Finally Friday

Started my day off on a decent note this morning: got up later than I wanted so I only got in 20min on the treadmill before my trainer. But, hey, I still worked out!

Trying to mentally talk myself into committing to go to spin tomorrow morning. The mental battle is by far 100 times harder than the physical one.

I need to go, because I didn’t get in all my sessions this week and I need to make up for it. Plus I’m almost always up early on the weekends, and spin doesn’t start until 830.

So what is the problem you ask? Laziness…. Why is that? Do you have any tricks to make yourself do something?

I just need to get back in the habit of going to the gym more. When I was really into it last year, it wasn’t a question. I just *had* to go. No options.

Now I debate back and forth and make up excuses (I have a friend coming over at noon and I have so much cleaning I need to get done, for ex).

*sigh* like Nike says, JUST DO IT!

Other than that the rest of my day has been pretty decent too. Nothing insanely exciting (except my iPhone 6 arriving- woot!) but I ate clean again today and am still really feeling good about the recent changes.

Just have to keep going and not give up or give in. I’m going to win. Big time.

Back to life, back to reality

Today was my first day back to work after the cruise- talk about being back to reality!

I also jumped on the scale when I got back, and I gained 3lbs on the cruise… #FAIL

When I saw that number on the scale, all I saw was how much I’ve gained back and how I’m almost back to my highest weight ever. A weight I swore I would never see again. I know it’s “only 3 lbs” but it’s NOT “only” 3 lbs. It’s 3 freaking lbs.

I wanted to maintain on the cruise, even though really I needed to lose. If I had maintained, I would have at least considered it a success. But I failed.

This morning, I started thinking something that I’ve never thought about before. I worried what would happen if i gained MORE weight? Not a lb or two, but if I kept on this track of slowly gaining back. What would happen if I hit my highest weight again? What would happen if I actually GAINED weight before my wedding.

I literally wouldn’t be able to fit into a dress. Literally.

More than that, I would lose my health. My health. I’ve never thought about my health. It’s never hit me.

I would be super morbidly obese. I am way closer than I want to admit to being one of those people you see on TV.

I never even considered I could ever be one of those people. Not me! But, then I never thought I would EVER be the size I am now. Ever. I could never have imagined where I was headed in my early 20s. Yet here I am.

It was a hard realization. Then I thought about my mom and my fiance. My mom has told me in the past several times that I need to lose weight for my health. I always basically rolled my eyes and dismissed her sentiment.

But not today. When I was on the cruise, I felt limited by my weight. I can’t just walk on and on anymore. I have to stop. My back aches. ACHES. I get out of breath. It’s pathetic and disgusting and I can’t go on like this.

I saw myself moving towards being “one of those people”. How completely terrifying is that? Being confined to a bed or house bound or anything like that is no way to live a life. This is no way to live a life and no food is worth this.

Over the weekend (we got back Thurs) I was still in vacation mode. Just last night I went and bought a variety cheesecake wheel. I had some for breakfast. That’s how much of a fat-ass I am: I had CHEESECAKE for BREAKFAST.

That’s sickening to me right now. How could I do that to myself? Sometime after breakfast is when I had the realization that I was basically on my way to being an incapacitated, super morbidly obese person.

Instead of making excuses and eating what remained, or starting fresh at breakfast one day, or at the beginning of a week, I said NO. It ends NOW. No more cheating. I realized I truly am only cheating myself.

So, I stopped. I am throwing out the cheesecake and I went by Publix and bought more fruits and veg to snack on and meat to make lunches and dinners for the rest of the week. I ate cantaloupe for lunch (I know- needed some protein too, but I had planned on fast food, so, it’s a better choice by far). I snacked on some nuts when I got home and ate a granola for snack, because I was starving late in the day at work.

Just finished making dinners for the week  “tacos” but they’re homemade and not awful. Doing like a taco salad, but not like Taco Bell! Making meatloaf later for lunches. Meatloaf has lots of protein and really isn’t that bad for you.

I know, it’s a lot of red meat. I’m not perfect, by far, and I’m just starting back on this path. I needed to make things I wanted to eat, so I could get my eating and choices back under control. I’m not making the “best” decisions yet, but I’m certainly making better ones.

I’ve never ever thought about weighing 400lbs or something. I’ve never thought about my weight becoming a disability. But that’s precisely the path I have been on for some years now. Gaining, gaining, gaining. Not straight gaining, it’s certainly been an up and down struggle, but I keep getting back up there.

I promised myself I would never be over 300 lbs again. This is HUGE for me to admit. I mean, you can do the math of how much I need to lose, and figure it out approximately, but I’ve never just “come clean” on my weight

I am back up to 299. That is where I was when I started this journey a couple months ago. I’m right back there. My highest weight ever was 309. It was mortifying. Over 300 lbs. ME. How the hell did that happen?

But it did. I promised myself when I started this I would never hit 300lbs again. EVER. I’m close, but I’m not letting it happen. I have a new resolve and a new viewpoint. It’s not just about looking good for my wedding day anymore- it’s about my health.

I want to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want to get diabetes or any of those things, and quite frankly I’m lucky that at my weight I haven’t developed more problems. I also realized this morning how much pure weight is sitting on my chest. I have asthma (I have since before kindergarten, I didn’t develop it as a result of my weight) but I realized how all that weight was just sitting on my chest, and how that cannot possibly be helping my asthma. I may have sleep apnea,I’ve never kept the appointment to start the process to find out. Why? Because I don’t WANT a C-Pap machine. I don’t WANT that problem. So I’m just trying to ignore it and hope it goes away….

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I want to LIVE life. To the fullest! Which isn’t cliche at all, it’s truly what we should all want!

I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines or not doing things because of my weight. Because I can’t fit, or I can’t walk that far, or whatever the excuse may be. I want to have fun again.

I want to go on roller coasters again, I want to get my fiance annual passes to Islands of Adventure and go up there on weekends when he isn’t working. I want to go on more cruises, but I want to be able to do the excursions! I don’t want to have to check the “activity level” and only do “easy” excursions. I want to zipline! I’ve been wanting to for YEARS but I’ve always been too heavy, or too close to the max weight, where I was too afraid to weight in front of everyone or chance it.

I want to live. I’m tired of being confined and held back by my big fat body. It’s not about a stupid wedding dress anymore (not that I don’t still want to look beautiful on my special day) but this has become about reclaiming my LIFE.

THAT’S what I’m all about right now. Reclaiming my life.

Refocusing

I think I’ve turned the corner, as far as getting back on track. Took me a little while (definitely longer than I wanted), but, I think I’ve *finally* turned the corner. I’ve cut out all junk from my diet and am back to eating 3 meals/day. I am eating over calories, because I’m snacking (on good things) too often. I’ve got to get my portions back under control. Goal #1. 

I am not hitting my steps yet, either, but i WILL. i am working to get them back up. Of course tonight I am cleaning and so I’m moving, but I didn’t walk. I’m going to set my alarm to get up and walk tomorrow before work. That is just what works for me- I have to get it out of the way first thing. I try just using my fitbit alarm (it vibrates on my arm) so as not to wake the fiancé, but I’m going to have to suck it up, and just use a REAL alarm again. The kind that make obnoxious noise and jolt you awake. These soft vibrations are just not doing it for me. 

So I’ve got a plan of attack. I’m refocused on my goals, and determined to make progress. I can still feasibly lose 100lbs by my wedding. I just have to stay on track and keep improving. I can’t let myself get comfortable. I have to keep pushing harder and harder, and I’m going to. 

I have been exceptionally stressed lately, which is not helping anything. Unfortunately my stress is somewhat out of my control. There is hope for the future, but in the meantime I’ve just got to get it together and try to let it go and not sit and obsess about it, which is totally my thing. 

Nothing is going to change this minute, so I shouldn’t keep wasting all this time thinking about it. But that’s easier said than done, especially for me. My natural tendency is to obsess and ruminate about every little thing. I truly don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to get through some things, but I’ve got to at some point just have faith it will all work out. Somehow or someway. 

Getting to that point is not going to be easy. I’m not there yet, but at least I’m acknowledging and trying to work towards that, instead of just doing what comes naturally to me. I do like to plan, and I think you need to plan to be successful. At least in my life, things don’t just happen. You have to make them happen. But, I can’t make miracles happen overnight. I’ve got to just keep trucking along and doing my best and working hard and at some point have a little faith. 

So hard to just have faith. 

I have to keep working hard and trucking on my lifestyle change as well. That’s not going to just happen, either, that’s for sure. But, to a degree, I have to have faith I can do this, too. I found some old clothes and old pics while cleaning things out. The clothes were so small. I found my favorite pair of khaki’s from when I was younger– they were a size MEDIUM. I cannot remember when I was ever a size medium, but I wore those things ALL the time. I was never “skinny”, but I was so much more normal. I will never be a size 2, but I can be a size 12 again. I found old clothes around that size, too. That’s a very realistic goal for me, although of course, deep down, I want to be smaller. I want to be a size 2. 

My body just isn’t built for that. But, I can’t quite let go of that. Realistically, by my wedding, I will probably still be a plus size. No matter how hard I work, I’m going to be considered “fat”. I’ve seen pics of people that were around a size that is realistic for me to be at my wedding, and I thought they looked huge still. Which just makes me realize how much HUGER I am right now. 

I don’t want to look back at pictures of what should be the happiest day of my entire life with such disgust and regret. It is not going to be easy, but I have absolutely got to lose this weight. I will not look the way I truly want to look for my wedding, but anything is better than what I am now. And if I can lose 100 lbs, that’s 5-10 dress sizes. That will be a HUGE difference over where I am. 

Having faith and just trusting God, or the universe, or whatever you believe in, is so freaking hard for me. But, first I’ve got to believe in myself, or none of my dreams are going to come true. Weight-wise, work-wise, life-wise. I have a hard time believing in myself. I’ve got to trust deep down that i CAN do this. It is possible. Seeing those old clothes made it real and tangible- I have been smaller, and I can maintain a smaller weight. I did it for a long time. Albeit not in a healthy manner, but now I have tools that I did not have back then. I’m in a different place and I’m a different person and now I can do better. I’m capable of doing this, I just have to work my ass off and make it happen. 

 

 

Struggling

I have really been struggling since Saturday night with my eating. I ordered pizza after battling crazy cravings all day long, and of course that provided me leftovers the next day. Then Sunday I succumbed to my McDonald’s craving, due in part to poor planning.

Today I started off right by going to the gym and seeing my trainer, but then lunch happened. I even brought my lunch today and was completely prepared, so as to avoid exactly what still happened. I got ticked off at the Post Office and so I decided in the spur of the moment that I deserved a Starbucks. I was also extremely exhausted ALL day.

It seemed like such a good idea, until I got the triple Venti mocha cookie crumble (I know- I didn’t even get anything with halfway reasonable calories) AND then I ordered a cheese danish. They are the best cheese danishes I’ve ever had in my life, and I had no reason to get one whatsoever, except that it was there, and I wanted it.

Then I went back to work, with my giant, highly caloric drink and danish and I quickly consumed them, which was immediately followed by waves of guilt. I started texting a million people, but I kept erasing it. I wanted to purge hardcore. I haven’t done that in awhile, since last year (and not frequently for many years) but I wanted to SOOO bad.

I fought it, and didn’t, but these compulsions have been really hitting me hard lately. I’m not sure why.

Two people have followed up and called me from OA. I don’t know if they text, though. Actually, 3 people, but one said it was her house phone and she’s also new.

But I almost tried texting one, completely freaking out, but I stopped. And it’s just too uncomfortable for me to actually call one of them. I know you’re supposed to get a sponsor, if you decide to do this, but I hate talking on the phone. I detest it. Except with my mother, fiance, and father. Otherwise, don’t call me.

I’m very disappointed in myself and I know I’m totally screwing up all the progress that I’ve made, and I don’t think I’m going to completely spiral out of control, but I’ve got to get a handle on this nonetheless.

I hate when I screw up, and I hate the way I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.

I was going strong 5 weeks, and then, BLAH. I knew and planned for there to be bumps along the way, but knowing that is realistically going to happen doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when it happens.

Also, in OA they talk about only eating 3 meals a day, no snacks, and abstinence from your “trigger” foods. I think I would die if I didn’t allow myself to snack in between meals. I’m so not ready to do only 3 meals a day. And all these nutritionists and trainers tell you to eat like 6 small meals a day, anyway. Which I was eating maybe 4-5 times a day when I was doing well.

I just am feeling a little overwhelmed and I suppose unhappy.

OH- I sold my big fat wedding dress over the weekend, so I officially have nothing to fall back on. I have absolutely GOT to lose this weight. I am so tired of how I look and feel and I was never happy with myself, but looking back, I feel like I could be happy now at a better weight.

I try to make myself understand that I’ll never be the weight I want to be, but I can focus on being healthier. It’s just so hard to let go of your ideals. Something you’ve wanted so bad for so long. I gave up for awhile, and that’s how I ended up being as fat as I am, but deep down I still kept the dream alive, I guess.

I just want to be considered “normal”. And not a size 12-normal, because that’s realistically what size the average woman is in the US. I want to not be able to be considered fat or overweight. I want to be a single-digit size. Not a size 0, although secretly I’ve wished for 0-4, but a size 6-8 would make me happy. Meanwhile, even at my thinnest in high school, I was only a size 10. My waist is super wide, and even though I was thin and “average” sized, according to BMI, I was still a big fat pig.

I want to not be embarrassed about how I look, and I want to not have to worry if I can fit in an airplane seat, or if a chair can support me, I want to just live my life and be free, I suppose. I don’t know that I’m capable of ever getting to that point, and I’m not sure even how to work towards it, at this point.

But that’s what I want. I’m willing to work for it, and I’m not giving up, but I am definitely battling old demons and really struggling right now.

86 lbs to go

Weigh-day results: 3lbs down this week!

Quite frankly I’m not sure how that happened, as I slipped up a couple times. But I was very pleasantly surprised this morning when I got on the scale and I think I really needed this loss today.

So for those of you who are keeping track, that’s 14lbs down in 4 wks leaving 86 lbs to go by June 20, 2015. I’m on my way!!!!

Now I just have to keep up the momentum. I have struggled this week and been a little quiet due to some personal and family circumstances.

I think getting this loss is just the thing to get me back on track 100%. I’m excited (and still quite nervous) for OA tomorrow morning. I really think it will help me long term. I’ve got to get my food issues under control.

So all in all it’s a pretty happy Friday for me! How is everyone else doing?

What happens post-revelation?

For those of you who read my blog earlier today, you know I had a little revelation. I realized that just like when I was 21 and dealing with an eating issue, that 10 years later, my life still revolves around food. That makes 20 years now I’ve dealt with food issues.

That was huge, and rather hard for me to swallow. I was pretty depressed this afternoon, and text several people basically freaking out. Two of them, at almost the same time, suggested I try over-eaters anonymous (OA).

This wouldn’t be my first experience with OA, actually. I tried attending a “meeting” online maybe 3-4 years ago. I totally didn’t get the format or feel like it did anything for me, and I didn’t even stay on the whole meeting.

But, I’ve never tried attending in person. I was too embarrassed to dream of going in person. It was mortifying to me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it outright, but I have a lot of anxiety I deal with as well. Much of it probably from being uncomfortable in my own skin… perhaps?

Anyway…. I looked up meetings and found one on Saturday mornings and it’s not even that far from my house. I was surprisingly open to the idea this afternoon, which is indicative of my determination and attempts to use every possible resource available to me this time around. This time I’m being successful, and I’m not trying the same old thing for the millionth time. I do actually want to get to the root cause of my issues and resolve them, so maybe it won’t be such a constant struggle every single day for the rest of my life.

After I looked up the meeting, I went to their website to find out some more information. Well, holy shit. I could be the poster-child for OA! I could strongly relate to just about every single question they listed that you’re to ask yourself. They even straight up listed using vomiting and laxatives as a means to control your weight. Also, the guilt, eating in secret, and I could go on and on and on.

Reading their website was practically a whole new revelation for me, in and of itself. I felt like I finally found a place that would understand me, and could actually help me. So here’s my hang-up: It focuses on the 12-step Recovery model. I’ve never actually read the 12 Steps, until today, and I know it works for tons of people, but I’m not totally in love with the religious aspect.

Yes, I also know you only must believe in a “higher power”, whatever that means to you. Not the point. Some of the steps were about giving over to God and stuff like that. I don’t know why, but that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because I’m a control freak.

I completely believe in God, for me personally, that is my belief. But I’m not an overly religious person. I was raised in the Church and attended Christian and Catholic schools Pre-k-12th Grade. So, I’m quite familiar with religion, I just have issues there I suppose I need to address at some point as well, but now isn’t really the time. So, this whole thing makes me a little nervous and uncomfortable. I don’t want to feel like I’m being lectured or preached to.

I called the contact for the meetings and left a voice mail, but she hasn’t called me back yet. I sort of wanted to get a little more information, but I’m still planning on going Saturday morning.

Some people may read this and think I’m totally pathetic or a loser, or whatever you want to call me. It’s embarrassing for me to admit I have a problem with eating (STILL!) and need help. I thought I put all that behind me 10 years ago. But I didn’t.

I do need help to get through some of my issues, and I can’t afford to go to private therapy right now. But maybe this will help? Maybe this will be the thing to get me through all of these issues, and isn’t that at least worth trying?

If every day were like today…

So, for my fellow mfp peeps, you should recognize that phrase. “If every day were like today, you would weigh xxx in 5 weeks”. Well, today that number pleasantly surprised me! It feels like a less-ginormous number. Granted, I know it’s still huge, but it’s smaller than I’ve been in awhile.

It’s about 20lbs less than what I weigh now. In just 5 weeks! Personally, their predictions never seem to hold true for me either way, but just to see that number was encouraging.

I was actually too low on cals today (under 1200) and increased my exercise (having the most steps yet today since starting back!) so every day will most certainly NOT be like today. But, still… That number IS in my future! I can’t wait to see it on the scale.

I also just got my weekly fitbit progress report, which I was totally excited about. Last week I said I would hit my daily step goal of 5000 – and I did!

My best day was over 7000 steps and my daily average was over 5000. Woot! I did it! One goal, met! Feels good, especially after the weekend I had.

20140707-205337-75217809.jpg

Oh I also rose in the rankings from 170 (I believe) to 135. So, I’m pretty darned happy with this progress report!

Oh- and another positive about today; I became a cook! Cooking is not exactly my forte, but I created a little chicken dish tonight that was actually quite tasty. 375 cals per serving, which feels like a lot to me, but my friend assures me it’s ok. I struggle with calories and what’s ok… More work to be done there…

I love that I started this day on a high note, and I’m most certainly ending on one as well! Hooray for small victories!

Lifestyle Coaching

In an attempt to give this all I’ve got and take advantage of literally every resource available to me, I have made a “lifestyle coaching” appointment for this afternoon at 3pm.

A work friend told me about the service, which is offered free through our insurance company. It’s a registered nurse who helps with things like weight loss and nutrition, along with a few other categories.

I’m kind of nervous and not sure what this will be like or if just talking to someone over the phone can really make a difference and help me. But, I might as well give it a try, right?

As I mentioned yesterday briefly, I have some old “food issues”. If I’m really going to do this (and I am!) I need to resolve these sooner rather than later. They surely have an effect on my success and I’m not willing to let old poor habits keep me from reaching my goals.

So I’m very nervous. Opening up and talking to a stranger is never easy. Getting into intimate details about my neuroticism is definitely scary. But I know this is something I have to work on.

So I guess I’ll let you know how it goes!

I also called today and made a Doctor’s appointment to try and get more diet pills. I have some I was prescribed awhile ago, but I’m running out. And right now I just don’t think I can consistently control my eating like I need to without some assistance.

I’ve got to gain control not only over my weight but also my eating and thoughts around eating and food. Food has basically ruled my life in some way or another since I was about 11 or 12 years old. It needs to end now. Granted what that control has looked like has varied, but my life has basically revolved around food for years and years. I’m 31 years old now, and there’s no reason to let this continue.

Wish me luck!

Pushing myself

20140701-103228-37948659.jpg

My daily step goal has been 5000 steps, since I’m just starting back. But, I didn’t average that last week. So this week I’m pushing myself to beat my fitbit stats from last week.

My goal will be to hit 5000 steps per day. Every day. To do so, I’ll need to walk about a mile each day in addition to my regular daily activities.

I was obsessed with fitbit when I first got it, and then my original one died after taking an accidental swim. For awhile I didn’t use anything but I’m glad I bought the flex and am using fitbit again. I think it can really help me stay on track and where I need to be.

I also love that it syncs to mfp. Makes life so easy. I try to never eat my exercise cals, but I love seeing the “net cals” figure. Makes me feel like I’ve really done something.

I had a deficit last week, but this week I’m pushing for a bigger deficit. I want to work towards lowering my cals by 50-100. Don’t think I’m quite ready yet. Some days I do ok, but like today I had a little bingethon early this morning.

I totally overrate and did I mention that carbs were involved? It was bad. Luckily I worked out the rest of my day to still meet my calorie goal for the day (barely!).

So I don’t want to drop my cals too soon, but I really need to work on this. I’ve got to consistently eat less and make every day a “good day”.

Eating appropriately is such a struggle for me. I hate it. And I know it’s never going away. No matter what I weigh, I’m going to have this internal battle.

I was never really taught how to eat “normally”. For years I binged and purged and restricted food. I have had such unhealthy habits. That was the only way I knew how to control my weight. When I finally stopped that behavior, I started gaining weight. I learned to stop doing something harmful, but I never learned coping skills to use in its place. And I still binge. I just don’t purge, hence the waist- and everything else- keeps expanding.

I love food and I hate it at the same time. I know I have to change my thinking, but that doesn’t happen overnight. So much farther yet to go on this lifelong journey…

Excited for Monday?!

20140628-190222-68542154.jpg

I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but I’m actually kinda excited for Monday… First day of personal training again!

I love this picture. It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

I love that I’m doing this the “right” way- and I don’t claim it to be the right way for everyone, but it is the right way for me. No more starving and binging, no more super restrictive diets, no more hating myself, and no more excuses!

Despite my munchiness today, I’m still going to meet my calorie goal for the day. Which I’m super proud of. I thought I blew the day, and again, a lot of times I would use that as an excuse to binge. I did think about it, but I will not do it.

This won’t happen overnight. 100 lbs in a year is totally doable, but it’s going to be small steps for slow progress. At my size, losing 10 or even 20 lbs and no one can tell. But I’m not giving up. 20140628-190848-68928925.jpg

So here’s to being patient- my favorite thing! But it will be well worth it in the end. I’m going to get there one good decision at a time. And I’m going to mess up at times. I’m not perfect. But I’m also not giving up. I’m determined to do this and do it right.