Making the most of Monday!

Each day is a new opportunity and I’ve decided to make the most of my Monday.

I started off at the gym this am with a little cardio and then my trainer. I’ve made wise food choices all day and have dinner planned out already. Even though I could hit my step goal without walking at home, I’m also still planning to at least do a mile tonight.

Feeling pretty good about my progress, despite my hiccup over the weekend. I’m in this for the long haul and I’m making lasting positive changes. I may fall down again, but you can be sure I’ll always get back up!

Excited and nervous for week 4 weigh in on Friday. I definitely hurt myself on the scale over the weekend. I am trying to still manage a loss for the week. We shall see how that goes. Progress pics are on the agenda too. First month is always hard, because you really can’t see a difference yet. But that’s why you just have to keep going!

This blog, weekly weigh-ins, and monthly progress pics are some of the things I do to keep myself accountable. What is working for you?

So… It wasn’t awful…

First personal training session this am- and not only was it not awful, I think it might actually have been awesome!

I was beyond terrified driving to the gym. So uncomfortable going back there. But, I hopped on the treadmill and warmed up for about 10-15 min before my session and met my new trainer, Jill.

I’ve seen Jill before and was actually always worried about ever having her as a trainer. All trainers are of course in shape and usually little, but she is beyond teeny tiny! Somehow to me that meant she must hate fat people or something. Such an unfair assumption!

She is actually sweet as could be! She was super supportive of where I am now and finding what works for me and can be a permanent lifestyle change. She’s like the perfect trainer for me! Nothing drastic, no lecturing, just encouragement and support! I loved it!

Plus, the usual morning ladies were in the locker room when I was done and they actually remembered me and even said hello! These ladies used to terrify me, and today we ha a nice little conversation. We had started talking finally when I was going before, but one especially was such a “mean girl”… She didn’t really speak to me this morning, but I don’t even care!

If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m also all hyped up on endorphins, instead of my normal over-consumption of caffeine. Granted, I still took a caffeine pill, but more to be safe than it really being needed. Hopefully soon I’ll slowly be weening off all of the caffeine I take every day.

So I’m super pumped up for my day! I forgot how awesome it was to start out your day on the right foot. For me, exercising first thing in the am is so the way to go! My next session is Friday and next Monday is already scheduled as well! And guess what- I cannot wait!!!!

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Excited for Monday?!

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I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but I’m actually kinda excited for Monday… First day of personal training again!

I love this picture. It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.

I love that I’m doing this the “right” way- and I don’t claim it to be the right way for everyone, but it is the right way for me. No more starving and binging, no more super restrictive diets, no more hating myself, and no more excuses!

Despite my munchiness today, I’m still going to meet my calorie goal for the day. Which I’m super proud of. I thought I blew the day, and again, a lot of times I would use that as an excuse to binge. I did think about it, but I will not do it.

This won’t happen overnight. 100 lbs in a year is totally doable, but it’s going to be small steps for slow progress. At my size, losing 10 or even 20 lbs and no one can tell. But I’m not giving up. 20140628-190848-68928925.jpg

So here’s to being patient- my favorite thing! But it will be well worth it in the end. I’m going to get there one good decision at a time. And I’m going to mess up at times. I’m not perfect. But I’m also not giving up. I’m determined to do this and do it right.

Week-2 weigh-day : maintain

Not much to post, but doing it our of accountability. No loss and no gain. Since I did lose a whopping 9lbs last week, trying to see the fact that I maintained that large of a loss in one week as a positive.

Other than that I’m just cleaning, which I mind less than usual because I’m thinking of the calories I’m burning.

I’ve been hitting my step goal each day, which is good. I know I should be getting 10k steps in/day, but just starting back out I’ve set my goal at 5000. Within the next couple weeks I want to increase that to 7500.

I did call the gym, and re-activate my membership. And my personal training sessions (the approximately 36 I have left!) start on Monday at 7am.

So all in all things are going well. I know the mistakes I made last week: I overrate 2-3 days, I wasn’t getting my walks in, and that hurt me a bit.

I’m watching my clarifies like a hawk right now and I’m determined to keep seeing lower numbers on the scale! Now I just have to try and resist the urge to weigh again for a whole week!

What I want: You got hot

 

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Is it wrong to consider your potential hotness as part of your motivation? I have been looking up motivational fitness quotes since last night. I saved a bunch to my phone for later use. One I ignored more than once was the “Do it for the ‘Holy Shit, You Got Hot'”. 

But I finally had to go and snag it. What’s so wrong about wanting to be hot? I know it’s allegedly superficial, but who doesn’t honestly want to be hot? It’s not even for everyone else, it’s for me. 

I want to feel sexy in my body, which is something I’ve never experienced. When I was half the size I am now, I thought I was huge. I never enjoyed what I had, albeit briefly. But, I’ve never felt “good” about myself. I’ve always hated my body. 

A few years ago was the first time I went to see a bariatric surgeon about weight-loss surgery. I’ve mentioned I’m doing this the old-fashioned way, through diet and exercise alone, but I did actually not only consider surgery, I had LapBand Surgery a few years ago. I had tons of issues, and while I did lose some weight, not what I should have. I had it removed this January. I was then considering the sleeve, but I’ve decided I don’t need that. I am capable of doing this on my own. Not to say anything bad about someone who chooses surgery, but it’s not the right path for me personally. 

Anyway, at the surgeon’s they had a scale that measured water, fat, lean muscle, etc. I found out my core body weight is around 130 lbs. So, a realistic weight goal for me was 150 lbs. Since then, I’ve tried keeping this in mind. I’ve basically accepted I’ll never be 103lbs (my ideal weight) or even the more practical 130 lbs (my high-school weight). I accepted I would always be fat, and therefore- in my opinion only of myself- ugly. I could never dare wear a bikini, for instance. I could never be anything other than the “fat friend”. 

But SCREW THAT. I do want to be fit, and I want to be healthy. And I really want to be, and more importantly FEEL like a beautiful bride. BUT, I also want to be HOT. There. I said it. 

I want to wear cute little clothes again and show off my body. Not because I’m looking for anything, but because it makes me feel good. I want to wear fun, sexy clothes- nothing vulgar, just cute and flirty. Most of all, I want to, for the first time in my life, wear a freaking bikini. I want to the “that” girl. 

I’ve not even allowed myself to dream about having such a body, but I think it’s time I start. My body will never be perfect, and I’m not striving for perfection. But I am striving to be the best me I can be. Why can’t that be someone who happens to be hot? 

So- while I’m sticking to my original plan, losing 100lbs by my wedding day next June, that will definitely not be the end of my journey. 

I’m going to keep going- not just to lose weight, but to become fit and toned and to create a body I never thought possible. I did start my membership back up at the gym, and they’re letting me use the approximately 36 personal training sessions I had leftover. Going twice/wk for PT, that equals about 4.5 months of training! Which is just about the time I have until trying on wedding gowns in November. Coincidence? I think not… 

So this journey will take some time, but in 2 yrs, I’ll only be 33. There are women in their 40s and yes, even 50s who wear bikinis and cute little clothes. So, at 33, I’ll just be entering the beginning of my prime I think. I’m much smarter than I was in my 20’s, and I don’t loathe myself nearly as much as I used to. My 20’s were really hard for me. So many things went on and I struggled with so much, hence the rapid and excessive weight gain. But now I’m over that. This is a new decade, and I intend on making it the best one yet! 

Do I dare go back to the gym?

So I haven’t been to the gym in MONTHS and MONTHS. And I keep intending to stop by and cancel my membership. Then I read a bunch of fitness motivational quotes on Pinterest. Damn Pinterest. Now I’m all pumped up and wanting to go back and work my ass off.

Technically I still have a bunch of personal training sessions left. I lost 40-60 lbs last year while going to the gym. Then I regained the weight, felt wholly uncomfortable and too fat to live, let alone go to a gym, and I haven’t been back since.

I even bought a treadmill so I could walk at home, in private, without stares and glares. I literally haven’t been able to work up the nerve to go back there for multiple months now.

Awhile back they called me bc I still have PT sessions left. I told them I was planning to cancel my membership. In the midst of writing this I ran downstairs (fiancé is sleeping in bed next to me) and summoned all my courage and called the gym. I asked if I could still use my training session sans he said he didn’t see why not. He wasn’t totally convincing and didn’t offer to schedule an appt for me, so I’m calling back tomorrow.

BUT just the idea that I am thinking of going back there- it’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.

People are so judgmental when you’re fat. Just in general, but then at the gym? I feel like I get stared at and scrutinized even more than usual. Like, wth am I doing there? I’m disgusting I don’t belong with these fit people (even though yes, I realize that’s exactly where I should be and need to be). But did I mention it’s terrifying?!?!

Soooo….. Hopefully tomorrow I can still work up my nerve again and call back to see about scheduling some training sessions.

I’m dedicated to doing this and getting fit and making lasting lifestyle changes. I think this is a step in the right direction, but again, I’m utterly terrified. I’m beyond self-conscious, I can’t even express how mortifying the gym became to me. And right now I’m so much fatter, I don’t even fit in my “fat” exercise clothes! What am I thinking? Am I really considering this? Am I doing this?!