Mourning loss of food

I think I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but now that I’m coming up on week 3 post-op, I’m really struggling with the loss of food. 

I just started eating puréed foods, which includes egg and tuna. I feel like I can eat way less of these foods than I could of soup. I’m beyond sick of soup, by the way. But, I love eggs and I don’t usually like tuna, but it’s tons of protein, and it was actually pretty ok. I’m also just food deprived lol. 

But, I want to eat more than I can. It seemed a little easier to throw away excess soup I couldn’t eat. Now that I’m eating more solid foods, I *want* to eat more. I want to feel satisfied– but it’s in my mind. My body is full now, and that’s all I can eat. Literally. Just a few little bites. But, in my head it’s not enough. 

There’s a disconnect between my mind and my body now. I guess maybe there always has been, because to me, being satisfied, was eating way too much. I didn’t need that much food, I just wanted it on an emotional level. Now that I can’t have it, it makes me feel sad. 

I know I have to figure this out, in order to be successful. It actually scares me a little bit. I don’t want to screw this up, and I’m so worried I’m going to fail at this. 

I am only down 3 lbs this week, which is on track for losing 10lbs/mo, which is what I can expect to lose. But, it worries me that the weight loss has slowed down. I know I’m still losing, and should be happy, but I’m not. 

So, overall I’m just struggling a bit today with this new lifestyle. I know this was to be expected, but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

The last supper

Who has ever been on a weight loss journey and not had their version of a “last supper”? Tonight was the fiancé’s birthday, so I took him to Ruth’s Chris. We usually have the Ruths classics, but tonight we decided to splurge. I wanted him to have whatever he wanted on the menu… And I also wanted to enjoy my last “fancy” night out– so I opted for the 11oz filet mignon. 😍

Needless to say, it was utterly delicious, right down to the vanilla bean creme brûlée (my absolute fave) for dessert! Yes– we even had dessert… This was an all-out splurge fest.

I’ll never eat a full meal there again 😔 kind of sad to think about like that. I had to cancel our valentines reservations, because I’ll be on all liquids.

We’ll still go again– our rehearsal dinner will be at Ruth’s Chris , but I’ll only be able to eat a little of the steak– probably 3oz.

I’m just a little in mourning over losing the ability to splurge if I want, you know? It’s a little sad, to be completely honest with you. Obviously I like food, I use food to celebrate when I’m happy, or comfort me when I’m sad or stressed, etc. I’m no longer going to be eating the way I’ve eaten for my whole life.

I’ll be eating a whopping 6 meals a day, which seems like tons, but I’ll be eating such teeny weeny portions. And all protein. If I liked protein that much, I wouldn’t be this fat. I like carbs. And carbs and I are basically breaking up forever.

It’s sick to say this, but it’s almost like mourning the loss of a friend. Food has always been there for me through the best and worst of times, you know?

So I’m actually getting a little depressed.

Also, maybe a little mad. Because I can’t just have a night out anymore, after this surgery. It’s not like I’ll ever not be able to eat something ever again (though that’s entirely what it feels like). But, I’ll be able to have maybe a bite, at most.

In order to stay healthy, besides taking alexia bariatric vitamins for the rest of my life, I have to eat protein, protein, protein. 1g for every 10cals. So not alleged “high-protein” fun stuff like almonds or peanut butter.

I have to stick with “real” high-protein, like lean ground beef, chicken, and some Greek yogurt. At every single meal. For the rest of my life. My pouch will be so small I can’t eat fruits and veggies, like I love.

I have to get as much “bang for my buck” so to speak, with the protein. If I eat fruit or veg, there’s less room for the protein that my body will desperately need.

So, it’s just a little depressing and I really do feel like I’m in mourning a bit. How sick is that? Clearly there’s a reason I’m over 300 lbs.

But, at least I got one last night out, at a nice restaurant, with the love of my life, and I definitely savored the deliciousness. Now, I have to let go of turning towards food, and work on new and healthy alternatives. I have a long journey ahead of me, but I intend to be strong, both physically and mentally.

Back to life, back to reality

Today was my first day back to work after the cruise- talk about being back to reality!

I also jumped on the scale when I got back, and I gained 3lbs on the cruise… #FAIL

When I saw that number on the scale, all I saw was how much I’ve gained back and how I’m almost back to my highest weight ever. A weight I swore I would never see again. I know it’s “only 3 lbs” but it’s NOT “only” 3 lbs. It’s 3 freaking lbs.

I wanted to maintain on the cruise, even though really I needed to lose. If I had maintained, I would have at least considered it a success. But I failed.

This morning, I started thinking something that I’ve never thought about before. I worried what would happen if i gained MORE weight? Not a lb or two, but if I kept on this track of slowly gaining back. What would happen if I hit my highest weight again? What would happen if I actually GAINED weight before my wedding.

I literally wouldn’t be able to fit into a dress. Literally.

More than that, I would lose my health. My health. I’ve never thought about my health. It’s never hit me.

I would be super morbidly obese. I am way closer than I want to admit to being one of those people you see on TV.

I never even considered I could ever be one of those people. Not me! But, then I never thought I would EVER be the size I am now. Ever. I could never have imagined where I was headed in my early 20s. Yet here I am.

It was a hard realization. Then I thought about my mom and my fiance. My mom has told me in the past several times that I need to lose weight for my health. I always basically rolled my eyes and dismissed her sentiment.

But not today. When I was on the cruise, I felt limited by my weight. I can’t just walk on and on anymore. I have to stop. My back aches. ACHES. I get out of breath. It’s pathetic and disgusting and I can’t go on like this.

I saw myself moving towards being “one of those people”. How completely terrifying is that? Being confined to a bed or house bound or anything like that is no way to live a life. This is no way to live a life and no food is worth this.

Over the weekend (we got back Thurs) I was still in vacation mode. Just last night I went and bought a variety cheesecake wheel. I had some for breakfast. That’s how much of a fat-ass I am: I had CHEESECAKE for BREAKFAST.

That’s sickening to me right now. How could I do that to myself? Sometime after breakfast is when I had the realization that I was basically on my way to being an incapacitated, super morbidly obese person.

Instead of making excuses and eating what remained, or starting fresh at breakfast one day, or at the beginning of a week, I said NO. It ends NOW. No more cheating. I realized I truly am only cheating myself.

So, I stopped. I am throwing out the cheesecake and I went by Publix and bought more fruits and veg to snack on and meat to make lunches and dinners for the rest of the week. I ate cantaloupe for lunch (I know- needed some protein too, but I had planned on fast food, so, it’s a better choice by far). I snacked on some nuts when I got home and ate a granola for snack, because I was starving late in the day at work.

Just finished making dinners for the week  “tacos” but they’re homemade and not awful. Doing like a taco salad, but not like Taco Bell! Making meatloaf later for lunches. Meatloaf has lots of protein and really isn’t that bad for you.

I know, it’s a lot of red meat. I’m not perfect, by far, and I’m just starting back on this path. I needed to make things I wanted to eat, so I could get my eating and choices back under control. I’m not making the “best” decisions yet, but I’m certainly making better ones.

I’ve never ever thought about weighing 400lbs or something. I’ve never thought about my weight becoming a disability. But that’s precisely the path I have been on for some years now. Gaining, gaining, gaining. Not straight gaining, it’s certainly been an up and down struggle, but I keep getting back up there.

I promised myself I would never be over 300 lbs again. This is HUGE for me to admit. I mean, you can do the math of how much I need to lose, and figure it out approximately, but I’ve never just “come clean” on my weight

I am back up to 299. That is where I was when I started this journey a couple months ago. I’m right back there. My highest weight ever was 309. It was mortifying. Over 300 lbs. ME. How the hell did that happen?

But it did. I promised myself when I started this I would never hit 300lbs again. EVER. I’m close, but I’m not letting it happen. I have a new resolve and a new viewpoint. It’s not just about looking good for my wedding day anymore- it’s about my health.

I want to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want to get diabetes or any of those things, and quite frankly I’m lucky that at my weight I haven’t developed more problems. I also realized this morning how much pure weight is sitting on my chest. I have asthma (I have since before kindergarten, I didn’t develop it as a result of my weight) but I realized how all that weight was just sitting on my chest, and how that cannot possibly be helping my asthma. I may have sleep apnea,I’ve never kept the appointment to start the process to find out. Why? Because I don’t WANT a C-Pap machine. I don’t WANT that problem. So I’m just trying to ignore it and hope it goes away….

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I want to LIVE life. To the fullest! Which isn’t cliche at all, it’s truly what we should all want!

I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines or not doing things because of my weight. Because I can’t fit, or I can’t walk that far, or whatever the excuse may be. I want to have fun again.

I want to go on roller coasters again, I want to get my fiance annual passes to Islands of Adventure and go up there on weekends when he isn’t working. I want to go on more cruises, but I want to be able to do the excursions! I don’t want to have to check the “activity level” and only do “easy” excursions. I want to zipline! I’ve been wanting to for YEARS but I’ve always been too heavy, or too close to the max weight, where I was too afraid to weight in front of everyone or chance it.

I want to live. I’m tired of being confined and held back by my big fat body. It’s not about a stupid wedding dress anymore (not that I don’t still want to look beautiful on my special day) but this has become about reclaiming my LIFE.

THAT’S what I’m all about right now. Reclaiming my life.

The scale said what?!?!

Week 5 Weigh Day went worse than anticipated. I knew I was off track ALL week (since Saturday) but I was not prepared for what I read this morning.

I did weigh in clothes, but that only accounts for 1-2lbs. The scale said- brace yourself- that I was UP 7 lbs. SEVEN. In ONE week. 😳😫

*deep breath* I am trying very hard not to freak out and try anything extreme again. I was too restrictive a couple weeks ago and that didn’t work well for me. What works is eating 1400-1500 calories a day every day and walking. How hard is that?

*more deep breaths*

My plan of attack for next week:
-Eat 3 meals/day Every day
-Eat between 1400-1500 calories
-Walk at least 1 mile at least 3 days
-Eat veg 2/day and fruit 1/day

I’m very carb conscious because of past diets and Dr’s so eating fruits and veg may seem easy to you, but it’s not for me. Not that I don’t like them, because I definitely do, it just stressed me out and I’ve been fully avoiding fruit and minimizing vegetables.

I had a phone consultation with a dietician through my insurance lifestyle coaching program yesterday. She explained how these sugars and carbs actually react differently in our body, and my trainer said as much this morning as well. So I’m going to work really hard to let go of thinking I need to eat super low cals (800-1000) or eliminate all carbs. Contrary to my belief, apparently all carbs are not the devil. I’m still working to buy into that.

So I have a plan and I’m officially waging war on my fat cells.

I am still determined to lose the weight by my wedding. I still have time. I *cannot* afford another week like this past week, but at least I still have plenty of time to get back on track.

Today means I’m officially off schedule for the first time in 5 weeks. I am determined to get the numbers back on track to meet my goal. It’s totally doable I just have to be strong and work hard.

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Struggling

I have really been struggling since Saturday night with my eating. I ordered pizza after battling crazy cravings all day long, and of course that provided me leftovers the next day. Then Sunday I succumbed to my McDonald’s craving, due in part to poor planning.

Today I started off right by going to the gym and seeing my trainer, but then lunch happened. I even brought my lunch today and was completely prepared, so as to avoid exactly what still happened. I got ticked off at the Post Office and so I decided in the spur of the moment that I deserved a Starbucks. I was also extremely exhausted ALL day.

It seemed like such a good idea, until I got the triple Venti mocha cookie crumble (I know- I didn’t even get anything with halfway reasonable calories) AND then I ordered a cheese danish. They are the best cheese danishes I’ve ever had in my life, and I had no reason to get one whatsoever, except that it was there, and I wanted it.

Then I went back to work, with my giant, highly caloric drink and danish and I quickly consumed them, which was immediately followed by waves of guilt. I started texting a million people, but I kept erasing it. I wanted to purge hardcore. I haven’t done that in awhile, since last year (and not frequently for many years) but I wanted to SOOO bad.

I fought it, and didn’t, but these compulsions have been really hitting me hard lately. I’m not sure why.

Two people have followed up and called me from OA. I don’t know if they text, though. Actually, 3 people, but one said it was her house phone and she’s also new.

But I almost tried texting one, completely freaking out, but I stopped. And it’s just too uncomfortable for me to actually call one of them. I know you’re supposed to get a sponsor, if you decide to do this, but I hate talking on the phone. I detest it. Except with my mother, fiance, and father. Otherwise, don’t call me.

I’m very disappointed in myself and I know I’m totally screwing up all the progress that I’ve made, and I don’t think I’m going to completely spiral out of control, but I’ve got to get a handle on this nonetheless.

I hate when I screw up, and I hate the way I’ve been thinking and feeling lately.

I was going strong 5 weeks, and then, BLAH. I knew and planned for there to be bumps along the way, but knowing that is realistically going to happen doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when it happens.

Also, in OA they talk about only eating 3 meals a day, no snacks, and abstinence from your “trigger” foods. I think I would die if I didn’t allow myself to snack in between meals. I’m so not ready to do only 3 meals a day. And all these nutritionists and trainers tell you to eat like 6 small meals a day, anyway. Which I was eating maybe 4-5 times a day when I was doing well.

I just am feeling a little overwhelmed and I suppose unhappy.

OH- I sold my big fat wedding dress over the weekend, so I officially have nothing to fall back on. I have absolutely GOT to lose this weight. I am so tired of how I look and feel and I was never happy with myself, but looking back, I feel like I could be happy now at a better weight.

I try to make myself understand that I’ll never be the weight I want to be, but I can focus on being healthier. It’s just so hard to let go of your ideals. Something you’ve wanted so bad for so long. I gave up for awhile, and that’s how I ended up being as fat as I am, but deep down I still kept the dream alive, I guess.

I just want to be considered “normal”. And not a size 12-normal, because that’s realistically what size the average woman is in the US. I want to not be able to be considered fat or overweight. I want to be a single-digit size. Not a size 0, although secretly I’ve wished for 0-4, but a size 6-8 would make me happy. Meanwhile, even at my thinnest in high school, I was only a size 10. My waist is super wide, and even though I was thin and “average” sized, according to BMI, I was still a big fat pig.

I want to not be embarrassed about how I look, and I want to not have to worry if I can fit in an airplane seat, or if a chair can support me, I want to just live my life and be free, I suppose. I don’t know that I’m capable of ever getting to that point, and I’m not sure even how to work towards it, at this point.

But that’s what I want. I’m willing to work for it, and I’m not giving up, but I am definitely battling old demons and really struggling right now.

What happens post-revelation?

For those of you who read my blog earlier today, you know I had a little revelation. I realized that just like when I was 21 and dealing with an eating issue, that 10 years later, my life still revolves around food. That makes 20 years now I’ve dealt with food issues.

That was huge, and rather hard for me to swallow. I was pretty depressed this afternoon, and text several people basically freaking out. Two of them, at almost the same time, suggested I try over-eaters anonymous (OA).

This wouldn’t be my first experience with OA, actually. I tried attending a “meeting” online maybe 3-4 years ago. I totally didn’t get the format or feel like it did anything for me, and I didn’t even stay on the whole meeting.

But, I’ve never tried attending in person. I was too embarrassed to dream of going in person. It was mortifying to me. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it outright, but I have a lot of anxiety I deal with as well. Much of it probably from being uncomfortable in my own skin… perhaps?

Anyway…. I looked up meetings and found one on Saturday mornings and it’s not even that far from my house. I was surprisingly open to the idea this afternoon, which is indicative of my determination and attempts to use every possible resource available to me this time around. This time I’m being successful, and I’m not trying the same old thing for the millionth time. I do actually want to get to the root cause of my issues and resolve them, so maybe it won’t be such a constant struggle every single day for the rest of my life.

After I looked up the meeting, I went to their website to find out some more information. Well, holy shit. I could be the poster-child for OA! I could strongly relate to just about every single question they listed that you’re to ask yourself. They even straight up listed using vomiting and laxatives as a means to control your weight. Also, the guilt, eating in secret, and I could go on and on and on.

Reading their website was practically a whole new revelation for me, in and of itself. I felt like I finally found a place that would understand me, and could actually help me. So here’s my hang-up: It focuses on the 12-step Recovery model. I’ve never actually read the 12 Steps, until today, and I know it works for tons of people, but I’m not totally in love with the religious aspect.

Yes, I also know you only must believe in a “higher power”, whatever that means to you. Not the point. Some of the steps were about giving over to God and stuff like that. I don’t know why, but that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because I’m a control freak.

I completely believe in God, for me personally, that is my belief. But I’m not an overly religious person. I was raised in the Church and attended Christian and Catholic schools Pre-k-12th Grade. So, I’m quite familiar with religion, I just have issues there I suppose I need to address at some point as well, but now isn’t really the time. So, this whole thing makes me a little nervous and uncomfortable. I don’t want to feel like I’m being lectured or preached to.

I called the contact for the meetings and left a voice mail, but she hasn’t called me back yet. I sort of wanted to get a little more information, but I’m still planning on going Saturday morning.

Some people may read this and think I’m totally pathetic or a loser, or whatever you want to call me. It’s embarrassing for me to admit I have a problem with eating (STILL!) and need help. I thought I put all that behind me 10 years ago. But I didn’t.

I do need help to get through some of my issues, and I can’t afford to go to private therapy right now. But maybe this will help? Maybe this will be the thing to get me through all of these issues, and isn’t that at least worth trying?

Unhealthy habits

We all have them… Some unhealthy habits are worse than others, especially when you’re talking about food and nutrition.

I was just texting and admitted how even though I know skipping breakfast is bad, and I know I need to eat enough to fuel my body, I’m totally excited today to see low numbers for my calories. I’m under 400 for the day so far. It makes me feel happy and proud.

But I shouldn’t be. I should be upset with myself for skipping breakfast not to mention my usual mid-morning snack and I should not be happy that my calories are so low because my body needs an appropriate amount of fuel to facilitate weight loss.

It’s so hard to let go of old bad habits. I used to restrict my calories excessively, and while I don’t do that anymore, that mindset is still there. I know intellectually what I need to do, yet I still take pleasure in unhealthy “victories”.

How do we get over the voices that are so ingrained in our head and who we are? Everything my friend had told me to do had worked and I’m yielding the results. Yet I still have inclinations to revert back to old behaviors. Unhealthy behaviors, which didn’t even ever work well for me.

I did used to maintain my weight. Throughout high school I was heavy- definitely high school fat- but I weighed between 130-150. I maintained that weight in unhealthy ways, so I don’t really count that as a true success. Since I was 11 or so I’ve had unhealthy habits. Using and even abusing diet pills, binging and purging, diuretics, etc. I know I’ve mentioned some of this in prior posts, so I apologize for any repetitiveness.

But I’m sitting here wondering what is wrong with me. When I know these things are wrong, and I know the right and healthy choices, why do I go down this road? Then it becomes almost a challenge in itself- how low can I go today? Instead of wanting to eat regularly and be healthy, I start wanting to skip meals and restrict. I know better!

How do we break these unhealthy habits? Have you beaten any of your old bad habits?

I hate trying to do anything in moderation. It’s so difficult for me. I’m more of an all or nothing personality. I also tend to obsess, which isn’t exactly beneficial either to my weight loss. I let things consume me it feels like.

I have to break the cycle once and for all and continue doing what I know is healthy. This is all about a lifestyle change, so it’s going to take time. Slow and steady does it, right? Hard for someone who’s so impatient to deal with that approach. I want to be perfect, and I want to be perfect now. I also want to not have to battle myself internally over food one way or the other, but I’m worried that will never happen.

I’m worried I’ll always have thoughts about eating bad foods or wanting to binge, or going the other way wanting to restrict too much. Both are so tempting at times.

I realized when I was 21 my day revolved around food. My therapist at the time told me my whole life revolved around food. It was an instant “ah-ha” moment and I finally understood or the first time that I had real eating issues. I thought I got over them years ago, but I’m just now realizing that 10 years later, my life still revolves around food.

I feel sad and pathetic right now. I wish I had a brilliant spin on this and a neat little way to wrap up this post, but I’m afraid I don’t. Food has consumed my thoughts and much of my actions for about 20 years now. I don’t know that I’ll ever win the battle.

I’m not doubting that I’ll lose weight. I will continue to do what I’m doing and I will lose this weight. I’m done. But I’m saddened that my life will probably always be ruled by food and the fight not to eat, not to restrict, not to do this or that. I’m afraid of winning the battle and losing the war….

Lifestyle Coaching

In an attempt to give this all I’ve got and take advantage of literally every resource available to me, I have made a “lifestyle coaching” appointment for this afternoon at 3pm.

A work friend told me about the service, which is offered free through our insurance company. It’s a registered nurse who helps with things like weight loss and nutrition, along with a few other categories.

I’m kind of nervous and not sure what this will be like or if just talking to someone over the phone can really make a difference and help me. But, I might as well give it a try, right?

As I mentioned yesterday briefly, I have some old “food issues”. If I’m really going to do this (and I am!) I need to resolve these sooner rather than later. They surely have an effect on my success and I’m not willing to let old poor habits keep me from reaching my goals.

So I’m very nervous. Opening up and talking to a stranger is never easy. Getting into intimate details about my neuroticism is definitely scary. But I know this is something I have to work on.

So I guess I’ll let you know how it goes!

I also called today and made a Doctor’s appointment to try and get more diet pills. I have some I was prescribed awhile ago, but I’m running out. And right now I just don’t think I can consistently control my eating like I need to without some assistance.

I’ve got to gain control not only over my weight but also my eating and thoughts around eating and food. Food has basically ruled my life in some way or another since I was about 11 or 12 years old. It needs to end now. Granted what that control has looked like has varied, but my life has basically revolved around food for years and years. I’m 31 years old now, and there’s no reason to let this continue.

Wish me luck!

Pushing myself

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My daily step goal has been 5000 steps, since I’m just starting back. But, I didn’t average that last week. So this week I’m pushing myself to beat my fitbit stats from last week.

My goal will be to hit 5000 steps per day. Every day. To do so, I’ll need to walk about a mile each day in addition to my regular daily activities.

I was obsessed with fitbit when I first got it, and then my original one died after taking an accidental swim. For awhile I didn’t use anything but I’m glad I bought the flex and am using fitbit again. I think it can really help me stay on track and where I need to be.

I also love that it syncs to mfp. Makes life so easy. I try to never eat my exercise cals, but I love seeing the “net cals” figure. Makes me feel like I’ve really done something.

I had a deficit last week, but this week I’m pushing for a bigger deficit. I want to work towards lowering my cals by 50-100. Don’t think I’m quite ready yet. Some days I do ok, but like today I had a little bingethon early this morning.

I totally overrate and did I mention that carbs were involved? It was bad. Luckily I worked out the rest of my day to still meet my calorie goal for the day (barely!).

So I don’t want to drop my cals too soon, but I really need to work on this. I’ve got to consistently eat less and make every day a “good day”.

Eating appropriately is such a struggle for me. I hate it. And I know it’s never going away. No matter what I weigh, I’m going to have this internal battle.

I was never really taught how to eat “normally”. For years I binged and purged and restricted food. I have had such unhealthy habits. That was the only way I knew how to control my weight. When I finally stopped that behavior, I started gaining weight. I learned to stop doing something harmful, but I never learned coping skills to use in its place. And I still binge. I just don’t purge, hence the waist- and everything else- keeps expanding.

I love food and I hate it at the same time. I know I have to change my thinking, but that doesn’t happen overnight. So much farther yet to go on this lifelong journey…

Weekend weakness

Yet another weekend without adequate willpower. Technically I’m ok on calories for the day so far, but I’ve eaten crap. How do you get through the weekends?

For me, weekends are the hardest. More time on my hands, generally more opportunities to eat- including more temptations that aren’t there during the work week.

So how do you get through it?

I was 200 calories over yesterday for no good reason, other than my lack of willpower. I’m probably going to be over tomorrow because family dinner (and dessert) are not my normal sensible meals: lasagna, salad, 3 types of bread- garlic bread, garlic knots, and garlic cheese bread. Oh, and don’t forget the cheesecake for dessert. What was I thinking?!

Do you use diet pills, and do they help you? Sometimes I take them, but not regularly like I probably should. I don’t want to get too in the habit of taking them, but I also want to get through this transition period when it’s not habit yet to eat smaller portions and make smart decisions. I’m still struggling with that.

I just took a diet pill, which I never remember to do on weekends, and I’m hoping it helps. I’m also going to try and pre-log dinner tomorrow, both so I know how many cals I have to use the rest of the day (thinking protein shakes for bfast and lunch) and also so I know how much I can eat and maintain control over what I put in my mouth.

I hate the weekends and I wish I knew better strategies to deal with my wavering willpower. Weekends are the worst!!!!! Love to hear how you cope!