me, but I just know I am capable of doing it. And I’m not talking about just a 2-5% increase in salary here. The salary range that I could get into eventually, if I can break through the barriers, is huge. Easily double my annual salary, and potentially much, much more. 

It’s not that I’m just greedy about money, though I do like money, but to me it represents all the things I can finally accomplish in my life. Not just material things, like the house, and I would want a new car of course (a nice, black Mercedes SUV), but it represents being capable of having a family for me. And the house isn’t just about the house- it’s about *finally* being able to settle down and plant roots somewhere. I’m aching to do that. I’ve moved around in my life so much, and potentially am looking at moving again for work, if I were to be offered one of the opportunities, but really, I want to find that place where I’m happy with my career and buy a decent house, and be able to settle down with my love, and start a little family. I know it’s cliche and probably stupid, but I want the little white picket fence, with another puppy, and be able to have a child. I want to be a mom SO bad. It hurts sometimes. My biological clock is definitely ticking loudly. 

I’m getting older, I’m already 31, and we won’t be married until I’m 32. It generally takes about 2 years to adopt a baby, and so best case scenario I’m looking at not begin able to have a baby until I’m 34, at the earliest. But that’s assuming somehow we can manage to come up with $30-40,000, to be able to adopt. It’s insane how expensive it is. I know there are some other options, but everywhere I’ve looked, to adopt a newborn in my state, is between $30-40k. And then think of all the expenses you’ll have. Starting a college fund for the child, furnishing a room, diapers, bottles, food, it’s all so much and so much money. 

So I don’t feel like I’m some selfish person, obsessed with trying to break into a new tax bracket. I just want to be able to have the same opportunities that I feel like most other people have. At least the people in my world- definitely the people in my world. I don’t feel like I measure up, at all. 

Anyway, I’ve talked about quite a lot, and it was rather unexpected. But maybe it’s good that I get all of this out of my head for a change. I’m praying everything works out, and I’m trying really hard to learn to have faith in myself and my abilities and to control the things that I can control and let go of the rest. Isn’t that the serenity prayer? It was always my favorite little prayer. I think it goes, “God, please help to me accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. I am just realizing how huge that is. For some reason, I’ve always loved that little saying, but it never really meant anything to me. Now, maybe for the first time, it is. That’s huge. Accepting the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference…. 

The scale said what?!?!

Week 5 Weigh Day went worse than anticipated. I knew I was off track ALL week (since Saturday) but I was not prepared for what I read this morning.

I did weigh in clothes, but that only accounts for 1-2lbs. The scale said- brace yourself- that I was UP 7 lbs. SEVEN. In ONE week. 😳😫

*deep breath* I am trying very hard not to freak out and try anything extreme again. I was too restrictive a couple weeks ago and that didn’t work well for me. What works is eating 1400-1500 calories a day every day and walking. How hard is that?

*more deep breaths*

My plan of attack for next week:
-Eat 3 meals/day Every day
-Eat between 1400-1500 calories
-Walk at least 1 mile at least 3 days
-Eat veg 2/day and fruit 1/day

I’m very carb conscious because of past diets and Dr’s so eating fruits and veg may seem easy to you, but it’s not for me. Not that I don’t like them, because I definitely do, it just stressed me out and I’ve been fully avoiding fruit and minimizing vegetables.

I had a phone consultation with a dietician through my insurance lifestyle coaching program yesterday. She explained how these sugars and carbs actually react differently in our body, and my trainer said as much this morning as well. So I’m going to work really hard to let go of thinking I need to eat super low cals (800-1000) or eliminate all carbs. Contrary to my belief, apparently all carbs are not the devil. I’m still working to buy into that.

So I have a plan and I’m officially waging war on my fat cells.

I am still determined to lose the weight by my wedding. I still have time. I *cannot* afford another week like this past week, but at least I still have plenty of time to get back on track.

Today means I’m officially off schedule for the first time in 5 weeks. I am determined to get the numbers back on track to meet my goal. It’s totally doable I just have to be strong and work hard.

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“This for me, tho”

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Sometimes all you need is that extra half mile… Forget going the extra mile. Tonight I went an extra half mile on the treadmill, and I feel pretty darned good about myself.

I didn’t want to walk. At all. I was already in my PJs (big mistake) and all I wanted was to go pass out. Yes, at 6-7pm. I didn’t care. But, I thought about what I want, what I’m working towards and I decided I wasn’t giving up that easily.

Took a caffeine pill and cleaned up the kitchen. Felt a bit peppier and forced myself to go upstairs and change and put my shoes on. No turning back after that. Got on the treadmill. Decided I wasn’t going to just get my walk in, I was going to push myself.

I have a sign I made above my treadmill at home “sweating for the wedding” :

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Excuse the crude design – I am obviously not an artist. But, it does its job. Reminds me of one of my main motivation factors for walking and making this the time I actually get this weight off.

So I pushed. And I walked harder and faster.. And longer. I didn’t stop when I hit my requisite mile. I decided I was walking 1.25 miles. Then when I got to 1.25 miles I decided to keep pushing and walk 1.5 miles tonight. So that’s what I did.

Maybe I could have gone further, but my foot was going numb and my side was starting to cramp. I want to push it, not overdo it. So I slowed down and finished up at +1.6 miles. I think 34 minutes- which is by no means impressive, but considering I started walking again at like 1-2mph only, it’s an improvement for me. Which is what this is all about.

Of course now I feel really good about myself and like I’ve accomplished something today. Hit my step goal of 5000 steps today and it’s only 8pm. Wondering if I can hit 7500 today… May have to walk again later!

My first lifestyle coaching session went well today. A lot of basic questions: what meds are you taking, what and how much are you eating, etc. But- the nurse is going to set me up with a behavioral nurse to discuss my eating issues. She’s also hooking me up with a nutritionist. All of this for free. And she scheduled me for my next regular life coaching session.

So blessed to have so much support and so many resources available to me. I think that is a huge difference over some past attempts to lose weight. I felt more isolated. I wasn’t acknowledging all the underlying issues, either. Or I didn’t know how or where to turn. This time God is putting people in my life one after another to help push me towards my goals. I’ve never felt so supported in my whole life. That includes all of you who read and comment on my blog, too.

I started the blog as an accountability measure for myself. I didn’t want to give myself an option to fail this time. So I decided to put it all out there. I never expected to find such support when I started this. I’m so appreciative for all the positivity you all send my way! I hope I can do the same for others.

I am trying to spread the support around in my personal life, too. I’m being a cheerleader for a few friends who are also working to lose weight and get fit. I love that I can be there for others the way people are there for me. I really don’t think you can do this – especially on such a large scale and be able to maintain it- without a hell of a lot of support.

I’m feeling even more determined now and anxious to see progress. I can’t wait to weigh Friday and see what I did this week. Any loss right now would be welcome, especially since I know I haven’t been perfect this week. But I’m getting better and better and I’m dealing with my bad habits head on. I’m going to beat this.

I’m prepared this time not only for the physical challenge, which I’ve tackled before, but more importantly, I’m ready for the mental challenge. That’s the real struggle. I have to learn how to change my thinking and turn myself into my biggest cheerleader. This is for me.

Excited for Monday?!

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I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but I’m actually kinda excited for Monday… First day of personal training again!

I love this picture. It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

I love that I’m doing this the “right” way- and I don’t claim it to be the right way for everyone, but it is the right way for me. No more starving and binging, no more super restrictive diets, no more hating myself, and no more excuses!

Despite my munchiness today, I’m still going to meet my calorie goal for the day. Which I’m super proud of. I thought I blew the day, and again, a lot of times I would use that as an excuse to binge. I did think about it, but I will not do it.

This won’t happen overnight. 100 lbs in a year is totally doable, but it’s going to be small steps for slow progress. At my size, losing 10 or even 20 lbs and no one can tell. But I’m not giving up. 20140628-190848-68928925.jpg

So here’s to being patient- my favorite thing! But it will be well worth it in the end. I’m going to get there one good decision at a time. And I’m going to mess up at times. I’m not perfect. But I’m also not giving up. I’m determined to do this and do it right.

Do I dare go back to the gym?

So I haven’t been to the gym in MONTHS and MONTHS. And I keep intending to stop by and cancel my membership. Then I read a bunch of fitness motivational quotes on Pinterest. Damn Pinterest. Now I’m all pumped up and wanting to go back and work my ass off.

Technically I still have a bunch of personal training sessions left. I lost 40-60 lbs last year while going to the gym. Then I regained the weight, felt wholly uncomfortable and too fat to live, let alone go to a gym, and I haven’t been back since.

I even bought a treadmill so I could walk at home, in private, without stares and glares. I literally haven’t been able to work up the nerve to go back there for multiple months now.

Awhile back they called me bc I still have PT sessions left. I told them I was planning to cancel my membership. In the midst of writing this I ran downstairs (fiancé is sleeping in bed next to me) and summoned all my courage and called the gym. I asked if I could still use my training session sans he said he didn’t see why not. He wasn’t totally convincing and didn’t offer to schedule an appt for me, so I’m calling back tomorrow.

BUT just the idea that I am thinking of going back there- it’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

People are so judgmental when you’re fat. Just in general, but then at the gym? I feel like I get stared at and scrutinized even more than usual. Like, wth am I doing there? I’m disgusting I don’t belong with these fit people (even though yes, I realize that’s exactly where I should be and need to be). But did I mention it’s terrifying?!?!

Soooo….. Hopefully tomorrow I can still work up my nerve again and call back to see about scheduling some training sessions.

I’m dedicated to doing this and getting fit and making lasting lifestyle changes. I think this is a step in the right direction, but again, I’m utterly terrified. I’m beyond self-conscious, I can’t even express how mortifying the gym became to me. And right now I’m so much fatter, I don’t even fit in my “fat” exercise clothes! What am I thinking? Am I really considering this? Am I doing this?!

Miami, Monday and malady

Well I’m happy to report I survived driving back and forth to Miami for a ball game without completely trashing my eating regime. (Notice I do not use the word “diet“. This is not temporary, this is a new lifestyle for me. In any event, we had a great time at the game and while I partook of some of the oodles of food and a little wine that surrounded us in the suite, I managed to avoid soda and drank water. A lot of water.

I also made home-made egg, sausage, cheese and bread casserole for the fiancé this weekend. No idea how many calories, but I’m trying to figure out how to account for this situation in the future.

I’m slightly stressed that I ate more of that than I should have and that the calories are outrageous. But I’m trying to stay calm and move forward. I’m definitely not using this as an excuse to binge, like I would have in the past. I’m getting right back on the wagon and tracking cals.

I am a little disappointed in myself but I’m trying not to let it overtake me. I can’t focus on that, I have to stay focused on my goal, which I’ll meet. I didn’t get my walk in this weekend either, but I did almost hit my step goal yesterday, nonetheless.

Will get back to walking tonight, despite being exhausted and battling a stomach issue. Because I’m not feeling the best, I haven’t eaten lunch, but I’m really not hungry or feeling up to it, though I am making sure I keep drinking lots of water.

All in all, for my first weekend on my new healthful journey, I think I did ok. Not perfect, but weekends have always been such a huge struggle for me, especially when there are special events thrown in there. But I didn’t completely lose it or go off track and today I’m back being uber accountable.

So I’m going to choose to see this as a success and just do even better this coming weekend. We are having family dinner Sunday (lasagna) but I’m going to figure out cals in advance and work it in. It’s all about planning for me. Still determined to do this…

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